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Authors: Paula Grahame
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Tales of a First Time
Mom:
A collection of all the
crap the baby books
didn't tell me. Some
gross, some funny, all absolutely true.
By: Paula Grahame
New mommy circa 2011
Text copyright © 2012
Paula Grahame
All Rights Reserved
Cover image courtesy of:
Acclaim Images, LLC
For Rob.
The man I shared my
experience with.
The man I love.
And
For Aiden.
You are my world.
My whole entire world.
Table of Contents
INTRODUCTION
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER
THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER
SEVEN
CHAPTER
EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
CHAPTER
ELEVEN
INTRODUCTION
Congratulations! You are going to have a baby.
That's such wonderful news. You are about to embark on the ultimate journey
learning tons of new things about your body and exciting life lessons along the
way. We both know exactly what you are about to do – You're about to crack
open the first of the countless pregnancy, baby, and parenting self-help books
that you purchased the second you saw that “positive” on the stick. You expect
that these books will prepare you for what is about to happen to your body. To
tell you that your baby is going to be the most perfect little quiet, bubbly,
never-pooping, sound sleeper on the planet. To assure you that your formerly
slim figure will get right back to perfection in 8 weeks. To guarantee that if
you follow their advice, you will never have spit up on your shirt, or cheerios
smashed into your carpet. The books are great. I've read them all. They include
a wealth of knowledge and wisdom and are written by fantastic women (and some
men). But as you read them you may notice that they all seem to be lacking in a
few topics. Maybe because these topics are less than pleasant to talk about.
Maybe because it's only acceptable to believe in perfection. Maybe because we
all want to live in denial that naughty, crying, temperamental little demon
kids actually do exist. Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter now because all
of those funny, gross and quirky things that the Mommy books didn't tell me are
right here and I am sharing them with you. While I am no expert in pregnancy,
parenting, motherhood, I am a self-proclaimed funny chick who chose to put my
own spin on things. I was no perfect pregnant woman, perfect parent, or perfect
wife. I have learned, and am still learning along the way just like everyone
else. So grab yourself an iced tea, prop your swollen feet up, and prepare for
some of the funny, gross & sensitive but all very true things that I have
learned and experienced on my journey towards motherhood.
CHAPTER ONE
The Casually Dressed Roly Poly Oly
Being pregnant is such a mind blowing feeling.
Knowing that you and your partner created this being and it is your job to
provide the perfect environment to grow in is so incredible. It is probably
the only thing, aside from that moment you actually become ‘Mommy’ that there
truly are no words for.
While the selection is not always the best, it
is still (sort of) fun to shop for maternity clothes – even though you might be
feeling like a big fat troll. These days stores and websites have tons of
clothing options whether you want to hide that belly, or show it off. Those
prenatal vitamins you are taking, along with the surge of hormones running
through your veins will make your hair, skin and nails look amazing. In turn
you will do everything in your power to maintain your current look, or make it
better. That being said you should keep in mind that trying to 'primp' while
pregnant is a joke – at least for the last few months. I had no idea what I
was shaving or what it looked like 'down there' for a solid 4 months. Primping
for me became heaving my giant swollen ankle on to
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