I hardly look like me anymore.
I have known about the weight loss, but not this much. I abandon the mirror for a moment and rush to my duffle bag and pull out the first pair of jeans that I find. They’re a size one…I used to be a seven, maybe a five on a good day. I shove them back in the bag and return to the mirror.
My hair’s longer—but that’s just from not being cut in forever. My cheeks have lost some of their baby-fat and my eyes seem larger. Dark circles rest under my eyes. There’s no denying that I look like crap. This time I don’t stop the tears that pour down my face.
The worst part is this isn’t even the worst of it. Marks run the length of my arms from the blood tests done there. The scars on my thighs are from numerous tissue samples. Knowing this only makes me cry harder.
“Coming out,” Lucas calls and opens the door. “You ready for food-hey, what’s wrong?” Immediately he’s on high alert. “Is someone here? Are you hurt?”
I shake my head no because it’s all I can do and these stupid tears won’t stop. Lucas relaxes once he ascertains that there’s no danger.
“Kat, what’s wrong?”
Just like the tears, I can’t seem to stop my mouth. “I look so horrible!” I wail and cry harder.
Lucas comes over to me and wraps his arms around me. He lets me bawl into his chest and destroy his new shirt. When my sobs calm down and my gasping breaths reduce to hiccups, he moves back slightly. Lucas puts a finger under my chin and lifts my face to his. “Now, what’s all this nonsense about looking horrible?”
I try to look down but he won’t let me. With a big sniffle I answer, “I’m way too skinny, my eyes look huge--the only thing bigger than them are the freaking bags under them. My face is skinnier too.” Although, with the size of my cheeks that last one might not be a bad thing.
Lucas chest shakes as he gently chuckles. Next thing I know he turns me around so that we’re facing the mirror and stands behind me. My head reaches his chin so he has no problem seeing me. “I don’t see anything horrible standing in front of me.” He says softly. “I see a girl who’s brave, strong and beautiful. A girl who stands up for what she believes in and fights for it. You’re anything but horrible, Kat. Don’t ever say that. What you are is incredible.”
I hold his gaze in the mirror because I don’t know what to say. I should tell him exactly how wrong he is about me: all the things that make me horrible that have nothing to do with my looks, but I don’t. That’s when I realize his arms are still around my shoulders and I’m leaning into his chest.
I pull forward gently. “I still think I’m too skinny.”
He grins and releases me. “Then let’s go eat.”
Food helps to level out my emotions. We find a diner and have our fill quickly. Back in the van, we head towards the hotel. The unknown once again rears its ugly head at me.
“So what happens next?” I ask Lucas uncertainly.
He lets out a big puff of air. “Um…we start by getting some rest. Then I guess we’ll get up around three and pack up. The hotel has a drop box to leave the key. We have to travel about ten miles by sunrise.”
I swallow. “Once we get there?”
“I don’t really know.” He says honestly. “The team will meet us and probably bring us somewhere safe. I know the captain and the doctor are dying to see you. I assume they’ll bring us directly to them.”
Okay. Right to the doctor and the captain…I can handle that, no problem. “Do you think they’ll let my friends come?” I wonder aloud.
Lucas’ shoulders go up and down. “I don’t know, but I’m sure you’ll see them soon.” He says this so sadly that I stop to look at him.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
“Huh? Nothing’s wrong. Why?” He answers a little too quickly.
“Just, well…you sounded sad just before.” I point out.
“I guess I kind of got used to it being just us. I don’t know if
I have known about the weight loss, but not this much. I abandon the mirror for a moment and rush to my duffle bag and pull out the first pair of jeans that I find. They’re a size one…I used to be a seven, maybe a five on a good day. I shove them back in the bag and return to the mirror.
My hair’s longer—but that’s just from not being cut in forever. My cheeks have lost some of their baby-fat and my eyes seem larger. Dark circles rest under my eyes. There’s no denying that I look like crap. This time I don’t stop the tears that pour down my face.
The worst part is this isn’t even the worst of it. Marks run the length of my arms from the blood tests done there. The scars on my thighs are from numerous tissue samples. Knowing this only makes me cry harder.
“Coming out,” Lucas calls and opens the door. “You ready for food-hey, what’s wrong?” Immediately he’s on high alert. “Is someone here? Are you hurt?”
I shake my head no because it’s all I can do and these stupid tears won’t stop. Lucas relaxes once he ascertains that there’s no danger.
“Kat, what’s wrong?”
Just like the tears, I can’t seem to stop my mouth. “I look so horrible!” I wail and cry harder.
Lucas comes over to me and wraps his arms around me. He lets me bawl into his chest and destroy his new shirt. When my sobs calm down and my gasping breaths reduce to hiccups, he moves back slightly. Lucas puts a finger under my chin and lifts my face to his. “Now, what’s all this nonsense about looking horrible?”
I try to look down but he won’t let me. With a big sniffle I answer, “I’m way too skinny, my eyes look huge--the only thing bigger than them are the freaking bags under them. My face is skinnier too.” Although, with the size of my cheeks that last one might not be a bad thing.
Lucas chest shakes as he gently chuckles. Next thing I know he turns me around so that we’re facing the mirror and stands behind me. My head reaches his chin so he has no problem seeing me. “I don’t see anything horrible standing in front of me.” He says softly. “I see a girl who’s brave, strong and beautiful. A girl who stands up for what she believes in and fights for it. You’re anything but horrible, Kat. Don’t ever say that. What you are is incredible.”
I hold his gaze in the mirror because I don’t know what to say. I should tell him exactly how wrong he is about me: all the things that make me horrible that have nothing to do with my looks, but I don’t. That’s when I realize his arms are still around my shoulders and I’m leaning into his chest.
I pull forward gently. “I still think I’m too skinny.”
He grins and releases me. “Then let’s go eat.”
Food helps to level out my emotions. We find a diner and have our fill quickly. Back in the van, we head towards the hotel. The unknown once again rears its ugly head at me.
“So what happens next?” I ask Lucas uncertainly.
He lets out a big puff of air. “Um…we start by getting some rest. Then I guess we’ll get up around three and pack up. The hotel has a drop box to leave the key. We have to travel about ten miles by sunrise.”
I swallow. “Once we get there?”
“I don’t really know.” He says honestly. “The team will meet us and probably bring us somewhere safe. I know the captain and the doctor are dying to see you. I assume they’ll bring us directly to them.”
Okay. Right to the doctor and the captain…I can handle that, no problem. “Do you think they’ll let my friends come?” I wonder aloud.
Lucas’ shoulders go up and down. “I don’t know, but I’m sure you’ll see them soon.” He says this so sadly that I stop to look at him.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
“Huh? Nothing’s wrong. Why?” He answers a little too quickly.
“Just, well…you sounded sad just before.” I point out.
“I guess I kind of got used to it being just us. I don’t know if
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