me. He tilted his hips slightly forward, and for the first time I felt his erection, hard and long, pushing at me through both our jeans.
One day in Sex Group, Ted had us draw our feelings about sex on the blackboard. Rawlene drew a wedding cake over in the corner. Laura drew a young girl standing alone in outer space, with her hair falling over her whole face except for her chin, which bore a large squirting zit. Alan from Upper Boys sketched the Pentagon in winter: two rotund snowmen guarding either side. Ted drew a pair of holding hands. Eddie made a drawing of a naked couple copulating right in the middle of the board. I drew outlines of hearts in all the free spaces. Suzie Zuckerman just scribbled.
When we were through, we sat in a circle on the floor.
Eddie said, ‘I want to ask Kate what all those fucking stupid little outlines of hearts are supposed to mean. Like, I was wondering if she has some kind of problem or something, you know?’
I rolled my eyes. What a jerk.
Rawlene stuck her chin out and spat, ‘What are you, some kind o’asshole, Edward?’
Ted shook his head. ‘Eddie, I’d like to understand your feelings about Kate’s drawings. But I’d also like to point out that what you just said was not only a value judgement, but unkind.’
Eddie shrugged. ‘So?’
From Laura’s usually silent spot in the group came a sob. Rivulets of mascara ran down her pale face. ‘I wish everyone would leave Kate alone!’ she said. ‘She has enough problems!’
‘Bitch,’ Eddie said.
‘I hate you, Eddie!’ Laura said.
Ted observed the exchange with interest, but didn’t say a word.
Finally Eddie just came out and said what was on hismind. ‘Patrick wouldn’t be so frustrated if Kate wasn’t such a prig.’
I was furious. Eddie was a slanderer; he didn’t have any idea what he was talking about. ‘Patrick never pressures me!’ I said. ‘He’s never even asked me to sleep with him!’
Eddie’s chubby face pinched up like a nasty prune. ‘He shouldn’t have to ask,’ he said.
That’s enough,’ Ted said. ‘Kate, how do you feel right now?’
I felt lousy. I was dying to curse Eddie out, but then I would have gotten into trouble. So I said, ‘I guess Patrick is a little horny.’
‘Has he expressed it to you?’
I nodded.
‘How?’
My eyes went to Eddie, who gloated mercilessly. My mind ran through possible answers, ranging from truth to diplomacy to lies.
I said, ‘I could just feel it.’ Literally, the truth.
Another truth: I didn’t want to have sex — I wasn’t ready — but it didn’t take long for my innocence to shame me. I should have been proud of it — I could have, were it not for Grove. The place said NO while the kids said YES and my insides whirled I DON’T KNOW I DON’T KNOW I DON’T KNOW. I must have been the only virgin in the whole school. Pressure was on from every corner: Silvera, Eddie, Patrick, Gwen. To them, talk of sex was routine; to me, it was baffling and threatening and I would have preferred the safest sex available, which, as they now say, is no sex at all. But I couldn’t avoid it anymore; they wouldn’t let me.
SIX
I t was all around me. In Gwen’s rain boot, in Eddie’s dreams, in Patrick’s memory, in Dad’s new life. When Thanksgiving rolled around, I had to face it.
Sex.
Dad had a girl — not me, but a young woman who was his lover. They lived together, shared a bed; she was making the turkey this year. I didn’t want to go, but they said I had to. The deal was Thanksgiving with Dad and Christmas with Mom. Mom’s was the more important holiday — Christmas and Hannukah and New Year’s Eve rolled into one — and I wanted to spend it with her. I had to give Dad something.
I invited Patrick to come with me for Thanksgiving, to guard and teach me. I had to grow up fast now, to learn about worlds I was entering without plan or warning, conquer the rules, defend myself.
Gwen was going to an aunt’s in northern New
One day in Sex Group, Ted had us draw our feelings about sex on the blackboard. Rawlene drew a wedding cake over in the corner. Laura drew a young girl standing alone in outer space, with her hair falling over her whole face except for her chin, which bore a large squirting zit. Alan from Upper Boys sketched the Pentagon in winter: two rotund snowmen guarding either side. Ted drew a pair of holding hands. Eddie made a drawing of a naked couple copulating right in the middle of the board. I drew outlines of hearts in all the free spaces. Suzie Zuckerman just scribbled.
When we were through, we sat in a circle on the floor.
Eddie said, ‘I want to ask Kate what all those fucking stupid little outlines of hearts are supposed to mean. Like, I was wondering if she has some kind of problem or something, you know?’
I rolled my eyes. What a jerk.
Rawlene stuck her chin out and spat, ‘What are you, some kind o’asshole, Edward?’
Ted shook his head. ‘Eddie, I’d like to understand your feelings about Kate’s drawings. But I’d also like to point out that what you just said was not only a value judgement, but unkind.’
Eddie shrugged. ‘So?’
From Laura’s usually silent spot in the group came a sob. Rivulets of mascara ran down her pale face. ‘I wish everyone would leave Kate alone!’ she said. ‘She has enough problems!’
‘Bitch,’ Eddie said.
‘I hate you, Eddie!’ Laura said.
Ted observed the exchange with interest, but didn’t say a word.
Finally Eddie just came out and said what was on hismind. ‘Patrick wouldn’t be so frustrated if Kate wasn’t such a prig.’
I was furious. Eddie was a slanderer; he didn’t have any idea what he was talking about. ‘Patrick never pressures me!’ I said. ‘He’s never even asked me to sleep with him!’
Eddie’s chubby face pinched up like a nasty prune. ‘He shouldn’t have to ask,’ he said.
That’s enough,’ Ted said. ‘Kate, how do you feel right now?’
I felt lousy. I was dying to curse Eddie out, but then I would have gotten into trouble. So I said, ‘I guess Patrick is a little horny.’
‘Has he expressed it to you?’
I nodded.
‘How?’
My eyes went to Eddie, who gloated mercilessly. My mind ran through possible answers, ranging from truth to diplomacy to lies.
I said, ‘I could just feel it.’ Literally, the truth.
Another truth: I didn’t want to have sex — I wasn’t ready — but it didn’t take long for my innocence to shame me. I should have been proud of it — I could have, were it not for Grove. The place said NO while the kids said YES and my insides whirled I DON’T KNOW I DON’T KNOW I DON’T KNOW. I must have been the only virgin in the whole school. Pressure was on from every corner: Silvera, Eddie, Patrick, Gwen. To them, talk of sex was routine; to me, it was baffling and threatening and I would have preferred the safest sex available, which, as they now say, is no sex at all. But I couldn’t avoid it anymore; they wouldn’t let me.
SIX
I t was all around me. In Gwen’s rain boot, in Eddie’s dreams, in Patrick’s memory, in Dad’s new life. When Thanksgiving rolled around, I had to face it.
Sex.
Dad had a girl — not me, but a young woman who was his lover. They lived together, shared a bed; she was making the turkey this year. I didn’t want to go, but they said I had to. The deal was Thanksgiving with Dad and Christmas with Mom. Mom’s was the more important holiday — Christmas and Hannukah and New Year’s Eve rolled into one — and I wanted to spend it with her. I had to give Dad something.
I invited Patrick to come with me for Thanksgiving, to guard and teach me. I had to grow up fast now, to learn about worlds I was entering without plan or warning, conquer the rules, defend myself.
Gwen was going to an aunt’s in northern New
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