seconds, then he rolled over and began adjusting his jeans. He was awkward. So was she. He wouldnât look her in the eye.
She could have done with that.
He straightened himself and glanced at the door. âIâd better â¦â He nodded downstairs, where Olivia was. Olivia had probably not even noticed. Too busy dancing and laughing and chatting with the crowd of people who seemed to follow her wherever she went. It was sometimes annoying to see. She looked especially gorgeous that night. A dress from River Island, high heels which thinned her legs and accentuated her calves. She probably didnât even notice Jonty or Nicolaâs absence. That was part of the problem.
Nicola glanced at the clock radio by the side of Joeâs bed. Fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes . That was all it had been. But it had felt like fifteen years. The shift inside her was immense. Sheâd only ever done it once before. An experiment in her bedroom, which had gone embarrassingly wrong. Something she didnât want to think about. But this ⦠this, with Jonty. This was very different.
But then it happened again. Two days later, while walking a dog for a neighbour.
In a field. By a hedge.
And then another time, barely a week later; at a village wedding reception, behind the community centre on the fire escape steps.
It was like they couldnât get enough of each other. It was wildly exciting. Thrilling. Her stomach felt like it was on fire. Her mouth and neck burnt all the time. There was a permanent ringing in her ears. She felt alive. She felt pretty ⦠and yes, she felt guilty. And this just made it all the more exciting.The guilt was somehow mixed up with the pretty feeling. This must be how it feels to be Olivia , sheâd thought. This was how it must be for every other non-fat person in the universe.
The last time was in Oliviaâs bedroom. That was reckless. They had been waiting for her to come back after picking up her sister.
âCan you amuse yourselves for a bit while I go and get Alice? Iâll only be half an hour.â
She saw Jontyâs eyes; how they narrowed and fluttered at the word âamuseâ. She knew exactly what he was thinking.
Only Olivia came home sooner that they thought. They heard the front door open and the girlsâ innocent voices as they skipped upstairs. The twisting of clothes, the breathless panic when they realized what they had done. It wasnât exciting this time. Instead, it was frightening and heavy and riddled with guilt.
âNo more,â she said swiftly as Jonty did up his jeans. And Jonty nodded with her.
And that was that.
Flushed, and packed full of bleak, heavy guilt, Nicola met the eyes of her best ever friend when she came through the door and she vowed that no matter what happened, however much she felt like it, she would never, ever do that thing again. Her friendship with Olivia meant too much. And judging by Jontyâs unease standing at the windowsill, he felt the same.
Sighing, Olivia reaches for a box of tissues. Sheâs been waiting quite a while. She tosses them gently on to the bed next toNicola. âHere,â she says.
Itâs as if she knows.
So Nicola says the necessary words. Her friend, if nothing else, deserves some honesty. âIt was four times.â
âOh.â Olivia studies her fingers furiously.
âSo sorry.â Nicola whispers, pulling tissue after tissue after tissue from the box. Sheâll empty it in seconds.
Olivia has a neat parting in her chestnut hair, a pale line running from her crown to her fringe. Itâs like everything about her: smart, orderly, organized.
âI think I might have been jealous.â
Olivia nods. Glances up. Chews on a nail. âI canât say I understand it. Itâs so cruel. To do it to a friend. To your oldest friend.â Her voice wobbles and she stares at the chewed nail. âUm ⦠but can I ask? Have you told him
She could have done with that.
He straightened himself and glanced at the door. âIâd better â¦â He nodded downstairs, where Olivia was. Olivia had probably not even noticed. Too busy dancing and laughing and chatting with the crowd of people who seemed to follow her wherever she went. It was sometimes annoying to see. She looked especially gorgeous that night. A dress from River Island, high heels which thinned her legs and accentuated her calves. She probably didnât even notice Jonty or Nicolaâs absence. That was part of the problem.
Nicola glanced at the clock radio by the side of Joeâs bed. Fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes . That was all it had been. But it had felt like fifteen years. The shift inside her was immense. Sheâd only ever done it once before. An experiment in her bedroom, which had gone embarrassingly wrong. Something she didnât want to think about. But this ⦠this, with Jonty. This was very different.
But then it happened again. Two days later, while walking a dog for a neighbour.
In a field. By a hedge.
And then another time, barely a week later; at a village wedding reception, behind the community centre on the fire escape steps.
It was like they couldnât get enough of each other. It was wildly exciting. Thrilling. Her stomach felt like it was on fire. Her mouth and neck burnt all the time. There was a permanent ringing in her ears. She felt alive. She felt pretty ⦠and yes, she felt guilty. And this just made it all the more exciting.The guilt was somehow mixed up with the pretty feeling. This must be how it feels to be Olivia , sheâd thought. This was how it must be for every other non-fat person in the universe.
The last time was in Oliviaâs bedroom. That was reckless. They had been waiting for her to come back after picking up her sister.
âCan you amuse yourselves for a bit while I go and get Alice? Iâll only be half an hour.â
She saw Jontyâs eyes; how they narrowed and fluttered at the word âamuseâ. She knew exactly what he was thinking.
Only Olivia came home sooner that they thought. They heard the front door open and the girlsâ innocent voices as they skipped upstairs. The twisting of clothes, the breathless panic when they realized what they had done. It wasnât exciting this time. Instead, it was frightening and heavy and riddled with guilt.
âNo more,â she said swiftly as Jonty did up his jeans. And Jonty nodded with her.
And that was that.
Flushed, and packed full of bleak, heavy guilt, Nicola met the eyes of her best ever friend when she came through the door and she vowed that no matter what happened, however much she felt like it, she would never, ever do that thing again. Her friendship with Olivia meant too much. And judging by Jontyâs unease standing at the windowsill, he felt the same.
Sighing, Olivia reaches for a box of tissues. Sheâs been waiting quite a while. She tosses them gently on to the bed next toNicola. âHere,â she says.
Itâs as if she knows.
So Nicola says the necessary words. Her friend, if nothing else, deserves some honesty. âIt was four times.â
âOh.â Olivia studies her fingers furiously.
âSo sorry.â Nicola whispers, pulling tissue after tissue after tissue from the box. Sheâll empty it in seconds.
Olivia has a neat parting in her chestnut hair, a pale line running from her crown to her fringe. Itâs like everything about her: smart, orderly, organized.
âI think I might have been jealous.â
Olivia nods. Glances up. Chews on a nail. âI canât say I understand it. Itâs so cruel. To do it to a friend. To your oldest friend.â Her voice wobbles and she stares at the chewed nail. âUm ⦠but can I ask? Have you told him
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