taking his own life. The first had been six months after Karen had left him and he had found himself drunk again, staring into a mirror at eyes that hadn’t slept properly in many weeks, and the darkness and loneliness had felt as tight as a straitjacket, squeezing any remnants of joy left out of him. He had held a razor to his wrists and to this day he had no doubt he would have carried through with it unless at that very moment a burglar hadn’t decided to put a brick through the back window of the house he lived in and, incidentally, save his life. The second incident had been in Afghanistan, and was difficult to see as a memory, more a collection of blood-splattered images linked by rage and a desire to kill and to die. He blinked, forcing the memories away.
‘And then when I was at the computer an instant message arrived from a boy I don’t know. Someone called Ethan.’
‘What did you do?’
‘I didn’t know what to do but I knew I had to know. I typed in “yes” and sent a reply.’
‘What happened?
‘Nothing for a moment and then a reply asking who was this? He knew, you see. He knew I wasn’t Rebecca. But the worst part is I heard the door open to Rebecca’s bedroom and when I turned around to look there she was, standing there looking at me, crying. Instead of doing what I should have done I did what Agatha did to that girl from my school. I attacked my own daughter, I confronted her, demanded she show me her arms. When she wouldn’t I pulled and ripped at her shirtsleeves. She was screaming at me, clawing but I did it and there they were, scars, Erasmus.’
Erasmus shifted uncomfortably in his chair.
‘Can’t social services help? Your doctor?’
Karen shot him a look that could have been contempt but her tone didn’t change.
‘Of course I’ve spoken to them and the school. They have procedures in place, counselling courses, they always have done, even in our day. Rebecca has agreed to go.’
‘How can I help?’
She looked up at him, this woman whose face still had the power to make him shudder, but who, in truth, in many ways he barely recognised.
‘I haven’t told you the worst bit. Three days ago I came home early and – ’ she gulped, shut her eyes, and then recovered herself ‘ – the house was quiet, I thought no one was home. I took off my suit, you know how it is when you get home from work, you want to relax, and I decided to run a bath. I walked into the bathroom and I found Rebecca in the bath.’
She paused.
‘Was she OK?’
‘She was naked in the bath, with her iPad propped in front of her, and there was blood in the water. I looked at her and just knew what she had been doing, but she screamed at me to get out, that she was on her period. But I know that’s not true, we’re synched. She had been cutting herself and you know when they do it in a bath … ’ She shook her head. ‘Erasmus, there was a razor blade on the side of the bath. I think she was going to … Shit.’ She raised her hand to her temple.
Erasmus bit his lip.
‘I’m sorry. It’s just I know what she was thinking of doing. What am I going to do?’
‘Did you speak to her about it?’
‘Of course I did, I even managed not to shout, God knows how. I asked her what she was watching on her iPad in the bath.’ She smiled wanly. ‘But she told me it was none of my business. None of my business, my own child’s life.’
This time the tears came.
Erasmus wanted to get up, walk around the desk and hold her, but the weight of the years and the history between them acted like a force field around him preventing any reaction.
She composed herself.
‘I think she was messaging this boy Ethan at the time. Why else would she have her iPad there? I don’t know any Ethan. I’ve spoken to the school and they don’t have an Ethan there. Rebecca won’t tell me anything. I’m sure he’s been influencing her.’
Erasmus leaned back. One of these days he would get a nice straightforward
‘And then when I was at the computer an instant message arrived from a boy I don’t know. Someone called Ethan.’
‘What did you do?’
‘I didn’t know what to do but I knew I had to know. I typed in “yes” and sent a reply.’
‘What happened?
‘Nothing for a moment and then a reply asking who was this? He knew, you see. He knew I wasn’t Rebecca. But the worst part is I heard the door open to Rebecca’s bedroom and when I turned around to look there she was, standing there looking at me, crying. Instead of doing what I should have done I did what Agatha did to that girl from my school. I attacked my own daughter, I confronted her, demanded she show me her arms. When she wouldn’t I pulled and ripped at her shirtsleeves. She was screaming at me, clawing but I did it and there they were, scars, Erasmus.’
Erasmus shifted uncomfortably in his chair.
‘Can’t social services help? Your doctor?’
Karen shot him a look that could have been contempt but her tone didn’t change.
‘Of course I’ve spoken to them and the school. They have procedures in place, counselling courses, they always have done, even in our day. Rebecca has agreed to go.’
‘How can I help?’
She looked up at him, this woman whose face still had the power to make him shudder, but who, in truth, in many ways he barely recognised.
‘I haven’t told you the worst bit. Three days ago I came home early and – ’ she gulped, shut her eyes, and then recovered herself ‘ – the house was quiet, I thought no one was home. I took off my suit, you know how it is when you get home from work, you want to relax, and I decided to run a bath. I walked into the bathroom and I found Rebecca in the bath.’
She paused.
‘Was she OK?’
‘She was naked in the bath, with her iPad propped in front of her, and there was blood in the water. I looked at her and just knew what she had been doing, but she screamed at me to get out, that she was on her period. But I know that’s not true, we’re synched. She had been cutting herself and you know when they do it in a bath … ’ She shook her head. ‘Erasmus, there was a razor blade on the side of the bath. I think she was going to … Shit.’ She raised her hand to her temple.
Erasmus bit his lip.
‘I’m sorry. It’s just I know what she was thinking of doing. What am I going to do?’
‘Did you speak to her about it?’
‘Of course I did, I even managed not to shout, God knows how. I asked her what she was watching on her iPad in the bath.’ She smiled wanly. ‘But she told me it was none of my business. None of my business, my own child’s life.’
This time the tears came.
Erasmus wanted to get up, walk around the desk and hold her, but the weight of the years and the history between them acted like a force field around him preventing any reaction.
She composed herself.
‘I think she was messaging this boy Ethan at the time. Why else would she have her iPad there? I don’t know any Ethan. I’ve spoken to the school and they don’t have an Ethan there. Rebecca won’t tell me anything. I’m sure he’s been influencing her.’
Erasmus leaned back. One of these days he would get a nice straightforward
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