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the
tablinum
whence it came. ‘The frescoes are scenesfrom the
Aeneid
, ghastly! I want to be portrayed in congress with my fellow gods and goddesses.’
    â€˜Yes, Divine Gaius,’ a small, balding Greek said, making a note on a wax tablet whilst scuttling behind the Emperor as he emerged, on spindly legs, into the atrium. ‘What sort of congress?’
    â€˜I leave that to you, Callistus; whatever seems appropriate with each god. You can imagine that there is a world of difference between congress with Venus and then Neptune.’ Caligula stopped, his sallow face lit up with inspiration. ‘Of course! Depict the victory that I’ll have over Neptune later in the year after I’ve subdued the Germanic tribes. I intend to lead my legions into the Northern Sea and thrash him there and then carry on to conquer Britannia.’
    â€˜Very good, Divine Gaius,’ Callistus said as if Caligula had just announced that he was to take a longer bath than usual.
    â€˜Ah! The god haters.’ Caligula’s eyes alighted on the Alexandrian embassy.
    Philo immediately prostrated himself; his fellows followed. ‘Hail Gaius Caesar Augustus.’
    Caligula frowned and cocked his head as if he feared that he had not heard correctly. ‘You see,’ he said, looking at Vespasian and Magnus and gesturing with an outstretched arm at the Jews who were now getting back to their feet. ‘Not one mention of my divinity.’
    â€˜Indeed not, Divine Gaius,’ Vespasian replied as Magnus mumbled his discontent at the omission.
    â€˜Indeed not, Vespasian; and Magnus, isn’t it? Would you deny that I am a god, Magnus?’
    â€˜How could I, Divine Gaius? You saved my life.’
    â€˜There you have it: I can both give life and take life. Which one shall it be with yours, I wonder?’ Caligula walked up to Philo and peered at him as if he were looking at a strange and puzzling phenomenon for the first time. ‘You are god haters inasmuch as you don’t think that I’m a god; I, who am already confessed to be a god by every nation but am refused that appellation by you.’ He then raised his hands to the heavens. ‘One fucking god! Are you mad?’
    The Greek embassy broke into applause at this performance and began showering Caligula with divine honorifics, much to his obvious delight.
    As the Emperor bathed in the godly flattery, the evident leader of the Greeks stepped forward and bowed deeply, his expression oozing subservience. ‘Divine master, you will hate with just vehemence these men that you see before you and all their fellow countrymen if you are made aware of their dissatisfaction and disloyalty to yourself.’ The Greek’s tone was honeyed and his gestures flowery and as he spoke he smirked. ‘When all other men were offering up sacrifices of thanksgiving for your safety, these men alone refused to offer any sacrifice at all. And when I say “these men” I mean also the rest of the Jews.’
    â€˜My Lord Gaius! Princeps!’ Philo cried. ‘We are falsely—’ Caligula cut him off with a sharp gesture and then pointed to the floor. ‘Callistus, the mosaic is far too pastoral. Have it re-laid with a more martial theme: me vanquishing the Germans would do it. Vespasian, come with me.’ He looked back at Philo. ‘Continue your whingeing!’ With that he hurried off along an airy corridor with high windows, running off the atrium, with Callistus and Vespasian accompanying him and Magnus in close attendance.
    â€˜We are falsely accused, Princeps,’ Philo called out as he and his embassy, now bereft of any semblance of dignity, scurried after their Emperor with the Greek delegation in hot pursuit. ‘We did sacrifice, many times. We didn’t even take the flesh home for our tables as is our custom but, rather, committed the victims entire to the flames as burnt offerings.’
    Caligula turned