online the past two days.
Nothing from Jess, but I get it.
I send her an email. It’s ten am there and she said she had the day off. The earlier email came in at 8 am her time. Jess, she’s my coach, that’s all. Can we Skype? Are you there?
As I wait for a reply, I google my name to see if anything else has shown up. There are a couple of speculations that I’m back to training, but both reference the same photo. Nothing else. Some of the tension flows out of me, and honestly, I’m still so high from that last run it seems impossible anything could really go wrong.
I’m packing frozen peas around my sore left ankle when Skype rings. I answer with a grin. “Hey! Two days in a row!”
She doesn’t smile back. The room behind her is quiet. “What’s going on, Tyler?”
“Nothing, Jess. Alice is my coach.”
“For snowboarding?” She gives me a perplexed little frown. “You’re riding again?”
“That’s the surprise!” I nod, but it’s hard to keep from grinning. “I am! The judge ordered it, can you believe it? He rides, I guess and watches the players, and he knew my name. He ordered me to make a bid for the Olympic team.”
“Wow, that’s amazing. That’s huge, actually.” She leans in. A frown creases her forehead, and I see something in her eyes that’s unsettling. Dismay. Disappointment, maybe. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know, Jess.” I find that my foot is wiggling, maybe picking up on something I’m too clueless to get. A soft pop of worry releases a bubble of acid in my gut. “I was afraid I’d be totally humiliated. I wanted to see if I had anything left, maybe surprise you with it.”
She nods, those long clear eyes sliding away for a long moment, and then she’s shaking her head. “So, this other person, your friend has been sharing this huge, important moment with you. Right?”
“Well, not really. I just ran into her here. She was training some other people who were going home and offered to give me a hand, to see if she could help me get my groove back.”
Again that nod. I notice that her mouth is sad. “But still, you’ve been sharing this with her.”
I have to admit that it’s true. “I wanted to surprise you, Jess. I wanted to be worthy of you.”
“I don’t need you to be worthy, Tyler, I need you to be real.” She shakes her head. “Lena and all the people at the Musical Spoon knew about your history, that you were on parole, all that stuff you didn’t tell me. I was the only one who didn’t know, and I was supposedly your girlfriend.”
“I was ashamed, Jess.”
“You hid it from me, like pretty dramatically.”
I reach for her face, her precious precious face. “Jess, please, let’s not fight, not when we are so far away. Let me tell you about today, about everything. I had the best ride this afternoon. Like, it was totally there, like I wasn’t sure it would come back.”
Her face is still unsmiling. Hurt maybe. “I feel really left out, Tyler. I told you everything that was happening here.”
“Let me show you everything.” I turn the camera to the room, and walk to the window. “This is the apartment I’ve rented, in Valle Navaro, which is outside of Santiago, Chile.”
“Tyler,” she says, but I can hear what’s in her voice and I keep going.
“This is my board, and my boots and—“
“Tyler, stop it.”
“And this is my little kitchen.”
“I’m going to hang up if you don’t talk to me properly.”
I sink down on the bed, looking into the camera “Don’t, Jess. I love you.”
“You have a funny way of showing it. You don’t trust me at all.”
“What? That’s not true.”
“You aren’t being real with me.” Tears are glittering in her eyes and I’m suddenly really, really afraid. “How can I ever trust you if you never tell me the truth?”
I swallow. “It’s not lying to—“
“To what? Pretend you’re something else? Hide things? That’s what you’ve been doing.
Nothing from Jess, but I get it.
I send her an email. It’s ten am there and she said she had the day off. The earlier email came in at 8 am her time. Jess, she’s my coach, that’s all. Can we Skype? Are you there?
As I wait for a reply, I google my name to see if anything else has shown up. There are a couple of speculations that I’m back to training, but both reference the same photo. Nothing else. Some of the tension flows out of me, and honestly, I’m still so high from that last run it seems impossible anything could really go wrong.
I’m packing frozen peas around my sore left ankle when Skype rings. I answer with a grin. “Hey! Two days in a row!”
She doesn’t smile back. The room behind her is quiet. “What’s going on, Tyler?”
“Nothing, Jess. Alice is my coach.”
“For snowboarding?” She gives me a perplexed little frown. “You’re riding again?”
“That’s the surprise!” I nod, but it’s hard to keep from grinning. “I am! The judge ordered it, can you believe it? He rides, I guess and watches the players, and he knew my name. He ordered me to make a bid for the Olympic team.”
“Wow, that’s amazing. That’s huge, actually.” She leans in. A frown creases her forehead, and I see something in her eyes that’s unsettling. Dismay. Disappointment, maybe. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know, Jess.” I find that my foot is wiggling, maybe picking up on something I’m too clueless to get. A soft pop of worry releases a bubble of acid in my gut. “I was afraid I’d be totally humiliated. I wanted to see if I had anything left, maybe surprise you with it.”
She nods, those long clear eyes sliding away for a long moment, and then she’s shaking her head. “So, this other person, your friend has been sharing this huge, important moment with you. Right?”
“Well, not really. I just ran into her here. She was training some other people who were going home and offered to give me a hand, to see if she could help me get my groove back.”
Again that nod. I notice that her mouth is sad. “But still, you’ve been sharing this with her.”
I have to admit that it’s true. “I wanted to surprise you, Jess. I wanted to be worthy of you.”
“I don’t need you to be worthy, Tyler, I need you to be real.” She shakes her head. “Lena and all the people at the Musical Spoon knew about your history, that you were on parole, all that stuff you didn’t tell me. I was the only one who didn’t know, and I was supposedly your girlfriend.”
“I was ashamed, Jess.”
“You hid it from me, like pretty dramatically.”
I reach for her face, her precious precious face. “Jess, please, let’s not fight, not when we are so far away. Let me tell you about today, about everything. I had the best ride this afternoon. Like, it was totally there, like I wasn’t sure it would come back.”
Her face is still unsmiling. Hurt maybe. “I feel really left out, Tyler. I told you everything that was happening here.”
“Let me show you everything.” I turn the camera to the room, and walk to the window. “This is the apartment I’ve rented, in Valle Navaro, which is outside of Santiago, Chile.”
“Tyler,” she says, but I can hear what’s in her voice and I keep going.
“This is my board, and my boots and—“
“Tyler, stop it.”
“And this is my little kitchen.”
“I’m going to hang up if you don’t talk to me properly.”
I sink down on the bed, looking into the camera “Don’t, Jess. I love you.”
“You have a funny way of showing it. You don’t trust me at all.”
“What? That’s not true.”
“You aren’t being real with me.” Tears are glittering in her eyes and I’m suddenly really, really afraid. “How can I ever trust you if you never tell me the truth?”
I swallow. “It’s not lying to—“
“To what? Pretend you’re something else? Hide things? That’s what you’ve been doing.