Read Online Tales from the Emergency Room by FAAAAI MD William E. Hermance - Free Book Online Page A

punctured, the contents of the egg spilled out and the egg collapsed. The oil prevented any injury to the surrounding tissues as the egg shell broke apart and was expelled. At the time I thought that this was the cleverest thing I had ever seen and, of course, the whole idea was terribly funny to me as well. The patient quickly recovered his dignity and left. I hope he never tried this again. If he had used a hard-boiled egg, extraction of the foreign body would have been more difficult.
    The Non-Alcoholic
    In the same area where the egg episode took place some people spent days while the hospital operated at 100% capacity. My job one day was to take an admission history and perform an admission physical exam. I introduced myself to a very distinguished looking middle-aged man whose excellent color did not immediately suggest illness. His admitting diagnosis however was cirrhosis of the liver. The reason this man stands out in my memory is apparent from his history. He was an executive high up in the railroad industry and, I gathered, did most of his work at lunch and dinner with other businessmen. He actually admitted to having a fair amount of alcohol to drink as a normal part of his day but did not consider himself to be an alcoholic. Lunch always began with several drinks. During most afternoons there would be more drinks in business offices and boardrooms. He dined out virtually every night on business with several drinks, wine and after-dinner drinks. He rode in the bar car on his commute to the suburbs, and there was always a nightcap at home. Heaven knows what happened on weekends! However, as part of his talk with me he noted that he had never been drunk and that no one had ever seen him function below top notch because of alcohol. It occurred to me that there was always a minimum level of alcohol in his blood stream, and that his liver was ruined having to continuously process the chemical. In reality, no one knew what he was like without his alcohol dose. He eventually died in the hospital from bleeding esophageal varices, a direct result of his liver disease.
    The Wrong Way Ride
    Whenever the police found a new physician in the ER, they would zero in on him (not usually her) in order I suppose to have a little fun. One evening I was called to go in the patrol car to an intersection nearby because of a report of a man lying in the street. I knew the location was north of the hospital but was alarmed and then really frightened to find that, indeed, we were going north, on Ninth Avenue which is one-way going south! It was a fast ride during which I rode with my feet on the dashboard. Then, to get to the scene we drove west on an east-bound street. When we got there, the “patient” had gotten up and wandered off, but many people had witnessed this so there really had been the potential for trouble. Ever after, as I got to know New York City’s Finest, I was reminded of this ride and my reaction to it. Everyone except me thought it was hilarious, but I was just happy to have lived through it unscathed.
    Illegal Turn
    Getting to know the police did have benefits, however. About three years after the story above, I turned off of the West Side Highway at 72 nd Street because the traffic ahead of me on the Highway was at a standstill. It was the end of another busy day for me. I was still wearing my hospital whites and driving my little red Volkswagen. I knew all the reasonable routes around traffic jams on my way to and from work. At the stoplight, I made a left onto Riverside Drive to continue my trip north. I was immediately pulled over for making this (unknown to me) illegal turn. About half-way through his review of my “error” the officer stopped, peered closely at me and began to chuckle. He had identified me as the “Doc” known for his one-way rides. Then he bawled me out, but he didn’t give me a ticket and we had a friendly little chat before I went on my way. Never again did I make that wrong turn and,