mum should sound at all. It scared me. “And then we could talk about things,” she’d continued. “We haven’t had a chance to talk about things really, have we, darling? I’m worried about you. About how you’re handling this…” I’d looked out of the car window away from her and watched the dirt-grey streets slip away from us as we crawled our way home through the rush-hour traffic.
“But there’s nothing to talk about, is there?” I’d said bluntly. “I mean, it’s happened. You and Dad decided it and now it’s happened.” I thought of Dad walking out on me in the garden. “What I felt didn’t matter, so I’d really rather just get on with things now, Mum, and try to forget about it,because nothing I say or do is going to make any difference, is it? What I feel doesn’t really come into it, does it?”
I looked back at her then and saw the look of sorrow on her face as she tried to think of something to say. I knew that I should just go home. I knew I should be with her and let her see that I was all right and that she hadn’t done something so terrible to me that I would never get over it. But I couldn’t, I didn’t feel like that. I didn’t feel OK. I didn’t feel like being brave and I didn’t feel strong enough to be there for her, for her to lean on me. It was too much. Much too much.
I was supposed to be the child. I was supposed to be the one who did the leaning on both of my parents. But last night they had just pulled that security rug out from under my feet without thinking. So I’d just looked out of the window again and at the passing blur of traffic and said, “Nydia’s dad’ll drop me back before ten.”
“She’s feeling guilty so she’s letting me off all the ‘talking it through’,” I said to Nydia with my own much less-good impression of Trisha.
“OK, so let’s try to put the negative aside,” she said. “We should just focus on the positive.” Nydia tucked herlegs underneath her on her bed and clapped her hands together, her eyes gleaming. “After all, you’re going to kiss the love of your life! Ohmygodhowexcitingisthat!”
I felt a sudden rush of adrenaline surge through me and fizz in the tips of my fingers and toes. Just the thought that the dream which sent me off to sleep every night might actually come true made me feel like floating a couple of inches above Nydia’s bed. And then it was as if I was on the roller coaster Cosmo had predicted and my stomach plummeted towards my feet and I felt sick.
“I feel sick,” I said.
“But why?” Nydia exclaimed, her eyes wide. “It’ll be great. Your lips will meet his, he’ll look into your eyes and realise that, yes, it’s you and only you that he’s loved all along; he’ll chuck that stupid girlfriend of his and go out with you and you’ll get a two-page spread in OK! ” she finished dreamily. I shook my head.
“He won’t because I…I can’t kiss him, Nydia. I have no, literally, no idea how to kiss him! I haven’t kissed any boy – ever – except for Danny in the school play and that was just on the cheek!” I bit my lip hard. “What am I going to do? I mean, they’ve given me this second chance to make it on the show and I really have to be brilliant, and how can I act kissing him if I can’t even kiss in real life? And he’ll hate me for making him look like a fool,and instead of mostly ignoring me, he’ll hate me for ever and my life will be ruined.”
Nydia looked puzzled. “Hang on a minute,” she said. “But when Ms Logan made us stand outside for twenty minutes before letting us in to get changed the other day, you said then that you’d kissed a boy! So what’s the problem, silly – you have done it before. You might be a bit rusty but—”
I cringed at the memory. It was true – at least partly. Everyone had been standing around waiting to get changed after hockey. (Ms Logan makes us wait outside a lot; she’s says it’s a life lesson, but really it’s
“But there’s nothing to talk about, is there?” I’d said bluntly. “I mean, it’s happened. You and Dad decided it and now it’s happened.” I thought of Dad walking out on me in the garden. “What I felt didn’t matter, so I’d really rather just get on with things now, Mum, and try to forget about it,because nothing I say or do is going to make any difference, is it? What I feel doesn’t really come into it, does it?”
I looked back at her then and saw the look of sorrow on her face as she tried to think of something to say. I knew that I should just go home. I knew I should be with her and let her see that I was all right and that she hadn’t done something so terrible to me that I would never get over it. But I couldn’t, I didn’t feel like that. I didn’t feel OK. I didn’t feel like being brave and I didn’t feel strong enough to be there for her, for her to lean on me. It was too much. Much too much.
I was supposed to be the child. I was supposed to be the one who did the leaning on both of my parents. But last night they had just pulled that security rug out from under my feet without thinking. So I’d just looked out of the window again and at the passing blur of traffic and said, “Nydia’s dad’ll drop me back before ten.”
“She’s feeling guilty so she’s letting me off all the ‘talking it through’,” I said to Nydia with my own much less-good impression of Trisha.
“OK, so let’s try to put the negative aside,” she said. “We should just focus on the positive.” Nydia tucked herlegs underneath her on her bed and clapped her hands together, her eyes gleaming. “After all, you’re going to kiss the love of your life! Ohmygodhowexcitingisthat!”
I felt a sudden rush of adrenaline surge through me and fizz in the tips of my fingers and toes. Just the thought that the dream which sent me off to sleep every night might actually come true made me feel like floating a couple of inches above Nydia’s bed. And then it was as if I was on the roller coaster Cosmo had predicted and my stomach plummeted towards my feet and I felt sick.
“I feel sick,” I said.
“But why?” Nydia exclaimed, her eyes wide. “It’ll be great. Your lips will meet his, he’ll look into your eyes and realise that, yes, it’s you and only you that he’s loved all along; he’ll chuck that stupid girlfriend of his and go out with you and you’ll get a two-page spread in OK! ” she finished dreamily. I shook my head.
“He won’t because I…I can’t kiss him, Nydia. I have no, literally, no idea how to kiss him! I haven’t kissed any boy – ever – except for Danny in the school play and that was just on the cheek!” I bit my lip hard. “What am I going to do? I mean, they’ve given me this second chance to make it on the show and I really have to be brilliant, and how can I act kissing him if I can’t even kiss in real life? And he’ll hate me for making him look like a fool,and instead of mostly ignoring me, he’ll hate me for ever and my life will be ruined.”
Nydia looked puzzled. “Hang on a minute,” she said. “But when Ms Logan made us stand outside for twenty minutes before letting us in to get changed the other day, you said then that you’d kissed a boy! So what’s the problem, silly – you have done it before. You might be a bit rusty but—”
I cringed at the memory. It was true – at least partly. Everyone had been standing around waiting to get changed after hockey. (Ms Logan makes us wait outside a lot; she’s says it’s a life lesson, but really it’s
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