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Authors: Deirdre Madden
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to be happy. I hope that you can see me for every second of every day .
When she edged her way back up to the top of the cliff she could see at once that James was afraid and angry, but before he had time to speak she put her arms around him.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, ‘I promise that I’ll never do anything like that again.’
They walked back holding hands, and when they reached the hotel she stopped him on the step, kissed him very tenderly and then they pushed open the glass door. They walked through the shabby hallway to the stairs, past the desk where the woman in charge of the hotel pretended not to notice them.
But that night when James told her that he loved her, and when Jane opened her mouth to reply in kind she could not say the words. No matter how much she willed herself to say it she could not; but other words came out instead.
‘You’re never to think that you can hide anything from me because you can’t. Perhaps I don’t know everything about you now, James, but I will know, I’ll know everything. Soon there’ll be nothing about you that I don’t know, and don’t think that you’ll ever be able to hide anything from me, because you won’t be able to. You’ll never be able to deceive me. Never.’
When her voice ceased, they looked at each other in amazement, then Jane said quietly, ‘I don’t know why I said that I don’t know where it came from.’ She began to cry. James brought her a glass of water and as she drank he stroked her head.
‘Are you angry?’
‘No.’
‘I’m really sorry.’
‘That’s all right.’
But when she looked up she saw that he was disturbed and frightened by what had happened. In silence they finished preparing for bed.
The following morning the woman who served them breakfast was as quiet as she could be, and the few remarks which she made were constructed so that no secondary meaning might be construed. It was of little consequence: Jane and James paid herno heed at all. They gazed at each other across the table with the apparent self-absorption of lovers. What they really felt was fear. They saw the gap that lay between them and were wondering already if it could ever be breached. When they looked at each other it was in blind terror, not blind love.
As they left the dining-room Jane said, ‘It was a mistake ever to come here. Let’s leave now. Let’s go to the farm and start again: start properly.’
James agreed. They left the village later that day and drove to their home. And when James’s father opened the door of the farm to them, Jane felt that she was looking into the future and seeing James as he would be in old age: seeing him as she would never see him in reality.
*
The shock of marriage did not diminish, but increased as Jane tried to settle into her new life and home. Like a Hindu woman she found herself in an arranged marriage, bound by passive acquiescence to a stranger: but it was she who had done the arranging. She had not, for example, given any significant thought to the fact that she and James would be sharing the farmhouse not only with her father-in-law, but also with the farm hand, Gerald. His presence rankled greatly with Jane, but James was quite implacable in the matter. It would have been foolish to have him lodge in some other farmhouse, he said, and it was also a more economical idea. They were able to give him a smaller wage because he had the spare room, and also was given his meals in the house. It meant, too, that if there was an emergency on the farm, he was on hand. If a cow got sick at night, or if a dog made its way in amongst the sheep, Gerald could deal with it. Jane did not see the logic of this, for when there was a crisis James invariably went to help Gerald, although it was rarely anything which one man could not have managed alone.
Jane felt ill at ease in the big house, which was draughty and uncomfortable. Mainly because of her father-in-law she could not put in motion the domestic changes
When she edged her way back up to the top of the cliff she could see at once that James was afraid and angry, but before he had time to speak she put her arms around him.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, ‘I promise that I’ll never do anything like that again.’
They walked back holding hands, and when they reached the hotel she stopped him on the step, kissed him very tenderly and then they pushed open the glass door. They walked through the shabby hallway to the stairs, past the desk where the woman in charge of the hotel pretended not to notice them.
But that night when James told her that he loved her, and when Jane opened her mouth to reply in kind she could not say the words. No matter how much she willed herself to say it she could not; but other words came out instead.
‘You’re never to think that you can hide anything from me because you can’t. Perhaps I don’t know everything about you now, James, but I will know, I’ll know everything. Soon there’ll be nothing about you that I don’t know, and don’t think that you’ll ever be able to hide anything from me, because you won’t be able to. You’ll never be able to deceive me. Never.’
When her voice ceased, they looked at each other in amazement, then Jane said quietly, ‘I don’t know why I said that I don’t know where it came from.’ She began to cry. James brought her a glass of water and as she drank he stroked her head.
‘Are you angry?’
‘No.’
‘I’m really sorry.’
‘That’s all right.’
But when she looked up she saw that he was disturbed and frightened by what had happened. In silence they finished preparing for bed.
The following morning the woman who served them breakfast was as quiet as she could be, and the few remarks which she made were constructed so that no secondary meaning might be construed. It was of little consequence: Jane and James paid herno heed at all. They gazed at each other across the table with the apparent self-absorption of lovers. What they really felt was fear. They saw the gap that lay between them and were wondering already if it could ever be breached. When they looked at each other it was in blind terror, not blind love.
As they left the dining-room Jane said, ‘It was a mistake ever to come here. Let’s leave now. Let’s go to the farm and start again: start properly.’
James agreed. They left the village later that day and drove to their home. And when James’s father opened the door of the farm to them, Jane felt that she was looking into the future and seeing James as he would be in old age: seeing him as she would never see him in reality.
*
The shock of marriage did not diminish, but increased as Jane tried to settle into her new life and home. Like a Hindu woman she found herself in an arranged marriage, bound by passive acquiescence to a stranger: but it was she who had done the arranging. She had not, for example, given any significant thought to the fact that she and James would be sharing the farmhouse not only with her father-in-law, but also with the farm hand, Gerald. His presence rankled greatly with Jane, but James was quite implacable in the matter. It would have been foolish to have him lodge in some other farmhouse, he said, and it was also a more economical idea. They were able to give him a smaller wage because he had the spare room, and also was given his meals in the house. It meant, too, that if there was an emergency on the farm, he was on hand. If a cow got sick at night, or if a dog made its way in amongst the sheep, Gerald could deal with it. Jane did not see the logic of this, for when there was a crisis James invariably went to help Gerald, although it was rarely anything which one man could not have managed alone.
Jane felt ill at ease in the big house, which was draughty and uncomfortable. Mainly because of her father-in-law she could not put in motion the domestic changes
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