I’m embarrassed and mad and I feel like a fool. Again, all these people know something really important about you that I don’t know. If I’m so important, how is it that you couldn’t tell me the most important thing going on it your life?”
I wish, so much, that I was there with her. That I could take her hand and kiss her face and hold her close, that I could make her listen. “I gave you hints. I just wanted to find out if I could even do it, and then I was going to tell you.”
Her eyelids fall, covering her expression. After a minute, she looks up. “I can’t trust you to be real with me. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I forgave you for lying about the parole, but—“ She shakes her head. “A relationship is about intimacy, about sharing who you are with someone else. You want everything I have and you’ll only give me those parts of you that you think look good.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No. You know how it was in my family. I told you that. It’s hard to open up.”
“But Tyler, going back to snowboarding is not like getting a new job. You went to a new city on a different continent and poured yourself into something that was very, very important to you, maybe even sacred , and you didn’t tell me about it.”
“When you put it like that, I get why you’re mad.” I touch her face, her mouth, on the screen. “I’m really sorry, Jess.”
“I need some time to think about this. I’m so tired I could fall over right now, and it’s hard to make good decisions when you don’t have a brain, but I am very upset with you. I don’t want to give you my whole heart, and have you give me the left ventricle of yours.”
I laugh. She smiles, reluctantly.
“Can we just talk?” I ask.
“No.” Her smile fades. “I am in New Zealand because you kept something from me before. Now you’ve done it again, and I am not sure that we should keep going. I’m not sure you can reveal yourself with anybody, and if that’s true, I’m going to be lonely forever.”
My lungs go airless. “Jess! I can’t believe you’re so upset. Can I please just tell you about today?”
“There’s not context, is there? I haven’t been in on the struggle. You’re just going to tell me about a good day. Well, hooray.” A tear drips from the corner of her eye. “I just need a little time.”
“This is about Kaleb, isn’t it?”
Her eyes narrow. “No, not really. But if you want the truth, he’s pretty open. We share a lot, talk a lot, and it feels good. Maybe that’s part of why I’m so upset about this.”
Immediately, I regret the outburst. “Jess,” I say, quietly. “Please give me another chance. I’m sorry. Genuinely, deeply sorry.”
“A few days won’t make or break us, Tyler, and if they do, maybe we need to be broken.” She swallows. “I do care about you, but I don’t want to wreck everything on a guy who can’t be real with me.” Her clear old-soul eyes are full of sadness, but also something else. Strength? Pride? “I have to show up for myself, you know? And right now that means I need some time to think.”
“I can’t believe this is happening.”
“Think about it in reverse, Tyler. What if I hadn’t told you I was cast in a commercial and was having this big adventure and I was doing it with a friend of the opposite sex, and then you saw a picture of me with him?”
“You’re right!” I burst out, hands in the air. “I was wrong. You’re right. Can we just start over?”
She shaking her head. “I have to go. I’ll email you in a few days.”
“Jess—!”
But her face is gone.
For long silent moments, I stare at the blue screen, feeling a buzz all through my body that makes me want to smash something, throw something. Half of me wants to call her back, and keep calling until she’ll listen, but she’s had enough of crazy town, and maybe I have, too.
I press my hands over my eyes and let go of a roar of
I wish, so much, that I was there with her. That I could take her hand and kiss her face and hold her close, that I could make her listen. “I gave you hints. I just wanted to find out if I could even do it, and then I was going to tell you.”
Her eyelids fall, covering her expression. After a minute, she looks up. “I can’t trust you to be real with me. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I forgave you for lying about the parole, but—“ She shakes her head. “A relationship is about intimacy, about sharing who you are with someone else. You want everything I have and you’ll only give me those parts of you that you think look good.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No. You know how it was in my family. I told you that. It’s hard to open up.”
“But Tyler, going back to snowboarding is not like getting a new job. You went to a new city on a different continent and poured yourself into something that was very, very important to you, maybe even sacred , and you didn’t tell me about it.”
“When you put it like that, I get why you’re mad.” I touch her face, her mouth, on the screen. “I’m really sorry, Jess.”
“I need some time to think about this. I’m so tired I could fall over right now, and it’s hard to make good decisions when you don’t have a brain, but I am very upset with you. I don’t want to give you my whole heart, and have you give me the left ventricle of yours.”
I laugh. She smiles, reluctantly.
“Can we just talk?” I ask.
“No.” Her smile fades. “I am in New Zealand because you kept something from me before. Now you’ve done it again, and I am not sure that we should keep going. I’m not sure you can reveal yourself with anybody, and if that’s true, I’m going to be lonely forever.”
My lungs go airless. “Jess! I can’t believe you’re so upset. Can I please just tell you about today?”
“There’s not context, is there? I haven’t been in on the struggle. You’re just going to tell me about a good day. Well, hooray.” A tear drips from the corner of her eye. “I just need a little time.”
“This is about Kaleb, isn’t it?”
Her eyes narrow. “No, not really. But if you want the truth, he’s pretty open. We share a lot, talk a lot, and it feels good. Maybe that’s part of why I’m so upset about this.”
Immediately, I regret the outburst. “Jess,” I say, quietly. “Please give me another chance. I’m sorry. Genuinely, deeply sorry.”
“A few days won’t make or break us, Tyler, and if they do, maybe we need to be broken.” She swallows. “I do care about you, but I don’t want to wreck everything on a guy who can’t be real with me.” Her clear old-soul eyes are full of sadness, but also something else. Strength? Pride? “I have to show up for myself, you know? And right now that means I need some time to think.”
“I can’t believe this is happening.”
“Think about it in reverse, Tyler. What if I hadn’t told you I was cast in a commercial and was having this big adventure and I was doing it with a friend of the opposite sex, and then you saw a picture of me with him?”
“You’re right!” I burst out, hands in the air. “I was wrong. You’re right. Can we just start over?”
She shaking her head. “I have to go. I’ll email you in a few days.”
“Jess—!”
But her face is gone.
For long silent moments, I stare at the blue screen, feeling a buzz all through my body that makes me want to smash something, throw something. Half of me wants to call her back, and keep calling until she’ll listen, but she’s had enough of crazy town, and maybe I have, too.
I press my hands over my eyes and let go of a roar of
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