Read Online Something rotten by Jasper Fforde - Free Book Online Page B

the Whig Party have been looking at the Terrible Things problem and propose a zero-tolerance attitude to offenses as low as Mildly Inappropriate. Only in this way can the Somebodies who commit Terrible Things be stopped before they move on to acts that are Obscenely Perverse.”
    There was a smattering of applause again, presumably as the audience tried to figure out whether “Just Annoying” was worse than “Mildly Inappropriate.”
    “Succinctly put,” announced Webastow. “At the end of the first round, I will award three points to Mr. Kaine for an excellent nonspecific condemnation, plus one bonus point for blaming the previous government and another for successfully mutating the question to promote the party line. Mr. van de Poste gets a point for a firm rebuttal, but only two points for his condemnation, as he tried to inject an impartial and intelligent observation. So at the end of the first round, it’s Kaine leading with five points and van de Poste with three.”
    There was more applause as the numbers came up on the scoreboard.
    “On to the next stage of the show, which we call the ‘not answering the question’ round. We have a question from Miss Ives.”
    A middle-aged woman put up her hand and asked, “Does the panel think that sugar should be added to rhubarb pie or the sweetness deficit made up by an additive, such as custard?”
    “Thank you, Miss Ives. Mr. van de Poste, would you care to not answer this question first?”
    “Well,” said Redmond, eyeing the audience for any possible assassins, “this question goes straight to the heart of government, and I’d like to first point out that the Commonsense Party, when we were in power, tried more ways of doing things than any other party in living memory, and in consequence came closer to doing the right way of doing something, even if we didn’t know it at the time.”
    There was applause, and Joffy and I exchanged looks.
    “Does it get any better?” I whispered.
    “Wait until they get on to Denmark.”
    “I utterly refute,” began Kaine, “the implication that we aren’t doing things the right way. To demonstrate this I’d like to wander completely off the point and talk about the Health Service overhaul that we will launch next year. We want to replace the outdated ‘preventive’ style of health care this country has relentlessly pursued with a ‘wait until it gets really bad’ system, which will target those most in need of medical treatment—the sick. Yearly health screenings for all citizens will end and be replaced by a ‘tertiary’ diagnostic regime that will save money and resources.”
    Again there was applause.
    “Okay,” announced Webastow, “I’m going to give van de Poste three points for successfully not answering that question at all, but five points to Kaine, who not only ignored the question but instead used it as a platform for his own political agenda. So with six rounds still to go, we have Kaine with ten points and van de Poste with six. Next question, please.”
    A young man with dyed red hair sitting in our row put his hand up. “I would like to suggest that the Danish are not our enemy, and this is nothing more than a cynical move by the Whigs to blame someone else for our own economic troubles.”
    “Ah!” said Webastow. “The controversial Danish question. I’m going to let Mr. van de Poste avoid this question first.”
    Van de Poste looked unwell all of a sudden and glanced nervously towards where Stricknene and Gayle were glaring at him.
    “I think,” he began slowly, “that if the Danish are as Mr. Kaine describes, I will offer my support to his policies.”
    He dabbed his forehead with a handkerchief as Kaine began: “When I came to power, England was a nation in the grip of economic decline and social ills. No one realized it at the time, and I took it upon myself to demonstrate by any means in my power the depths to which this great nation had fallen. With the support of my followers,