Read Online Star Wars on Trial by Keith R. A. DeCandido, David Brin, Tanya Huff, Kristine Kathryn Rusch, Matthew Woodring Stover - Free Book Online
Authors: Keith R. A. DeCandido, David Brin, Tanya Huff, Kristine Kathryn Rusch, Matthew Woodring Stover
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sense.
THE COURTROOM
MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: I object!
DROID JUDGE: What is the problem, Mr. Stover?
MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: That was a lot more than opening comments. For one thing, it was more than 10,000 words. And for another, he essentially offered testimony on the first charge: the politics of Star Wars are anti-democratic and elitist.
DROID JUDGE: Well, that is a fair point. Mr. Brin?
DAVID BRIN: I'm happy to have my comments considered as expert witness testimony on this charge. I believe I've clearly established the anti-democratic and elitist nature of the Star Wars saga. I won't need any additional witnesses on this charge.
DROID JUDGE: Fine, we'll consider Mr. Brin's opening statement as also serving as expert testimony on the first charge.
MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: Excuse me? That was expert testimony? Now, hold on-
DAVID BRIN: Your Honor, I am a recognized expert on the politics of Star Wars. I refer you to my infamous Salon.com article published June 15, 1999-
MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: Recognized by who, the Imperial Sith Show-Trial Fake Certification Committee? Five Kowackian monkey-lizards on a six-day spice-binge? Hey, this reminds me of a joke-a kid, a Jedi and two droids walk into a bar in Mos Eisley-
DROID JUDGE: (severely) Mr. Stover, you are out of order. Mr. Brin's expert credentials have been accepted by this Court. Do you have a formal objection to offer?
MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: Hmp. Well ... if he's the only witness he can find on this charge, it'd be more appropriate to offer sympathy.
(Reaction in the courtroom)
DROID JUDGE: Order! There will be order! Mr. Stover, behave yourself!
MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: Can I at least cross-examine? A question or two, Your Honor.
DROID JUDGE: You may proceed.
MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: (checking his notes) Mr. Brin, in what verse of The Iliad does Achilles slay thousands with a wave of his hand? When I read it, I seem to recall that he actually only fights Trojan heroes (who are hardly disposable extras)-and that each of the Trojans slain by the Greek heroes (and vice versa) is provided by Homer with a capsule biography, specifically referring to details such as his childhood, his homeland and the family that will weep for him-
DROID JUDGE: Mr. Stover, the subject at hand is the politics of Star Wars.
MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: Yes, Your Honor. Sorry-it's just that all his drivel about flattering the Power Structure doesn't make sense, when Agamemnon comes off as an indecisive blowhard and Menelaos as a cuckolded weakling, Odysseus reads as a conniving bully, and Achilles is a pouting ambiguously gay whiner who lets his "special friend" get killed borrowing his favorite outfit-
DROID JUDGE: Mr. Stover, you will confine yourself to-
MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: Yes, sorry, Your Honor, it won't happen again. Very soon.
DROIDJUDGE: Do you actually have any questions specifically relating to the politics of Star Wars?
MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: In a backhanded way, Your Honor; since Mr. Brin's criticism of the politics of Star Wars comes by way of unflattering comparisons with works and authors he considers to be politically more palatable, I suppose I would ask him if Jules Verne's most famous creation, Captain Nemo, is not precisely the kind of "superhero" he derides? If, in fact, the vast majority of the protagonists of Robert A. Heinlein's novels don't fall into that category? If H. G. Wells's most famous novel, The War of the Worlds, does not present the absolute failure of democratic society to respond to a threat, requiring a deus ex machina to save the human race? If Mr. Wells's other legendary novel, The Time Machine, could not be fairly described as unconscionably racist in a biology-as-destiny sense? If the countless German soldiers disposed of by Mr. Spielberg's heroes in the process of Saving Private Ryan are any more than "slaughtered victims ... mere minions, after all. Extras, without families or hopes to worry about shattering.
THE COURTROOM
MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: I object!
DROID JUDGE: What is the problem, Mr. Stover?
MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: That was a lot more than opening comments. For one thing, it was more than 10,000 words. And for another, he essentially offered testimony on the first charge: the politics of Star Wars are anti-democratic and elitist.
DROID JUDGE: Well, that is a fair point. Mr. Brin?
DAVID BRIN: I'm happy to have my comments considered as expert witness testimony on this charge. I believe I've clearly established the anti-democratic and elitist nature of the Star Wars saga. I won't need any additional witnesses on this charge.
DROID JUDGE: Fine, we'll consider Mr. Brin's opening statement as also serving as expert testimony on the first charge.
MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: Excuse me? That was expert testimony? Now, hold on-
DAVID BRIN: Your Honor, I am a recognized expert on the politics of Star Wars. I refer you to my infamous Salon.com article published June 15, 1999-
MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: Recognized by who, the Imperial Sith Show-Trial Fake Certification Committee? Five Kowackian monkey-lizards on a six-day spice-binge? Hey, this reminds me of a joke-a kid, a Jedi and two droids walk into a bar in Mos Eisley-
DROID JUDGE: (severely) Mr. Stover, you are out of order. Mr. Brin's expert credentials have been accepted by this Court. Do you have a formal objection to offer?
MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: Hmp. Well ... if he's the only witness he can find on this charge, it'd be more appropriate to offer sympathy.
(Reaction in the courtroom)
DROID JUDGE: Order! There will be order! Mr. Stover, behave yourself!
MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: Can I at least cross-examine? A question or two, Your Honor.
DROID JUDGE: You may proceed.
MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: (checking his notes) Mr. Brin, in what verse of The Iliad does Achilles slay thousands with a wave of his hand? When I read it, I seem to recall that he actually only fights Trojan heroes (who are hardly disposable extras)-and that each of the Trojans slain by the Greek heroes (and vice versa) is provided by Homer with a capsule biography, specifically referring to details such as his childhood, his homeland and the family that will weep for him-
DROID JUDGE: Mr. Stover, the subject at hand is the politics of Star Wars.
MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: Yes, Your Honor. Sorry-it's just that all his drivel about flattering the Power Structure doesn't make sense, when Agamemnon comes off as an indecisive blowhard and Menelaos as a cuckolded weakling, Odysseus reads as a conniving bully, and Achilles is a pouting ambiguously gay whiner who lets his "special friend" get killed borrowing his favorite outfit-
DROID JUDGE: Mr. Stover, you will confine yourself to-
MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: Yes, sorry, Your Honor, it won't happen again. Very soon.
DROIDJUDGE: Do you actually have any questions specifically relating to the politics of Star Wars?
MATTHEW WOODRING STOVER: In a backhanded way, Your Honor; since Mr. Brin's criticism of the politics of Star Wars comes by way of unflattering comparisons with works and authors he considers to be politically more palatable, I suppose I would ask him if Jules Verne's most famous creation, Captain Nemo, is not precisely the kind of "superhero" he derides? If, in fact, the vast majority of the protagonists of Robert A. Heinlein's novels don't fall into that category? If H. G. Wells's most famous novel, The War of the Worlds, does not present the absolute failure of democratic society to respond to a threat, requiring a deus ex machina to save the human race? If Mr. Wells's other legendary novel, The Time Machine, could not be fairly described as unconscionably racist in a biology-as-destiny sense? If the countless German soldiers disposed of by Mr. Spielberg's heroes in the process of Saving Private Ryan are any more than "slaughtered victims ... mere minions, after all. Extras, without families or hopes to worry about shattering.
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