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Authors: Leanne Burn
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fucking a hole. I was
devastated.
The
following morning I didn ’ t
know what to say. Keith said nothing, it was as if it
didn ’ t happen.
I put the
incident mentally into a box, along with the other things I
didn ’ t want to think about
and put it into cupboard that stored anything that hurt
me.
Keith ’ s behaviour
continued to deteriorate. The nights out, the drinking, the wasting
of money. I could never quite shake off the feeling that he was up
to something, there were always plenty of girls in his circle of
workmates and I knew some of these girls went to meetings and
training courses down the country with him.
He came in
late one night from work, he had been drinking and as he brushed
past me in the kitchen I got a strong whiff of White Linen perfume.
All my doubts and insecurities came bubbling to the surface and
before I could stop myself I turned around to him and said
Keith “ are you seeing
someone else? “ I
didn ’ t see it coming he
cracked me across the head and as I reeled from it he grabbed me by
the arms and pinned me against the kitchen cupboards. “ You stupid fucking
bitch ” he said, his breath
reeked and he was spitting at me as he spoke, “ you are fucking
mental ” .
I slumped to
the floor as he stormed out of the kitchen and went to bed. I sat
on the floor for ages, tears pouring down my face. He
hadn ’ t particularly hurt me
it was more fright. What was happening to us?
Baby Love
I should
have left then, it wasn ’ t as
if it was the first time he had turned on me, but I had nowhere to
go. I couldn ’ t go to my mam
and dad ’ s, they now had an
all right relationship with Keith and I
didn ’ t want to put that into
jeopardy. I could have went to my
Granny ’ s but I
didn ’ t want to drag her into
my mess either. So I stayed. I slept on the settee again, well
slept was stretching it. I lay on the settee. I should never have
said anything, I knew he had had a drink and still I opened my
mouth. I had pushed him to do this, if I had just said nothing none
of this would have happened.
So the next morning it was same old same
old, breakfast, strip bed, washer on, dress for work and all the
time neither me or Keith mentioned what had happened, it was like
it never had. But the bruises on my arms proved it had.
To the outside world we looked like any
other young couple. I wore my smile like a mask, the actress was
back. But when the mask slipped behind closed doors I was sad,
insecure and scared, once again I was on my own. When Keith came in
drunk I kept my mouth shut, I gave in to his sex demands and on
sober nights when I said no to sex, I tolerated his night time
behaviour.
I started to
lose weight. Whenever I ate something I threw it back up and I felt
awful all of the time. I booked an appointment at the doctors and
when they asked if I was worried about anything I said that
everything was fine. The doctor thought I might have depression and
ordered some tests to eliminate any underlying cause, before I was
prescribed anything. When they called me back for the results, the
reason behind it all was shocking, I was pregnant again.
Keith and me
had never really thought about starting a family, I had gone on to
the pill shortly after we got together and though it was always
going to happen at some point, it seemed a thing we would do
sometime in the future. I was only 23 and Keith was 21 and to be
honest Keith was already the baby in the relationship and if we
were ever going to be parents I would have to wait for him to grow
up. But here I was, pregnant again, married to a man I
didn ’ t completely trust and
I was terrified. I had still continued to have periods so the
doctor recommended an early scan to determine dates and the wheels
were set in motion for midwife appointments, excitement bubbled
inside of me, but as quick as it did a wave of guilt washed over
me. How could I dare be excited and want this baby when I have
murdered my other baby all those years
devastated.
The
following morning I didn ’ t
know what to say. Keith said nothing, it was as if it
didn ’ t happen.
I put the
incident mentally into a box, along with the other things I
didn ’ t want to think about
and put it into cupboard that stored anything that hurt
me.
Keith ’ s behaviour
continued to deteriorate. The nights out, the drinking, the wasting
of money. I could never quite shake off the feeling that he was up
to something, there were always plenty of girls in his circle of
workmates and I knew some of these girls went to meetings and
training courses down the country with him.
He came in
late one night from work, he had been drinking and as he brushed
past me in the kitchen I got a strong whiff of White Linen perfume.
All my doubts and insecurities came bubbling to the surface and
before I could stop myself I turned around to him and said
Keith “ are you seeing
someone else? “ I
didn ’ t see it coming he
cracked me across the head and as I reeled from it he grabbed me by
the arms and pinned me against the kitchen cupboards. “ You stupid fucking
bitch ” he said, his breath
reeked and he was spitting at me as he spoke, “ you are fucking
mental ” .
I slumped to
the floor as he stormed out of the kitchen and went to bed. I sat
on the floor for ages, tears pouring down my face. He
hadn ’ t particularly hurt me
it was more fright. What was happening to us?
Baby Love
I should
have left then, it wasn ’ t as
if it was the first time he had turned on me, but I had nowhere to
go. I couldn ’ t go to my mam
and dad ’ s, they now had an
all right relationship with Keith and I
didn ’ t want to put that into
jeopardy. I could have went to my
Granny ’ s but I
didn ’ t want to drag her into
my mess either. So I stayed. I slept on the settee again, well
slept was stretching it. I lay on the settee. I should never have
said anything, I knew he had had a drink and still I opened my
mouth. I had pushed him to do this, if I had just said nothing none
of this would have happened.
So the next morning it was same old same
old, breakfast, strip bed, washer on, dress for work and all the
time neither me or Keith mentioned what had happened, it was like
it never had. But the bruises on my arms proved it had.
To the outside world we looked like any
other young couple. I wore my smile like a mask, the actress was
back. But when the mask slipped behind closed doors I was sad,
insecure and scared, once again I was on my own. When Keith came in
drunk I kept my mouth shut, I gave in to his sex demands and on
sober nights when I said no to sex, I tolerated his night time
behaviour.
I started to
lose weight. Whenever I ate something I threw it back up and I felt
awful all of the time. I booked an appointment at the doctors and
when they asked if I was worried about anything I said that
everything was fine. The doctor thought I might have depression and
ordered some tests to eliminate any underlying cause, before I was
prescribed anything. When they called me back for the results, the
reason behind it all was shocking, I was pregnant again.
Keith and me
had never really thought about starting a family, I had gone on to
the pill shortly after we got together and though it was always
going to happen at some point, it seemed a thing we would do
sometime in the future. I was only 23 and Keith was 21 and to be
honest Keith was already the baby in the relationship and if we
were ever going to be parents I would have to wait for him to grow
up. But here I was, pregnant again, married to a man I
didn ’ t completely trust and
I was terrified. I had still continued to have periods so the
doctor recommended an early scan to determine dates and the wheels
were set in motion for midwife appointments, excitement bubbled
inside of me, but as quick as it did a wave of guilt washed over
me. How could I dare be excited and want this baby when I have
murdered my other baby all those years
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