the bum got close. I became less intimidated by him with each glass wall put up in his face. He took it in stride, but watching his hope rise and fall so often made me want to let him in on the food runner gig. That’d be weird though.
A green light made the bum retreat to the sidewalk where the sun beat down on him. He folded the cardboard over his head and shaded himself from the sun.
I flagged him over. The bum sprang to action faster than his appearance let on and he bolted across the street.
“Hey, hey, Joe, what’d ya know?” he said.
“How’s it going?”
“It’s going but it ain’t gone, know what I mean?”
“What’s up with that sign?”
The bum looked down to his cardboard.
“The middle, we’re in it!”
“Huh?”
“Most guys like me have that ‘end is near’ shit going. I can’t tell ya when that is—but until it happens, I can tell ya where the middle is!”
“Uh, hey, I’ll give you the change from this if you can get me a fifth of Jack.”
“At your service, milord,” the bum said as he took the money with a bow. “Back in a flash!”
He disappeared around the corner while I leaned against the cool cinderblocks on the shady side of Castle Liquor. Relieved my mission was headed for success, I slid my butt to the ground and waited. And waited . . .
After twenty minutes had gone by, I started to think both the bum and the whiskey weren’t coming back.
I’m fucked if I got scammed. Shit.
“Hey, hey!” The bum turned the corner waving a bottle in a tightly wrapped, brown paper bag. “Sorry I took so long. Since I was a ‘paying customer,’” he said with a wink, “guy let me use the shitter. And I was carrying a heavy load, ya know? The AC in the back is amazing from the beer refrigeration too. Look! I’ve still got goosebumps.” The sense of his true joy was tangible. It made me feel better about myself. This was working out.
“Anyways, here ya go.” The bum handed me the bottle.
Now for real, this was the first time I had something regarded as contraband in my actual, true possession.
“Thanks for the tip, kid. Anytime you need me, I’m around.”
I tucked the bottle under my shirt and walked back to the pier with a smile and the beginnings of a strut. I didn’t want to make any money on this, I just wanted to be in with Dracula.
When I got back, I saw Renaldo balancing four nacho orders and two slush puppies in his arms.
“You got it? Told you.”
“Yeah!” I said, flashing the bag.
“Better get your ass up there, man. He is pissed.”
I walked up the ramp where Dracula was talking up a demonic nun and a zombie girl.
“There you are, Jesus!” he snarled.
“Hey.” I thought this was going to go way better.
“You got the booze?”
“Yeah, here you go.”
Dracula took the brown wrapper off the bottle.
“Oh, what the fuck?! Ancient Age? This is the cheapest fucking whiskey there is. I told you Drac drinks the Jack.”
I didn’t know what to say.
“You want me to go blind? Where are the rubs?”
I pulled the condoms out of my pocket and hoped for a better reaction.
“Un-lubricated?!?! You stupid fuck, these are going to rip my pubes out!”
“Uh, sorry.”
“You’re a shitty nacho bitch. Where’s the change?”
“I don’t have it.”
“What? Don’t try that shit on me. There should be plenty since you bought the world’s crappiest everything.”
“I had to give it to a bum to get the whiskey.”
“Bullshit. Empty your pockets.”
I fell under Dracula’s command and pulled out the change I had made all afternoon.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought, you liar.”
Renaldo had been watching from a picnic table over.
“Leave him alone, he got you the stuff. That’s his money from before.”
“Shut up, you beaner. I’ll get you banned from here so quick you’ll have to go pick strawberries.”
Renaldo fumed and held his anger in. It was true, Dracula had the most pull at the Castle.
“Come on, lighten
A green light made the bum retreat to the sidewalk where the sun beat down on him. He folded the cardboard over his head and shaded himself from the sun.
I flagged him over. The bum sprang to action faster than his appearance let on and he bolted across the street.
“Hey, hey, Joe, what’d ya know?” he said.
“How’s it going?”
“It’s going but it ain’t gone, know what I mean?”
“What’s up with that sign?”
The bum looked down to his cardboard.
“The middle, we’re in it!”
“Huh?”
“Most guys like me have that ‘end is near’ shit going. I can’t tell ya when that is—but until it happens, I can tell ya where the middle is!”
“Uh, hey, I’ll give you the change from this if you can get me a fifth of Jack.”
“At your service, milord,” the bum said as he took the money with a bow. “Back in a flash!”
He disappeared around the corner while I leaned against the cool cinderblocks on the shady side of Castle Liquor. Relieved my mission was headed for success, I slid my butt to the ground and waited. And waited . . .
After twenty minutes had gone by, I started to think both the bum and the whiskey weren’t coming back.
I’m fucked if I got scammed. Shit.
“Hey, hey!” The bum turned the corner waving a bottle in a tightly wrapped, brown paper bag. “Sorry I took so long. Since I was a ‘paying customer,’” he said with a wink, “guy let me use the shitter. And I was carrying a heavy load, ya know? The AC in the back is amazing from the beer refrigeration too. Look! I’ve still got goosebumps.” The sense of his true joy was tangible. It made me feel better about myself. This was working out.
“Anyways, here ya go.” The bum handed me the bottle.
Now for real, this was the first time I had something regarded as contraband in my actual, true possession.
“Thanks for the tip, kid. Anytime you need me, I’m around.”
I tucked the bottle under my shirt and walked back to the pier with a smile and the beginnings of a strut. I didn’t want to make any money on this, I just wanted to be in with Dracula.
When I got back, I saw Renaldo balancing four nacho orders and two slush puppies in his arms.
“You got it? Told you.”
“Yeah!” I said, flashing the bag.
“Better get your ass up there, man. He is pissed.”
I walked up the ramp where Dracula was talking up a demonic nun and a zombie girl.
“There you are, Jesus!” he snarled.
“Hey.” I thought this was going to go way better.
“You got the booze?”
“Yeah, here you go.”
Dracula took the brown wrapper off the bottle.
“Oh, what the fuck?! Ancient Age? This is the cheapest fucking whiskey there is. I told you Drac drinks the Jack.”
I didn’t know what to say.
“You want me to go blind? Where are the rubs?”
I pulled the condoms out of my pocket and hoped for a better reaction.
“Un-lubricated?!?! You stupid fuck, these are going to rip my pubes out!”
“Uh, sorry.”
“You’re a shitty nacho bitch. Where’s the change?”
“I don’t have it.”
“What? Don’t try that shit on me. There should be plenty since you bought the world’s crappiest everything.”
“I had to give it to a bum to get the whiskey.”
“Bullshit. Empty your pockets.”
I fell under Dracula’s command and pulled out the change I had made all afternoon.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought, you liar.”
Renaldo had been watching from a picnic table over.
“Leave him alone, he got you the stuff. That’s his money from before.”
“Shut up, you beaner. I’ll get you banned from here so quick you’ll have to go pick strawberries.”
Renaldo fumed and held his anger in. It was true, Dracula had the most pull at the Castle.
“Come on, lighten
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