Read Online Somewhere Only We Know ....... by Leanne Burn - Free Book Online Page B

ago, I
didn ’ t deserve to be
happy.
    I had never
told Keith about the abortion. To be honest when we first got
together I think he thought I was just short of being a virgin. I
was so afraid of the whole sex thing, shy and timid. I
didn ’ t think to tell him
anything different. So now how would I be able to tell him what I
had done? I didn ’ t have to,
I thought. So I didn ’ t.
    When he got in from work that night, for
once sober, I sat him down and told him the news. He was over the
moon. He was like a child at Christmas. This is going to be all
right I thought to myself. This will settle him down and make a man
of him.
    And it did, in some ways. He fussed around
me making sure that I always rested and ate properly and he helped
around the house. But when it came to scans and things he let me
down. He would always say he would meet me at the doctors or at the
hospital but he would never show up. I did it all on my own. He
always apologised afterwards saying he was stuck here or caught up
there, but it kept happening.
    The rest of the family were great, me and my
mam and Granny went out shopping for baby things and as I got
bigger the nights when Keith was away I would go and stay with one
of them.
    Keith still
got drunk, but I told him from the start that sex was off limits
and he seemed to accept that. On his sober nights he
wouldn ’ t bother me, but I
would often be woken up with him wanking himself off beside
me.
    I
didn ’ t enjoy the pregnancy.
It was frightening. All the way through I thought that the baby
would die, or that when it was born it would have some kind of
deformity. Why did I deserve to have a beautiful healthy baby? I
was a bad person.
    My due date came and went. Everyone was on
red alert. I did all the old wives tricks to get me going but
nothing happened.
    Eventually I was admitted into hospital to
be started off. 72 hours later, battered and bruised from his
ordeal, Thomas was born and he was the most perfect thing I had
ever seen. I thanked God over and over and over again. How did I
deserve this?
    We returned home and the house was full of
flowers and cards and gifts. My mam and Granny were on hand to help
and family, friends and colleagues from work all called to have a
look at my lovely Thomas.
    Keith was a
doting dad, well he was when he had an audience. When there was
just the three of us he mostly ignored Thomas. He
didn ’ t change him or bath
him in fact he didn ’ t really
touch him.
    Because of
Keith ’ s neglect of Thomas I
lavished even more affection him. He was a good baby, he ate and
slept well. My mam and dad doted on him and he gave my Granny a new
lease of life.
    When my
maternity leave ended I could only have Thomas looked after 3 days
a week by the child-minder, my Granny offered to have him the other
two. She was amazing, she was almost 80 years old and she coped
with Thomas like a woman half her age would.
    Going back
to work was hard, but needs must and after the initial parting
every morning I settled back into routine. Thomas was well cared
for and loved and I wasn ’ t
far away if I was needed.
    Things
didn ’ t improve with Keith.
If I didn ’ t know better I
would have thought that he was jealous of Thomas. He spent nights
away from home, he schemed and he drank. With
Thomas ’ s arrival I looked at
Keith with new eyes. He was still gorgeous and he was charming and
he seemed to work hard for us, but he was also childish and
irresponsible, he let us down constantly. He fritted away his wages
away and any money he gave me towards bills would be withdrawn over
the course of the month from our joint account. I still had sole
responsibility for keeping a roof over our heads and feeding us
all.
    While I had
been attending anti-natal classes at the doctors, I had struck up a
really good friendship with Scarlett. Her baby was due within days
of Thomas and as it turned out her baby, Charlotte was born 2 weeks
earlier than mine. We stayed friends after the babies