Read Online Sick Puppy by Carl Hiaasen - Free Book Online

architect of the mitigation scam was none other than Palmer Stoat, who’d had a very productive week. The governor’s cronies would be getting their new bridge, Willie Vasquez-Washington would be getting his new community center, and that impertinent tollbooth clerk in Yeehaw Junction would be getting a pink slip. Palmer Stoat flew home from Tallahassee and drove directly to Swain’s, his favorite local cigar bar, to celebrate. Here he felt vigorous and important among the ruddy young lawyers and money managers and gallery owners and former pro athletes. Stoat enjoyed watching them instruct their new girlfriends how to clip the nub oh-socarefully off a bootleg Bolivar—the Yuppie foreplay of the nineties. Stoat resented that his wife wouldn’t set foot in Swain’s, because she would’ve looked spectacular sitting there, scissor-legged and preening in one of her tight black cocktail dresses. But Desie claimed to be nauseated by cigars. She nagged him mercilessly for smoking in the house—a vile and toxic habit, she called it. Yet she’d fire up a doobie every time they made love—and did Palmer complain? No, ma’am. Whatever gets you past the night, he’d say cheerfully. And then Desie would say, Just for once shut up, wouldya? And that’s the only way she’d do it, with him completely silent in the saddle. The Polaroid routine she’d tolerate, but the moment Palmer blurted a single word, the sex was over. That was Desie’s ironclad rule. So he had learned to keep his mouth shut for fifteen or twenty minutes in the bedroom, maybe twice a week. Palmer could handle that. Hell, they were all a little crazy, right? And besides, there were others—the ones up at the capitol, especially—who’d let him talk all he wanted, from start to finish. Like he was calling the Preakness.
    The bartender delivered a fresh brandy.
    “Where’d this come from?” Stoat asked.
    “From the gentleman at the end of the bar.”
    That was one thing about cigar joints, the customers were all “gentlemen” and “ladies.”
    “Which one?” said Stoat.
    “In the sunglasses.”
    Young guy in a tropical-print shirt; parrots and palm fronds. Stoat couldn’t place the face. Deeply tanned, with long sun-bleached hair and a two-day stubble. Probably an off-duty deckhand from Bahia Mar or Pier 66, Stoat thought, somebody he’d met on a party yacht.
    Stoat raised the brandy and mouthed a thank-you. The boat guy in the sunglasses acknowledged with a wry nod. Stoat turned his attention to an effervescent brunette who wasn’t smoking a seven-inch Cuban knockoff so much as fellating it. And while the woman would hardly be mistaken for a serious cigar connoisseur, her husky giggle indicated an enthusiasm to learn. Stoat was about to introduce himself when the bartender touched his sleeve and passed him a folded cocktail napkin. “The young gentleman in the sunglasses,” the bartender said, “he left this for you.”
    Palmer Stoat opened the note:
Mr. Yee called from Panama City about your “vitamins.” Also, Jorge from Ocean BMW—they’ll have another ragtop by Monday. This time be more careful where you park it!
    Stoat’s hands were shaky when he put down the napkin. He scanned the bar: no sign of the boat guy. Stoat flipped open his cell phone, dialed the nonlisted number to his den, and punched in the numeric code of his answering machine. The first two messages, recorded on the same morning he’d flown to Tallahassee, were exactly as described in the boat guy’s note. Mr. Yee—Durgess’s elusive rhino-horn connection—had finally returned Stoat’s call. (Without Desie’s knowledge, Stoat intended to score some of that magic erection powder; he was scheming some wild recreation for his next business trip.) And the second phone message on the machine was indeed from the BMW salesman, a young go-getter named Jorge Hernandez.
    Spooky, Stoat thought. Either the boat guy pirated my phone code or he’s been snooping inside my