Read Online The Best Australian Humorous Writing by Andrew O'Keefe - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Andrew O'Keefe
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Coldplay seems a nice enough chap but should almost certainly stop writing about coffee beans all over his hands and just play the piano.
Michael Frantiâs another sanctimonious prig the left may be relatively pleased to get rid of. If I see one more interview where he pads around barefoot proclaiming to be a âcitizen of the Earthâ Iâm going to stab someone. Why canât he be a spokesman for baby-kicking and identity theft? At the very least Iâd feel less guilty about throwing things at him every time he busts out that tepidbumper sticker rhyme, âWe can bomb the world to pieces, but we canât bomb it to peace.â Right-wing redneck homophobic logging whale-killer extremists: take our Franti. Please.
In terms of conservative comedians youâve got the inherently amusing Ann Coulter, creator of such outstanding zingers as âMy only regret with (Oklahoma bomber) Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to
The New York Times
buildingâ and, âIt would be a much better country if women did not vote.â Last I heard she had a sold-out run at the Hammersmith Apollo with her one-woman stand-up show
AmeriKKKaâs Most Wanted
. Or wait, maybe that was Ice Cube. Anyway, sheâs no doubt doing wonders for the cause.
The same canât be said of the vast majority of Stormfront members who appear to have trouble with spelling, no doubt sadly setting the cause of white supremacists back a couple of decades or so, and I donât know whose side serial pest Peter Hore is on, but if he ever professes a love for literature and the Tote Hotel in Collingwood, Iâm switching teams.
Musician Alice Cooperâs a rabid conservative, a fact that no doubt thrills Mr and Mrs Middle America, particularly when the one-time Vincent Furnier wraps himself festively in long-suffering boa constrictors or pretends to hang himself on stage while wearing make-up.
Who in their right mind would want their personal politics represented by a man who once sang the words, âThrill my gorilla/ Where were you when the monkey hit the fan?â
At least Johnny Ramone made decent music and had a nice haircut. And in the end, isnât that all you want from the spokesperson of your cause? Someone offer Mrs McCulloch a cup of tea and a sit-downâsheâs inflicting some major damage.
GUY RUNDLE
Donât worry, just testing
1. Ban Ki-Moon is:
a) New secretary-general of the United Nations.
b) A character in the
My Little Pony
series.
c) Both of the above, following a widening of the search for candidates.
2. Australian of the Year was:
a) Tim Flannery, for tireless campaigning on global warming.
b) Ben Cousins, for going for rehab to LA.
b) Lisa Robertson, who did Ralph Fiennes for nothing on a Qantas flight, the only time a passenger gave complimentary nuts to a hostie.
3. Princess Mary of Denmark gave birth to a daughter whose half-Australian ancestry was recorded in her name:
a) Christiana Frederika Beatrix.
b) Astrid Katarina Gertrud Ophelia Elke Katarina Hentzau von Schlewsig-Holsteinette.
c) Jaidyn.
d) Astrid Katarina Jaidyn Katarina.
4. Widespread drug use in the Tour de France was established among:
a) The Kazakh team, after they failed random testing.
b) French competitors, after confessions.
c) The audience, who couldnât possibly be watching a month of cycling at 3am, straight.
5. The Federal Government sent the army into the Northern Territory because:
a) It wanted to address social dysfunction in Aboriginal communities.
b) It wanted to experiment with retaking state governments by armed force.
c) It had run out of foreign desert nations to screw up.
6. Tony Blair resigned as British Prime Minister in order to maximise the chances of his preferred successor:
a) Gordon Brown.
b) David Cameron.
c) St Paul.
7. Kevin Rudd published an essay on the German theologian and martyr Dietrich Bonhoeffer written in difficult and uncompromising English because:
a) Confusion about ALP
Michael Frantiâs another sanctimonious prig the left may be relatively pleased to get rid of. If I see one more interview where he pads around barefoot proclaiming to be a âcitizen of the Earthâ Iâm going to stab someone. Why canât he be a spokesman for baby-kicking and identity theft? At the very least Iâd feel less guilty about throwing things at him every time he busts out that tepidbumper sticker rhyme, âWe can bomb the world to pieces, but we canât bomb it to peace.â Right-wing redneck homophobic logging whale-killer extremists: take our Franti. Please.
In terms of conservative comedians youâve got the inherently amusing Ann Coulter, creator of such outstanding zingers as âMy only regret with (Oklahoma bomber) Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to
The New York Times
buildingâ and, âIt would be a much better country if women did not vote.â Last I heard she had a sold-out run at the Hammersmith Apollo with her one-woman stand-up show
AmeriKKKaâs Most Wanted
. Or wait, maybe that was Ice Cube. Anyway, sheâs no doubt doing wonders for the cause.
The same canât be said of the vast majority of Stormfront members who appear to have trouble with spelling, no doubt sadly setting the cause of white supremacists back a couple of decades or so, and I donât know whose side serial pest Peter Hore is on, but if he ever professes a love for literature and the Tote Hotel in Collingwood, Iâm switching teams.
Musician Alice Cooperâs a rabid conservative, a fact that no doubt thrills Mr and Mrs Middle America, particularly when the one-time Vincent Furnier wraps himself festively in long-suffering boa constrictors or pretends to hang himself on stage while wearing make-up.
Who in their right mind would want their personal politics represented by a man who once sang the words, âThrill my gorilla/ Where were you when the monkey hit the fan?â
At least Johnny Ramone made decent music and had a nice haircut. And in the end, isnât that all you want from the spokesperson of your cause? Someone offer Mrs McCulloch a cup of tea and a sit-downâsheâs inflicting some major damage.
GUY RUNDLE
Donât worry, just testing
1. Ban Ki-Moon is:
a) New secretary-general of the United Nations.
b) A character in the
My Little Pony
series.
c) Both of the above, following a widening of the search for candidates.
2. Australian of the Year was:
a) Tim Flannery, for tireless campaigning on global warming.
b) Ben Cousins, for going for rehab to LA.
b) Lisa Robertson, who did Ralph Fiennes for nothing on a Qantas flight, the only time a passenger gave complimentary nuts to a hostie.
3. Princess Mary of Denmark gave birth to a daughter whose half-Australian ancestry was recorded in her name:
a) Christiana Frederika Beatrix.
b) Astrid Katarina Gertrud Ophelia Elke Katarina Hentzau von Schlewsig-Holsteinette.
c) Jaidyn.
d) Astrid Katarina Jaidyn Katarina.
4. Widespread drug use in the Tour de France was established among:
a) The Kazakh team, after they failed random testing.
b) French competitors, after confessions.
c) The audience, who couldnât possibly be watching a month of cycling at 3am, straight.
5. The Federal Government sent the army into the Northern Territory because:
a) It wanted to address social dysfunction in Aboriginal communities.
b) It wanted to experiment with retaking state governments by armed force.
c) It had run out of foreign desert nations to screw up.
6. Tony Blair resigned as British Prime Minister in order to maximise the chances of his preferred successor:
a) Gordon Brown.
b) David Cameron.
c) St Paul.
7. Kevin Rudd published an essay on the German theologian and martyr Dietrich Bonhoeffer written in difficult and uncompromising English because:
a) Confusion about ALP
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