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game, one lucky fan gets to carjack the Zamboni and back over the driver.
To make online gamers feel at home, replace traditional play-by-play announcers with racist and homophobic twelve-year-olds who apparently have no parents.
Four words: Rock Band Brass Bonanza.
Replace the shoot-out with an actual shoot-out.
Stop referring to Maple Leafs penalty killers as “hesitant,” “slow,” or “lethargic.” Begin referring to them as “laggy.”
During post-game interviews, encourage players to whine dramatically about the burden of avenging their dead fathers.
All fights will now be preceded by a glass-breaking effect, for some reason.
Players will no longer be suspended for touching off full-scale brawls by leaping off of the bench and charging wildly into a melee—as long as they remember to yell “Leeroy Jenkins” first.
All games will now feature background music. Seven seconds of background music. Repeated over, and over, and over.
At the end of every season, the Art Ross winner has thirty seconds to sign his initials on the high-score board.
To make the television broadcasts look more like a sports video game, all fans will be encouraged to dress alike, be heavily pixelated, and constantly stand up and awkwardly wave their arms around for no reason.
Bettman: Arkham City.
Instead of a final buzzer, every game will now end with a brief cut-scene, classical music, and seventeen minutes of scrolling Japanese names.
Hit the reset button on the entire league and reload the saved game from 1994.

Chapter 20
A Period-by-Period Recap of The 2011 Stanley Cup Final
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    The 2011 NHL season featured one of the best Stanley Cup finals in a generation. The matchup between the Boston Bruins and Vancouver Canucks featured everything a fan could want: heroes, villains, controversy, close games, blowouts, and of course, the stomach-churning drama of a deciding seventh game.
    A series that memorable deserves more than just a game-by-game breakdown. So let's go one further, with a period-by-period review of the 2011 Stanley Cup final.
Game one: Canucks 1, Bruins 0
    First period: In an effort to appeal to a younger demographic, the NHL announces that the role of the brooding but misunderstood vampire will be played by Alex Burrows.
    Second period: As a neutral fan, you feel vaguely comfortable with the idea of one of these teams winning the Stanley Cup for the last time in the series.
    Third period: Raffi Torres fools the Bruins' defense to score the game-winning goal by using a trick play he calls “Shoot the puck like a normal player instead of launching your elbow into somebody's temple.”
Game two: Canucks 3, Bruins 2 (OT)
    First period: Manny Malhotra makes an emotional return to the lineup wearing a full-face shield, which he will later admit is just an attempt to keep Brad Marchand from yapping in his ear all game.
    Second period: In an embarrassing coincidence, the entire twenty-minute period is played without a whistle after all forty players simultaneously drop to the ice and roll around to draw a penalty.
    Third period: The Canucks tie the game by scoring their third goal of the series, then quickly remind themselves to slow down and not use up the remaining five too quickly.
    Overtime: Somewhere in the building, a Canuck fan who spent $2,000 on tickets returns to his seat eleven seconds late and asks, “So, did I miss anything?”
Game three: Bruins 8, Canucks 1
    First period: Aaron Rome catches Nathan Horton admiring his pass and delivers a textbook open-ice check, but the anti-Canucks media go and make a big deal out of it being a “late hit” just because the pass was from the opening shift of game two.
    Second period: The Bruins realize that since the Canucks are apparently planning to hit them late whenever they pass, it would be safer to just shoot the puck into the net every time they touch it.
    Third period : In hindsight, Bruins coach Claude Julien admits he