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Authors: Daniel Handler
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since we all sat down. Finally her eyes lit up hopefully and she raised her glass. “Here’s to being pushed to the limit academically, athletically and socially!” The PTA slogan. At one of our dinner parties. The trouble with everyone trying not to laugh at once is that you can’t look anywhere for fear of meeting someone’s eyes. We all stared at different points in space in tableau, like a table full of mannequins.
Jennifer Rose Milton, at the opposite head of the table, tried to save the day. “I make the same toast as Flora, only more general- ized.” Whether she is more kind or more beautiful is completely up for grabs in my book. “May all the clichés people try to sell us about this time in our lives come true. I mean, it would be nice to be pushed to the limit academically, athletically and socially, wouldn’t it? It would be nice to have the greatest time of our lives and to have our eyes shining with promise and all that, wouldn’t it?”
We all nodded dumbly; if we had opened our mouths we still might have laughed at poor Flora.
Natasha was the only one who had the guts to push us to the limit socially by trying to break our pent-up laughter. “In that case,” she said, her voice mock-softening, “I toast to world peace.” “You know,” Flora Habstat said brightly, “I read in The Guinness Book of World Records that world peace is the most frequent toast
at official functions.”
We couldn’t hold it. We all laughed loud and long, and luckily Flora Habstat looked confused rather than hurt so I think she didn’t know what we were laughing at. “If it would be all right with our hostess,” I said while everyone was still laughing, “I vote to dispense with the rest of the toasts. After world peace there’s little else to toast.”
Kate looked a little disappointed but didn’t push it. “I suppose.
Well, let’s eat.”
Gabriel went to get the plates that he had been keeping warm in the oven. V got up to help. Adam, at my left due to Kate’s tactful place cards, turned to me gratefully. I could smell after- shave, just faintly. “How can I ever thank you for bailing me out of thinking of a clever toast?”
Sipping without nibbling made me bold. “Another bottle of wine via your fake ID?” I said. “Wine’s scarce round these under- age parts.”
“Done,” he said. “Though you’ll have to come with me and give out advice. I’ll call you.”
“I’ll call you.” Just like that. One dinner party and I’m already miles ahead of all those soul-searching aerograms.
SUNDAY SEPTEMBER 12TH
Pardon the stains; I forgot to get a spoon so I had to stir the coffee with my finger. I’m on the living room couch, watching a telev- angelist with the sound turned down, one hand on the phone. It’s almost eleven and I’m waiting for the check-in calls to begin. In order to draw up a comprehensive summary of the dinner party I will draw some topic headings and then write down quotes as each member calls.
THE PARTY IN GENERAL
Kate: I think it went very, very well, don’t you, Flan? I suppose we were all a bit rusty, but that’s to be expected after a summer of entertain- ing ourselves .
Jennifer Rose Milton: Lovely . Natasha: It killed me. It really killed me .
Gabriel: It was OK. I don’t think I was in the mood for it .
Douglas: (N.B. All quotes from Douglas are via Lily. Douglas had to leave early the next morning to visit his father and stepmother, who are in themselves the source behind the Grimm Brothers’ step parent angst.) He had a
very nice time, particularly after an apparently horrific lesson at the Conservatory .
Lily: I had a very nice time, too. Why are you asking me these questions like you’re writing down the answers ?
V : I wish I had arrived earlier so everything would have been polished. We could have had it at my house except my parents were entertaining .
Adam:
THE VERDICT ON ADAM
Kate: I’m all for it. I’ll do anything I think of to
Jennifer Rose Milton, at the opposite head of the table, tried to save the day. “I make the same toast as Flora, only more general- ized.” Whether she is more kind or more beautiful is completely up for grabs in my book. “May all the clichés people try to sell us about this time in our lives come true. I mean, it would be nice to be pushed to the limit academically, athletically and socially, wouldn’t it? It would be nice to have the greatest time of our lives and to have our eyes shining with promise and all that, wouldn’t it?”
We all nodded dumbly; if we had opened our mouths we still might have laughed at poor Flora.
Natasha was the only one who had the guts to push us to the limit socially by trying to break our pent-up laughter. “In that case,” she said, her voice mock-softening, “I toast to world peace.” “You know,” Flora Habstat said brightly, “I read in The Guinness Book of World Records that world peace is the most frequent toast
at official functions.”
We couldn’t hold it. We all laughed loud and long, and luckily Flora Habstat looked confused rather than hurt so I think she didn’t know what we were laughing at. “If it would be all right with our hostess,” I said while everyone was still laughing, “I vote to dispense with the rest of the toasts. After world peace there’s little else to toast.”
Kate looked a little disappointed but didn’t push it. “I suppose.
Well, let’s eat.”
Gabriel went to get the plates that he had been keeping warm in the oven. V got up to help. Adam, at my left due to Kate’s tactful place cards, turned to me gratefully. I could smell after- shave, just faintly. “How can I ever thank you for bailing me out of thinking of a clever toast?”
Sipping without nibbling made me bold. “Another bottle of wine via your fake ID?” I said. “Wine’s scarce round these under- age parts.”
“Done,” he said. “Though you’ll have to come with me and give out advice. I’ll call you.”
“I’ll call you.” Just like that. One dinner party and I’m already miles ahead of all those soul-searching aerograms.
SUNDAY SEPTEMBER 12TH
Pardon the stains; I forgot to get a spoon so I had to stir the coffee with my finger. I’m on the living room couch, watching a telev- angelist with the sound turned down, one hand on the phone. It’s almost eleven and I’m waiting for the check-in calls to begin. In order to draw up a comprehensive summary of the dinner party I will draw some topic headings and then write down quotes as each member calls.
THE PARTY IN GENERAL
Kate: I think it went very, very well, don’t you, Flan? I suppose we were all a bit rusty, but that’s to be expected after a summer of entertain- ing ourselves .
Jennifer Rose Milton: Lovely . Natasha: It killed me. It really killed me .
Gabriel: It was OK. I don’t think I was in the mood for it .
Douglas: (N.B. All quotes from Douglas are via Lily. Douglas had to leave early the next morning to visit his father and stepmother, who are in themselves the source behind the Grimm Brothers’ step parent angst.) He had a
very nice time, particularly after an apparently horrific lesson at the Conservatory .
Lily: I had a very nice time, too. Why are you asking me these questions like you’re writing down the answers ?
V : I wish I had arrived earlier so everything would have been polished. We could have had it at my house except my parents were entertaining .
Adam:
THE VERDICT ON ADAM
Kate: I’m all for it. I’ll do anything I think of to
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