Read Online Stages of Grace by Carey Heywood - Free Book Online Page A

him. I no longer feel like my head will be bitten off out of nowhere but we do not feel like a couple either. We still sleep in the same bed, but we go to sleep at different times, so we aren’t ever both in bed and awake at the same time. Even around the apartment we seem to gravitate away from each other. I wonder if the only reason Jon is even still there is because he has nowhere else to go. That’s not true, though. He could always move back home or since Jon has always been everyone's best friend he probably has plenty of people that would let him stay with them. What is keeping him here? Is it me?
    I am not sure if I love him anymore. I am also sure that we will never go back to what we were. Too much has happened since then. Depending on my mood, I consider asking him to leave, but the idea of being all alone scares me. We have been together for over three years, and most of that had been good. I drive back and forth from work trying to decide what to do over and over again. I imagine the freedom of no longer supporting Jon, of being single again. What stops me is basically how unconfrontational I am. Those blow-ups with Jon had been nurtured within me for a year.
    I had finally admitted I was angry and wasn’t going to allow Jon to kick me around anymore. Considering how long it finally took me to stand up for myself, how long will it take me to build up the courage to ask him to leave? We basically ignore the holidays this year. No decorations, no parties, no gifts. I am thrilled when it’s all over. It’s pointless to pretend to be happy. But if I’m not going to leave Jon, this will be my new life. I don’t want to spend the rest of my days like this but am hesitant about changing anything. I keep most of what I am feeling inside. Some days I feel really nostalgic, reminiscing over happier days. This feeling u sually goes one of two ways; sadness over what we have lost and anger that we allowed it to happen in the first place.
    It’s so strange to look at Jon when I think about the days I was so madly in love with him. I still remember so vividly how just the sight of him could make my heart beat wildly in my chest. It is so different now when I look at him. Jon is softer around the waist. Sitting around the apartment did that to him. He never smiles anymore, and his eyes, which had once been so captivating, are dull now. Sometimes I try to imagine the last year from his perspective. I can just never understand why if he had been hurting emotionally instead of coming to me for help he had chosen to instead intimidate me.
    It’s difficult for me to feel sympathetic towards him when his cruel actions and indifference are still so fresh in my mind. I cannot imagine him touching me romantically again. One day we are both in the kitchen at the same time, and his hand accidentally almost brushes against mine. I jerk my hand back and clutch it to my chest as though the contact had burned me. I do not feel sorrow when I see his wounded reaction. He made me this way. Jon keeps a careful distance after that.
    Jon applies for jobs with renewed vigor. I had been certain for so long that he would never find something that it comes as a shock to me when he does. The pay is much less than the job he had lost, but in this economy, he considers himself lucky to have gotten it at all. He works in a warehouse stocking long haul trucks for delivery. This job is very different from the white collar jobs he is used to. The perks are that it’s located on a bus line so it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t have a car, and he only really needs to buy a pair of sturdy steel-toed boots. The other clothes he has are fine.
    Our morning routine ends up being similar to what it was in the past. Instead of walking over to kiss him in the morning to let him know the shower is free, I just shout it. Jon breaks out the coffee machine for a couple of cups in the morning. Somehow I can't really drink it anymore, I can't go back to how we