Read Online Sometimes Never, Sometimes Always by Elissa Janine Hoole - Free Book Online Page A

she says. She keeps her hands over her face, hiding her eyes, but she’s not wallowing in it; I can see her pulling herself together, piece by piece, like a jigsaw puzzle of poise. She lowers her hands and waves them in front of her face in little motions, as though the air in front of her is the source of her discomfort. Onion fumes, maybe. “I’m so sorry, Cass. I didn’t mean to lose it like that. Really, I’m all right.” Her thin mouth pulls into that smile again, a stick-figure line-smile that couldn’t fool anyone.
    “Mom, I don’t know anything about this, really.” And I don’t, either. I have no details to report about Eric’s sex life, or lack of one. That’s between him and Gavin and doesn’t need to involve anyone else’s opinion, no matter what my family’s church might say. I’m not sure if Eric is cool with God on this score, but personally I can’t put faith in an unconditionally loving God condemning people for loving. Allegedly.
    “I can’t wrap my mind around why he would be disgracing himself like this.” She dabs at the corners of her eyes with an index finger wrapped in the edge of her sleeve. I see the black mascara stain spread across the fabric in a little pool of saltwater. “Not to mention the poor girl.” She looks up at me, wounded. “He hasn’t even introduced us to her,” she says.
    “Well, you know Eric. He plays his cards close to his chest,” I say. It’s true, but she doesn’t know how true, and I don’t really want to tell her.
    “But this is too close. What do you think, Cass? Should I have Dad talk to him? Or maybe if I say something to Gavin, do you think? Eric respects him, and even though Gavin isn’t saved, I know he’s an honorable young man. I’m sure he would talk some sense into Eric, if I could figure out a way to speak to him about it.”
    I shake my head. “No, Mom. Don’t embarrass him by talking to his best friend about something like this. What if Eric was … you know. Experimenting, like. With … ” Oh, god. This is too much. She stares at me without any glimmer of understanding in her eyes. My face heats up again.
    “Experimenting?” She presses her lips together, and her eyes grow so liquid and fragile I can barely continue.
    “You know. Like with himself.” Okay, so this might be the most embarrassing moment of my entire life. I’m explaining masturbation to my mother. She may as well not even be human, and I may as well be dead.
    Her voice is small and uncertain. “Oh.” A frown, her eyes on her hands in her lap, twisting and twisting the band on her left ring finger. “Ohhh.” She looks up, and her face is pink, too, but hopeful. “Do you think that could be it, really? Will you pray with me, Cassandra? Pray for strength for Eric and for guidance for me, as his parent?”
    I squirm. She only knows that I’m uncomfortable praying in front of other people; I wonder if she suspects that I don’t pray at all, if she speculates about what is or isn’t in my heart. I’ve never really tried to tell either of my parents what I think—it seems like words better off left unsaid. Someday, when I’m an adult with my own place, won’t they realize that I’ve got different ideas about what to do with my Sunday mornings? It doesn’t have to be a big thing, a big conflict. We can go our separate ways, that’s all. Later, once I’m out of this town.
    “ You can pray, if you want,” I say. I think it’s easier to keep the peace, mostly.
    “Jesus, in your glorious name, we thank you for the many blessings you bring into our lives. Our children, each one of them a gift so precious. Help them, Lord, as they face the many temptations of this carnal world, and please be with me as I try so hard to interpret your will for them and guide them along the path to righteousness.”
    She ends the prayer and squeezes my hand, and I can’t help it. For a moment, I’m awash in this awful sort of rueful sadness. It prickles up out of my