Read Online Susanna's Christmas Wish by Jerry S. Eicher - Free Book Online Page B

even known were there. But he had remained silent and Matthew continued.
    “I asked her to marry me that day, Herman. Down by the pond. And she said yes. She was so happy it hurt. That’s what finally woke me up. Her happiness. The joy on her face. The me she saw. But the Matthew she loved wasn’t who I really was. That day I understood, but I was unable to admit the truth. She went into the side of the woods and picked flowers—little tiny ones, purple, orange, and blue. Wove them into a circle for me. ‘A circle of love,’ she said. ‘Our love.’ And she gave them to me.” Matthew’s voice trailed off again, a faraway look in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” Matthew had said moments later, looking up for the first time. “I guess I shouldn’t be telling you this. But I just had to get it off my chest. Perhaps find my way again. I can’t share this with anyone else.”
    “You could come back to the church,” Herman had managed to get out. “That would be the first step toward peace.” A simple answer, he figured. Not like the complicated stuff Matthew was telling him, but Herman didn’t have any other ones. He was a simple man.
    A brief smile flashed across Matthew’s face. “I might go down and speak with Bishop Jacob. Confess some things to him. Not that he’s going to lift the bann on me, but for my own sake before Da Hah .”
    “You can always come back,” Herman repeated. There hadn’t seemed anything else to say.
    Matthew shook his head. “I thought I might try that when I came back this week—well, before I arrived actually. But then I found out Susanna had married. Deep down I always knew coming back wouldn’t work, so I’ll take Susanna’s marriage as an added sign from Da Hah that He knows me better than I know myself. The way to the past is closed, Herman. I finally told Susanna that months after that afternoon by the pond. And now I know it’s still true.”
    Herman had nodded, not because he necessarily agreed, but perhaps it was best this way. Having Matthew around would be mighty uncomfortable. But Matthew’s absence was a horrible thing to desire because his soul was in such danger. Herman’s thoughts came back to the present. Right now he couldn’t help how he felt about the matter. And there was nothing more to think or to say about Matthew.
    He really needed to get inside before Susanna thought something was amiss. On the way out of the barn, he paused and looked at the stack of hay piled against the wall. Perhaps he should throw more bales down from the haymow? The job needed doing soon, and it would give him time to gather his thoughts before facing Susanna again.
    Yah , I will, Herman decided. He climbed the ladder. Dusty silence greeted him on top except for a few chirping sparrows on the beam high above him. Spider webs hung everywhere, but that wasn’t unusual. He must stop thinking dreary thoughts. Susanna waited for him inside, and she was his frau . No matter how much Matthew wished it otherwise.
    That was the real problem, wasn’t it? Matthew wished he were married to Susanna. Yah , Matthew might not wish to admit to the fact, but deep down he did. Matthew wished things had turned out differently. That he had stayed in the community and taken a different road in life. Surely that was his real reason for being here now—to find out if there was a way back to the Amish life.
    Did Susanna also feel this way? Herman sat down on the hay bales, the thought heavy on his mind. Was this true? It couldn’t be. Susanna wasn’t like that. But she had changed since their wedding, hadn’t she? Into a person not unlike the one Matthew described. Warm, loving, kind-hearted, snuggling up to him whenever she had a chance.
    Was she trying to make their relationship like hers and Matthew’s would have been? Or used to be? A warm memory in her mind that wouldn’t go away?
    Herman stood and threw a bale of hay down the ladder chute, listening to it bounce on the floor. With a great