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as not getting to play at all.”
    â€œYou’ll still get swords,” I say. “And horses.”
    Dex’s hand shoots up. “Can I have a unicorn instead of a horse?”
    â€œThere are no unicorns in the Everwood. But you can have a white horse.”
    Ruth tugs on Kennedy’s arm. “Do we really have to do everything Gretchen says?”
    â€œAbsolutely,” Gretchen says.
    Kennedy gives Gretchen a look. “Within reason.”
    â€œSo,” I say, “do you accept?”
    Dex and Ruth exchange a glance, then kneel in the dirt to be initiated.
    â€œNow what?” asks Kennedy. “What’s next?”
    â€œWe must take a solemn oath.” I dig in Gretchen’s bag for the oversized shoe box she brought from home. “Did you bring your dues?”
    Everyone hands me their personal items: a black, ferocious-looking model unicorn from Dex, and from Ruth a collar sheis saving for the kitten she wants for her birthday. Gretchen brought a scruffy plush dolphin named Echo. Before handing him over, she kisses him on the nose.
    Kennedy holds on to her MVP soccer medal. “We’re keeping these somewhere safe, right?”
    â€œAbsolutely,” says Gretchen. “On my honor as a knight, I won’t let anything happen to these, our most powerful treasures.”
    Ruth giggles. “Why are you talking so funny?”
    â€œBecause that’s how knights talk, stupid.”
    Kennedy says, “Gretchen, come on, don’t call her stupid.”
    â€œKennedy, you have to,” whispers Dex, bouncing on his toes. “Otherwise you can’t come to the Everwood!”
    Kennedy regally adds her medal to the pile. “Such an important gesture must be given due consideration.”
    â€œDuh!” Ruth hisses. Dex sticks his tongue out at her.
    As for me, I tear out my Favorite Words list from my notebook and fold it into a tiny square.
    â€œThat’s it?” says Gretchen. “You’re giving up a piece of paper?”
    â€œYou don’t understand. There are three hundred and forty-six words on this list. If I lose it, I’ll lose years of work.”
    Gretchen doesn’t look convinced, but I nevertheless put our items into the shoe box and tape it shut. Everyone places their hands on the lid.
    â€œRepeat after me,” I say. “Upon the valuables in this box, I swear to never reveal the secrets of the Everwood quest toanyone not present tonight. And if I break this promise, I give up all rights to my property contained herein.”
    Everyone repeats the oath and crosses their hearts. Now three more people know about the Everwood. It is no longer only mine.
    I am not sure how I feel about that. It seemed like a good idea, and yet now I am not so sure.
    I follow my cousins up the stone steps. We are going slowly, because Dex keeps slipping in the dark.
    Too slowly.
    I would like to get back inside now, please, so I can have some time alone to think.
    I need some time.
    I need to be alone.
    Now.
    Before Grandma finds us. Before anyone sees me. Before the others change their minds and start laughing at me for playing my stupid Everwood game.
    Now.
    Now.
    Now.
    But it is too late; it is already happening.
    It slides over me like I have walked through an icy veil:
    Fear.

10

    I T STARTS DEEP IN MY stomach and crashing out to my fingers and toes. I know this feeling well by now. It means I am close to losing myself.
    When my body becomes hot and cold at the same time, and itchy all over.
    When my stomach goes queasy, and I find it hard to breathe, and all I know is that I am afraid for no particular reason.
    When I wake up wanting to call out for Mom and Dad, but I don’t.
    My breath starts to come faster, thinner.
    I do not understand. I should be happy right now, shouldn’t I? With a champion, a knight, and two squires at my side?
    A normal person would be happy right now, I think. Why is this happening to me?
    (I