Read Online The Assimilated Cuban's Guide to Quantum Santeria by Carlos Hernández - Free Book Online
Authors: Carlos Hernández
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hell out of here!” she says, laughing.
“What?” shrugs Ken. “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”
“Out.” And Ken sulks off.
Then, back to me, smiling. “Nakeder.”
I get nakedest. Xiadon tosses me a superdermal.
It looks too small for me. It looks too small for a spider monkey. But as I put it on it stretches in surprisingly accommodating ways. One foot, then the next, then the arms, then the good doctor zips me up in back. I’m in.
Nothing’s pinching, nothing’s too tight—being an A-cup is a bonus today. I am starting to sweat a little. “Good,” says Xiadon. “Sweat helps the connections.”
She brandishes the helmet I’ll be wearing. It looks like a bear skullmade from machined aluminum, with rubbery black patches holding it together. The eyes are covered with what reminds me of the metal weave of a microphone. In all, it looks like the lovechild of a panda and a fly.
Inside the helmet—it’s a two-piece affair that’s assembled around the head—I see a jutting plastic sleeve for my tongue, and a pair of tubes that will go disturbingly far up my nostrils. Xiadon turns the mask so I can get a good look at it from every terrifying angle. I think she’s enjoying my horror.
“You’ve been taking the pills we’ve sent you?” she asks.
I have. Since receiving this assignment, I began a regimen of capsules that delivered a cocktail of chemicals and nanotechnology. In conjunction with this helmet, they presumably will help my brain process the sensory experiences the field robot will receive. My sense of smell will be as good as a panda’s, Cooper told me. I haven’t noticed any improvements leading up to today.
“You wouldn’t,” says Xiadon. “It only works when you’re in the suit.”
But that begs the question I’ve been dying to ask. “This is all so complicated, Dr. Xiadon. Brain-altering chemicals, nanotech, virtual reality suits, robot pandas—it’s like one of those overly elaborate schemes supervillains concoct in B-movies. There must be an easier way to save the pandas.”
“Actually, there isn’t,” she says. She places the helmet-halves on her desk, then leans against it and crosses her legs at the ankles. “I’ve been doing this a long time. We’ve tried mating pandas in captivity.Terrible track record. We’ve tried artificial insemination. Not much better. We’ve tried releasing them back into the wild. Abysmal. We have decades of brilliant scientists with excellent funding and the goodwill of the entire world failing to increase panda numbers. So you’ve got to ask, why?
“The problem,” she says, grabbing the faceplate of the helmet and studying it as she speaks, “is us. Humans. We pollute animal behavior. We ruin instinct. So we need to stay as far away from pandas as possible, while still using everything we know to help them help themselves.
“So how do we do that? By building a surrogate bear, one so realistic they will accept as one of their own, but imbued with humans smarts. Through them, we can collect semen in literally the most natural way possible. Same goes for delivering that semen. And best of all, we can use the robots to show pandas how to mate, so that one day, when there are enough of them, not only will they not need us anymore, they won’t want us anywhere near them.”
“But the robots are controlled by humans. Isn’t that pretty much the same thing? Won’t that pollute panda behavior too?”
She hands me the faceplate face-down, so that I’m looking at the tubes and tongue-sleeve. “That’s what this is for. There’s a giant panda inside you, Gabby. All we have to do is bring it to the surface.”
Cooper is already inside of and operating Avalon when Xiadonand I head out to the main room. Specifically, he’s running in place, thanks to the wires that keep the panda suit suspended so that its paws only just scrape the floor.
It’s mesmerizing, watching him run in the suit. It’s nothing like the goofy
“What?” shrugs Ken. “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”
“Out.” And Ken sulks off.
Then, back to me, smiling. “Nakeder.”
I get nakedest. Xiadon tosses me a superdermal.
It looks too small for me. It looks too small for a spider monkey. But as I put it on it stretches in surprisingly accommodating ways. One foot, then the next, then the arms, then the good doctor zips me up in back. I’m in.
Nothing’s pinching, nothing’s too tight—being an A-cup is a bonus today. I am starting to sweat a little. “Good,” says Xiadon. “Sweat helps the connections.”
She brandishes the helmet I’ll be wearing. It looks like a bear skullmade from machined aluminum, with rubbery black patches holding it together. The eyes are covered with what reminds me of the metal weave of a microphone. In all, it looks like the lovechild of a panda and a fly.
Inside the helmet—it’s a two-piece affair that’s assembled around the head—I see a jutting plastic sleeve for my tongue, and a pair of tubes that will go disturbingly far up my nostrils. Xiadon turns the mask so I can get a good look at it from every terrifying angle. I think she’s enjoying my horror.
“You’ve been taking the pills we’ve sent you?” she asks.
I have. Since receiving this assignment, I began a regimen of capsules that delivered a cocktail of chemicals and nanotechnology. In conjunction with this helmet, they presumably will help my brain process the sensory experiences the field robot will receive. My sense of smell will be as good as a panda’s, Cooper told me. I haven’t noticed any improvements leading up to today.
“You wouldn’t,” says Xiadon. “It only works when you’re in the suit.”
But that begs the question I’ve been dying to ask. “This is all so complicated, Dr. Xiadon. Brain-altering chemicals, nanotech, virtual reality suits, robot pandas—it’s like one of those overly elaborate schemes supervillains concoct in B-movies. There must be an easier way to save the pandas.”
“Actually, there isn’t,” she says. She places the helmet-halves on her desk, then leans against it and crosses her legs at the ankles. “I’ve been doing this a long time. We’ve tried mating pandas in captivity.Terrible track record. We’ve tried artificial insemination. Not much better. We’ve tried releasing them back into the wild. Abysmal. We have decades of brilliant scientists with excellent funding and the goodwill of the entire world failing to increase panda numbers. So you’ve got to ask, why?
“The problem,” she says, grabbing the faceplate of the helmet and studying it as she speaks, “is us. Humans. We pollute animal behavior. We ruin instinct. So we need to stay as far away from pandas as possible, while still using everything we know to help them help themselves.
“So how do we do that? By building a surrogate bear, one so realistic they will accept as one of their own, but imbued with humans smarts. Through them, we can collect semen in literally the most natural way possible. Same goes for delivering that semen. And best of all, we can use the robots to show pandas how to mate, so that one day, when there are enough of them, not only will they not need us anymore, they won’t want us anywhere near them.”
“But the robots are controlled by humans. Isn’t that pretty much the same thing? Won’t that pollute panda behavior too?”
She hands me the faceplate face-down, so that I’m looking at the tubes and tongue-sleeve. “That’s what this is for. There’s a giant panda inside you, Gabby. All we have to do is bring it to the surface.”
Cooper is already inside of and operating Avalon when Xiadonand I head out to the main room. Specifically, he’s running in place, thanks to the wires that keep the panda suit suspended so that its paws only just scrape the floor.
It’s mesmerizing, watching him run in the suit. It’s nothing like the goofy
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