place inexplicably stunk of cat. He swept a pile of paperwork aside to clear an ancient brown office chair for me, and then took a seat on the other side of...what I assumed was a desk, under all that clutter.
Then, he started talking.
"Look, okay, this is your first job interview ever? I'm sure you're nervous, but there's no reason to be. I'm the best interviewer you'll ever have."
He smiled, and I smiled back, unsure if he thought he was joking.
"I see here you did well in your classes, so that's a good sign, of course. That shows you've got attention to detail and a willingness to work hard. Or at least fake it. Right?" He stared at me, then suddenly smiled again. "I'm kidding! Come on, laugh when I make a joke. You're making this more awkward than it has to be."
I forced a laugh, suppressing the desire to look over my shoulder and try to figure out if I was on a hidden camera show. "I'm sorry," I said.
"Don't apologize! It's fine. You're doing great. I was only half kidding, sometimes around here it's all about looking busy even if you're not. Me, I'm lucky, since I got to be a manager I can just hide out in here and pretend to do paperwork, but really I'm just watching Netflix. Don't let me catch you watching Netflix, though! I'd have to punish you!"
I managed a weak chuckle. His eyes looked like they were about to bug out of his head, and I couldn't remember the last time I'd been this uncomfortable.
"Just kidding, just kidding! I would never tell on you. Look, here's the thing, John."
I cleared my throat. "Jacob," I said.
He blinked. "My name's Andrew ," he said.
"No, no, I know," I said, although come to think of it, I wasn't sure he'd told me. " My name is Jacob."
"What?" he snapped. "Yes! Of course. I know that's your name. Can we get back to the interview, please?"
"Please, let's," I grumbled, shoving my hands in my pockets.
"Tell me, do you smoke?"
"No," I said.
"Drink?"
"No," I said.
"Never?" He leaned across the desk. "Not even a little nip, now and then? You aren't one of those church kids, are you? Look, okay, I got nothing against religion, but you have to admit those people freak you out a little bit. You seem normal, so you must see it. Right? Right? Come on. Don't leave me hanging."
I couldn't restrain a sigh. "Is this going to be about a job, at some point?"
"This is all about the job!" he burst out. "How can you not see that? Everything is relevant."
"All right, well, I already told you I don't drink. And yes, I go to church. I don't think it would be legal to refuse to hire me for that reason, so I can't figure out why you'd ask in the first place, but yes, I go to church."
He was silent for a minute, folding his fingers together and resting his elbows on the desk. "Okay," he said. "Here's the thing. Some managers might be taken aback by the way you're talking to me right now, but I know some of the world's greatest leaders have been world-class a-holes. You know what I mean? Clinton, Mussolini, Zuckerberg. Sometimes being successful means stepping on people's necks, right? I know that probably goes against your religion or whatever, but it's just an undisputed fact."
He paused, waiting for a response.
"Okay," I said.
"Now, this might come as a surprise to you, but I'm actually really difficult to work for. A lot of the managers here are. It's just one of those things. You'll do well here if you can just keep your head down and learn how to say 'yes sir' even when you don't want to. It's like the army. In fact, I've had quite a few ex-military employees and they all say I'm the biggest hardass they've ever worked for!"
He seemed to be waiting for some kind of comment.
"Wow," I said, finally.
"All right," he said, looking irritated. "Now do you want this job, or not?"
"I don't know what the job is," I said. "You haven't offered me anything."
"Oh," he said. And then, after a longer pause, "oh. Listen - I'm going to have to call you, all right? The paperwork's all a
Then, he started talking.
"Look, okay, this is your first job interview ever? I'm sure you're nervous, but there's no reason to be. I'm the best interviewer you'll ever have."
He smiled, and I smiled back, unsure if he thought he was joking.
"I see here you did well in your classes, so that's a good sign, of course. That shows you've got attention to detail and a willingness to work hard. Or at least fake it. Right?" He stared at me, then suddenly smiled again. "I'm kidding! Come on, laugh when I make a joke. You're making this more awkward than it has to be."
I forced a laugh, suppressing the desire to look over my shoulder and try to figure out if I was on a hidden camera show. "I'm sorry," I said.
"Don't apologize! It's fine. You're doing great. I was only half kidding, sometimes around here it's all about looking busy even if you're not. Me, I'm lucky, since I got to be a manager I can just hide out in here and pretend to do paperwork, but really I'm just watching Netflix. Don't let me catch you watching Netflix, though! I'd have to punish you!"
I managed a weak chuckle. His eyes looked like they were about to bug out of his head, and I couldn't remember the last time I'd been this uncomfortable.
"Just kidding, just kidding! I would never tell on you. Look, here's the thing, John."
I cleared my throat. "Jacob," I said.
He blinked. "My name's Andrew ," he said.
"No, no, I know," I said, although come to think of it, I wasn't sure he'd told me. " My name is Jacob."
"What?" he snapped. "Yes! Of course. I know that's your name. Can we get back to the interview, please?"
"Please, let's," I grumbled, shoving my hands in my pockets.
"Tell me, do you smoke?"
"No," I said.
"Drink?"
"No," I said.
"Never?" He leaned across the desk. "Not even a little nip, now and then? You aren't one of those church kids, are you? Look, okay, I got nothing against religion, but you have to admit those people freak you out a little bit. You seem normal, so you must see it. Right? Right? Come on. Don't leave me hanging."
I couldn't restrain a sigh. "Is this going to be about a job, at some point?"
"This is all about the job!" he burst out. "How can you not see that? Everything is relevant."
"All right, well, I already told you I don't drink. And yes, I go to church. I don't think it would be legal to refuse to hire me for that reason, so I can't figure out why you'd ask in the first place, but yes, I go to church."
He was silent for a minute, folding his fingers together and resting his elbows on the desk. "Okay," he said. "Here's the thing. Some managers might be taken aback by the way you're talking to me right now, but I know some of the world's greatest leaders have been world-class a-holes. You know what I mean? Clinton, Mussolini, Zuckerberg. Sometimes being successful means stepping on people's necks, right? I know that probably goes against your religion or whatever, but it's just an undisputed fact."
He paused, waiting for a response.
"Okay," I said.
"Now, this might come as a surprise to you, but I'm actually really difficult to work for. A lot of the managers here are. It's just one of those things. You'll do well here if you can just keep your head down and learn how to say 'yes sir' even when you don't want to. It's like the army. In fact, I've had quite a few ex-military employees and they all say I'm the biggest hardass they've ever worked for!"
He seemed to be waiting for some kind of comment.
"Wow," I said, finally.
"All right," he said, looking irritated. "Now do you want this job, or not?"
"I don't know what the job is," I said. "You haven't offered me anything."
"Oh," he said. And then, after a longer pause, "oh. Listen - I'm going to have to call you, all right? The paperwork's all a
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