Read Online Tales of a First Time Mom: A collection of all the crap the baby books didn't tell me. Some gross, some funny, all absolutely true. by Paula Grahame - Free Book Online
For Rob. The man I shared my experience with. The man I love. And For Aiden. You are my world. My whole entire world.
Table of Contents INTRODUCTION CHAPTER ONE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTER THREE CHAPTER FOUR CHAPTER FIVE CHAPTER SIX CHAPTER SEVEN CHAPTER EIGHT CHAPTER NINE CHAPTER TEN CHAPTER ELEVEN
INTRODUCTION
Congratulations! You are going to have a baby. That's such wonderful news. You are about to embark on the ultimate journey learning tons of new things about your body and exciting life lessons along the way. We both know exactly what you are about to do – You're about to crack open the first of the countless pregnancy, baby, and parenting self-help books that you purchased the second you saw that “positive” on the stick. You expect that these books will prepare you for what is about to happen to your body. To tell you that your baby is going to be the most perfect little quiet, bubbly, never-pooping, sound sleeper on the planet. To assure you that your formerly slim figure will get right back to perfection in 8 weeks. To guarantee that if you follow their advice, you will never have spit up on your shirt, or cheerios smashed into your carpet. The books are great. I've read them all. They include a wealth of knowledge and wisdom and are written by fantastic women (and some men). But as you read them you may notice that they all seem to be lacking in a few topics. Maybe because these topics are less than pleasant to talk about. Maybe because it's only acceptable to believe in perfection. Maybe because we all want to live in denial that naughty, crying, temperamental little demon kids actually do exist. Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter now because all of those funny, gross and quirky things that the Mommy books didn't tell me are right here and I am sharing them with you. While I am no expert in pregnancy, parenting, motherhood, I am a self-proclaimed funny chick who chose to put my own spin on things. I was no perfect pregnant woman, perfect parent, or perfect wife. I have learned, and am still learning along the way just like everyone else. So grab yourself an iced tea, prop your swollen feet up, and prepare for some of the funny, gross & sensitive but all very true things that I have learned and experienced on my journey towards motherhood.
CHAPTER ONE The Casually Dressed Roly Poly Oly
Being pregnant is such a mind blowing feeling. Knowing that you and your partner created this being and it is your job to provide the perfect environment to grow in is so incredible. It is probably the only thing, aside from that moment you actually become ‘Mommy’ that there truly are no words for. While the selection is not always the best, it is still (sort of) fun to shop for maternity clothes – even though you might be feeling like a big fat troll. These days stores and websites have tons of clothing options whether you want to hide that belly, or show it off. Those prenatal vitamins you are taking, along with the surge of hormones running through your veins will make your hair, skin and nails look amazing. In turn you will do everything in your power to maintain your current look, or make it better. That being said you should keep in mind that trying to 'primp' while pregnant is a joke – at least for the last few months. I had no idea what I was shaving or what it looked like 'down there' for a solid 4 months. Primping for me became heaving my giant swollen ankle on to