today.”) Like all oppressors, they inevitably blame the victim, and therefore many people carry around a burden of shame for work “failures” that were either not failures or not their fault.
Teachers are a prime source of perfectionism. Along with saying the kinds of dumb, perfectionist things parents say, or expecting results that conflict with their own poor performance, like some bosses, teachers also often deliver the kinds of toxic rejections that lead to trauma and blocks (see below, and Chapter 7). There are a lot of bad teachers out there, unfortunately, and at all levels—and students can often quote me verbatim harsh or callous remarks that a teacher made years or decades earlier.
I particularly regret to say that there are many, many bad writing teachers out there, in part because many writers teach only to make money and have no real love or affinity for teaching (Section A.8).
Below is a list of teacher malfeasances; it’s long not because I want to pick on teachers, but because I don’t want you to blame yourself if you have been victimized by a teacher who behaved in any of the ways listed. I strongly believe that, except in unusual circumstances, learning failures and fiascos are never the student’s fault. Students
come to their teachers with legitimate needs, expectations, and dependencies, and are also relatively powerless. Teaching is not an easy job—and many teachers are, of course, themselves disempowered by their institutions or other forces—but that doesn’t excuse unprofessionalism. Although an oppressive teacher will be quick to blame the student in case of problems, the student should never believe that.
Teacher malfeasances: harshness (attacking); bias (against you, your subject matter, your style); rigidity and dogmatism (only one way to succeed or make progress); pickiness (lack of proportion; attacking); fatalism (about you or your work); overgeneralization from one work; jealousy; competitiveness; unresponsiveness; criticalness (of you, your life, and/or your values); unpredictability; erraticness; lack of compassion, empathy, or kindness; playing favorites (with or against you); coming on to you inappropriately (in friendship or sexually); stealing your work; not admitting his/her own mistakes or limitations; admitting problems but not apologizing, atoning, or rectifying; lack of preparedness or other unprofessionalism; dishonesty; denial of truth about writing process or careers; obfuscation or mystification; aggressiveness; condescension; patronizing attitude; inadequateness (intellectually or otherwise); lack of time for you; laxity; uncaringness.
“Innate perfectionism.” People often ask whether someone could be “born perfectionist.” It’s true that some kids are born with a more critical or judgmental temperament than others—any parent knows that. So it would be fair to say that some kids have a propensity for perfectionism. But compassionate parenting and teaching can help kids avoid perfectionism. Remember that criticality itself is not perfectionism: perfectionism is when you set unreasonable standards and punish yourself harshly for failing to meet them, are grandiose, emphasize product over process, etc. Criticality itself, in the sense of being able to make meaningful distinctions, is a good thing.
Unfortunately, perfectionism is so pervasive that most kids wind up having their perfectionist tendencies reinforced.
Section 2.9 Perfectionism’s Origins II:
Trauma and “Situational Perfectionism”
T rauma is what psychologists call the collection of psychological and physiological changes that can arise from incidents of profound helplessness in the face of threat. You may be familiar with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which happens to victims of war, violent crime, or natural disaster; its symptoms include intellectual or emotional rigidity (inflexibility), dichotomous (black-and-white) thinking, and attempts at control.
Notice how those
Teachers are a prime source of perfectionism. Along with saying the kinds of dumb, perfectionist things parents say, or expecting results that conflict with their own poor performance, like some bosses, teachers also often deliver the kinds of toxic rejections that lead to trauma and blocks (see below, and Chapter 7). There are a lot of bad teachers out there, unfortunately, and at all levels—and students can often quote me verbatim harsh or callous remarks that a teacher made years or decades earlier.
I particularly regret to say that there are many, many bad writing teachers out there, in part because many writers teach only to make money and have no real love or affinity for teaching (Section A.8).
Below is a list of teacher malfeasances; it’s long not because I want to pick on teachers, but because I don’t want you to blame yourself if you have been victimized by a teacher who behaved in any of the ways listed. I strongly believe that, except in unusual circumstances, learning failures and fiascos are never the student’s fault. Students
come to their teachers with legitimate needs, expectations, and dependencies, and are also relatively powerless. Teaching is not an easy job—and many teachers are, of course, themselves disempowered by their institutions or other forces—but that doesn’t excuse unprofessionalism. Although an oppressive teacher will be quick to blame the student in case of problems, the student should never believe that.
Teacher malfeasances: harshness (attacking); bias (against you, your subject matter, your style); rigidity and dogmatism (only one way to succeed or make progress); pickiness (lack of proportion; attacking); fatalism (about you or your work); overgeneralization from one work; jealousy; competitiveness; unresponsiveness; criticalness (of you, your life, and/or your values); unpredictability; erraticness; lack of compassion, empathy, or kindness; playing favorites (with or against you); coming on to you inappropriately (in friendship or sexually); stealing your work; not admitting his/her own mistakes or limitations; admitting problems but not apologizing, atoning, or rectifying; lack of preparedness or other unprofessionalism; dishonesty; denial of truth about writing process or careers; obfuscation or mystification; aggressiveness; condescension; patronizing attitude; inadequateness (intellectually or otherwise); lack of time for you; laxity; uncaringness.
“Innate perfectionism.” People often ask whether someone could be “born perfectionist.” It’s true that some kids are born with a more critical or judgmental temperament than others—any parent knows that. So it would be fair to say that some kids have a propensity for perfectionism. But compassionate parenting and teaching can help kids avoid perfectionism. Remember that criticality itself is not perfectionism: perfectionism is when you set unreasonable standards and punish yourself harshly for failing to meet them, are grandiose, emphasize product over process, etc. Criticality itself, in the sense of being able to make meaningful distinctions, is a good thing.
Unfortunately, perfectionism is so pervasive that most kids wind up having their perfectionist tendencies reinforced.
Section 2.9 Perfectionism’s Origins II:
Trauma and “Situational Perfectionism”
T rauma is what psychologists call the collection of psychological and physiological changes that can arise from incidents of profound helplessness in the face of threat. You may be familiar with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which happens to victims of war, violent crime, or natural disaster; its symptoms include intellectual or emotional rigidity (inflexibility), dichotomous (black-and-white) thinking, and attempts at control.
Notice how those
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