Read Online Swell Foop by Piers Anthony - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Piers Anthony
Tags: Fiction, General, Humorous, Humorous fiction, Fantasy fiction, Fantasy, Science Fiction/Fantasy, Xanth (Imaginary place)
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that feels what you need, and takes you there."
"But I already know where I'm going."
"But you don't know how to get there without getting into trouble."
Breanna nodded. "Right. So how do I get an M-path?"
"I just happen to have one here." The demoness reached into her own bosom, rummaged around elbow deep, and came up with a small length of tape. She presented this to Breanna.
"This is it? I can't walk on this."
"Just hold it in front of you and follow the glowing M."
"Oh." Breanna tried it, turning around while holding the tape. Sure enough, the M brightened in one direction. She went that way. Soon they came to a hall intersection, and the M brightened to the right. She followed it, and soon it brightened to the right again. When the path intersected a hall they had already been through, Breanna halted. "This thing's going in circles!"
"No it isn't," Metria said. "It's always right."
"But what if I need to go left?"
"It makes three right turns."
"Oh," Breanna said again. It did turn out that the M-path led across the hall and through a new one. It had made a looping left turn.
They continued until they came to a washroom. There the path ended.
Breanna looked around it. "I can't find any continuation from here," she said, frustrated.
"It must be here, then," Metria said. "Hidden."
They looked all around the small chamber, but found no ring. There was a pitcher of water, and a basin, a washcloth, and a towel, and that was all.
"It must have been here, and then been lost," Xeth suggested.
"But my sense of it indicated it was here!"
"It could have been here for centuries, leaving its trace, and been taken yesterday," Metria said. "We don't know how current your perception is."
Breanna wasn't sure she understood that, but certainly the Ring was not to be found. "So what do we do now?"
"We can ask Professor Grossclout," Xeth said.
"No!" Breanna and Metria said together.
"But who else might know?"
"Well, there's Ersup," Metria said. "She looks in her purse to find something personal about whoever she concentrates on."
"Would that help me find the Ring of Fire?"
"It should, if it's personal."
Breanna was dubious, but game. "Okay. Where's Ersup?"
"I don't know. I haven't seen her in months."
Breanna did her best not to explode. "You're a big help!"
"Thank you."
Breanna pondered. "Xeth, you say this Ring controls Com Pewter too?"
"Yes, he is demonic."
"He knows a lot, and I get along with him okay. I'll ask him."
"Those infernal machines are not to be trusted," Metria said.
"Neither are demons," Breanna retorted.
"How can you say that? I am a ghost."
"You're a what?"
"Apparition, specter, spook, phantasm, ghastly—"
"Aghast!" Breanna exclaimed, making the devious connection.
"Whatever," the demoness agreed crossly. "We demons can be trusted to be perfectly demonly."
"Which is to say, devious."
"True. So why trust a demon machine?"
"Because I set him up with his girlfriend, Com Passion. She'd be annoyed if he played me false."
Metria nodded. "Helm has no fury like that of a female annoyed."
That seemed close enough, considering. "So can you take us to Pewter—and if so, will you?"
"Of course I can, and will." She fuzzed into smoke. The smoke enclosed them, then dissipated.
There was Com Pewter's screen before them. TO WHAT DO I OWE THE DUBIOUS PLEASURE OF THIS VISIT BY GIRL, ZOMBIE, AND DEMONESS? the screen printed.
"We have a problem," Breanna said. "I need to find the Ring of Fire to save Xanth from a loss of gravity."
BUT XANTH HAS NO GRAVITY, ONLY HUMOR.
"Gravity as in staying on the ground. The Demon Earth's lost, and his gravity is fading. The Ring of Fire is supposed to be in a demon washroom, but I can't find it. Can you help me?"
NO
Breanna was used to this. "Can you direct me to any person, creature, thing, or idea that can, and if so—?"
Another machine appeared beside Pewter. ©© Why, hello, dear mortal girl ©© the new screen scripted.
"Hello, Com Passion!" Breanna
"But I already know where I'm going."
"But you don't know how to get there without getting into trouble."
Breanna nodded. "Right. So how do I get an M-path?"
"I just happen to have one here." The demoness reached into her own bosom, rummaged around elbow deep, and came up with a small length of tape. She presented this to Breanna.
"This is it? I can't walk on this."
"Just hold it in front of you and follow the glowing M."
"Oh." Breanna tried it, turning around while holding the tape. Sure enough, the M brightened in one direction. She went that way. Soon they came to a hall intersection, and the M brightened to the right. She followed it, and soon it brightened to the right again. When the path intersected a hall they had already been through, Breanna halted. "This thing's going in circles!"
"No it isn't," Metria said. "It's always right."
"But what if I need to go left?"
"It makes three right turns."
"Oh," Breanna said again. It did turn out that the M-path led across the hall and through a new one. It had made a looping left turn.
They continued until they came to a washroom. There the path ended.
Breanna looked around it. "I can't find any continuation from here," she said, frustrated.
"It must be here, then," Metria said. "Hidden."
They looked all around the small chamber, but found no ring. There was a pitcher of water, and a basin, a washcloth, and a towel, and that was all.
"It must have been here, and then been lost," Xeth suggested.
"But my sense of it indicated it was here!"
"It could have been here for centuries, leaving its trace, and been taken yesterday," Metria said. "We don't know how current your perception is."
Breanna wasn't sure she understood that, but certainly the Ring was not to be found. "So what do we do now?"
"We can ask Professor Grossclout," Xeth said.
"No!" Breanna and Metria said together.
"But who else might know?"
"Well, there's Ersup," Metria said. "She looks in her purse to find something personal about whoever she concentrates on."
"Would that help me find the Ring of Fire?"
"It should, if it's personal."
Breanna was dubious, but game. "Okay. Where's Ersup?"
"I don't know. I haven't seen her in months."
Breanna did her best not to explode. "You're a big help!"
"Thank you."
Breanna pondered. "Xeth, you say this Ring controls Com Pewter too?"
"Yes, he is demonic."
"He knows a lot, and I get along with him okay. I'll ask him."
"Those infernal machines are not to be trusted," Metria said.
"Neither are demons," Breanna retorted.
"How can you say that? I am a ghost."
"You're a what?"
"Apparition, specter, spook, phantasm, ghastly—"
"Aghast!" Breanna exclaimed, making the devious connection.
"Whatever," the demoness agreed crossly. "We demons can be trusted to be perfectly demonly."
"Which is to say, devious."
"True. So why trust a demon machine?"
"Because I set him up with his girlfriend, Com Passion. She'd be annoyed if he played me false."
Metria nodded. "Helm has no fury like that of a female annoyed."
That seemed close enough, considering. "So can you take us to Pewter—and if so, will you?"
"Of course I can, and will." She fuzzed into smoke. The smoke enclosed them, then dissipated.
There was Com Pewter's screen before them. TO WHAT DO I OWE THE DUBIOUS PLEASURE OF THIS VISIT BY GIRL, ZOMBIE, AND DEMONESS? the screen printed.
"We have a problem," Breanna said. "I need to find the Ring of Fire to save Xanth from a loss of gravity."
BUT XANTH HAS NO GRAVITY, ONLY HUMOR.
"Gravity as in staying on the ground. The Demon Earth's lost, and his gravity is fading. The Ring of Fire is supposed to be in a demon washroom, but I can't find it. Can you help me?"
NO
Breanna was used to this. "Can you direct me to any person, creature, thing, or idea that can, and if so—?"
Another machine appeared beside Pewter. ©© Why, hello, dear mortal girl ©© the new screen scripted.
"Hello, Com Passion!" Breanna
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