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Authors: Elisa Lorello
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father is. More to the point, I think she’s at the age where she’s trying to find out who
she
is.”
My mother took a sip of wine.
I continued, “I just don’t want to have the same relationship with her that you and I had. I want to do it differently.”
“Is this when you once again blame me for everything that went wrong in your life?”
Geez. Why,
why
couldn’t my mother and I talk to each other, after all these years?
“I’m done with that, Mom. Let it go a long time ago. But you know as well as I do that we didn’t do it right.”
“Then why would you want my advice if I was so horrible at being a mother to you?”
“You weren’t horrible. You did the best you could at the time. I respect you and want us to be better at this. I really want to know what you think, Mom. I’m finally happy again and I’m afraid of losing it. And I’m afraid I’ll fall off the edge like I did when I lost Sam. How do I keep that from happening?”
I caught a glimpse of her eyes—they were glassy. She quickly averted her gaze and focused on her salad as she poked her fork into the lettuce and took a mouthful. Then she finished chewing and dabbed the edge of her mouth with the cloth napkin before returning it to her lap.
“I haven’t the slightest idea how to help you, Andi. I’m sorry.” She took another bite of salad and pointed to my plate with her fork. “You’re not going to eat that?”
I shook my head. “I’ll ask them to wrap it up.”
We spent the rest of the meal forcing stilted small talk. Mom only got through half of her salad before asking the server to wrap up the remains. She insisted on paying the bill, and we left Danford’s and returned to Main Street, walking along the sidewalk and passing the shops and boutiques, taking a peek inside. Pretending everything was OK.
The ferry loomed in the near distance, inching toward the dock.
“I’d better get going,” I said. “I don’t want to be home too late. David’s having a hard time with all of this, as I’m sure you can imagine.”
“Are you both sure this girl is his?”
I nodded. “DNA doesn’t lie. And you should see her, Mom. She has his eyes.”
She became wistful. I guessed she was thinking about my father. She always believed I took after his side of the family when it came to my own looks.
“Andi, I’m sorry I wasn’t a good mother to you.”
Without warning, the little girl in me pushed her pain and abandonment to the surface, and I felt the sting of tears threatening to escape. I blinked them away quickly. “You lost the love of your life,” I said. “In more ways than one.”
“I’ll think about the daughter situation and try to come up with something helpful.”
Her effort spoke volumes. “Thank you, Mom.” I leaned in to hug her. The gesture was often one that we both tried to get out of the way as quickly as possible, but this time she received my embrace and returned it. I could feel her hands on my back, pushing in a bit.
“Tell David I said hello. And don’t wait too long to marry him. You of all people know how precious time is.”
“OK,” I said.
I boarded the ferry, locked up the car, and went to the top deck. As the boat pulled away from the dock, I saw my mother standing on the boardwalk next to Danford’s, watching me sail away.
chapter thirteen
By the time I got home from Port Jefferson it was about seven o’clock, and I decided to return the rented car the next day. When I entered the house I called for David, but heard no response. Too tired to eat and still without an appetite, I put my untouched lunch into the fridge and slowly dragged myself up the stairs. The downstairs and stairwell were unlit, but I saw a flicker coming from my bedroom in the hallway and was greeted with the soft glow of strategically placed votive candles around the room, emitting a scent of vanilla cake. A towering crystal vase of red roses covered the dresser, their reflection in the mirror giving off
she
is.”
My mother took a sip of wine.
I continued, “I just don’t want to have the same relationship with her that you and I had. I want to do it differently.”
“Is this when you once again blame me for everything that went wrong in your life?”
Geez. Why,
why
couldn’t my mother and I talk to each other, after all these years?
“I’m done with that, Mom. Let it go a long time ago. But you know as well as I do that we didn’t do it right.”
“Then why would you want my advice if I was so horrible at being a mother to you?”
“You weren’t horrible. You did the best you could at the time. I respect you and want us to be better at this. I really want to know what you think, Mom. I’m finally happy again and I’m afraid of losing it. And I’m afraid I’ll fall off the edge like I did when I lost Sam. How do I keep that from happening?”
I caught a glimpse of her eyes—they were glassy. She quickly averted her gaze and focused on her salad as she poked her fork into the lettuce and took a mouthful. Then she finished chewing and dabbed the edge of her mouth with the cloth napkin before returning it to her lap.
“I haven’t the slightest idea how to help you, Andi. I’m sorry.” She took another bite of salad and pointed to my plate with her fork. “You’re not going to eat that?”
I shook my head. “I’ll ask them to wrap it up.”
We spent the rest of the meal forcing stilted small talk. Mom only got through half of her salad before asking the server to wrap up the remains. She insisted on paying the bill, and we left Danford’s and returned to Main Street, walking along the sidewalk and passing the shops and boutiques, taking a peek inside. Pretending everything was OK.
The ferry loomed in the near distance, inching toward the dock.
“I’d better get going,” I said. “I don’t want to be home too late. David’s having a hard time with all of this, as I’m sure you can imagine.”
“Are you both sure this girl is his?”
I nodded. “DNA doesn’t lie. And you should see her, Mom. She has his eyes.”
She became wistful. I guessed she was thinking about my father. She always believed I took after his side of the family when it came to my own looks.
“Andi, I’m sorry I wasn’t a good mother to you.”
Without warning, the little girl in me pushed her pain and abandonment to the surface, and I felt the sting of tears threatening to escape. I blinked them away quickly. “You lost the love of your life,” I said. “In more ways than one.”
“I’ll think about the daughter situation and try to come up with something helpful.”
Her effort spoke volumes. “Thank you, Mom.” I leaned in to hug her. The gesture was often one that we both tried to get out of the way as quickly as possible, but this time she received my embrace and returned it. I could feel her hands on my back, pushing in a bit.
“Tell David I said hello. And don’t wait too long to marry him. You of all people know how precious time is.”
“OK,” I said.
I boarded the ferry, locked up the car, and went to the top deck. As the boat pulled away from the dock, I saw my mother standing on the boardwalk next to Danford’s, watching me sail away.
chapter thirteen
By the time I got home from Port Jefferson it was about seven o’clock, and I decided to return the rented car the next day. When I entered the house I called for David, but heard no response. Too tired to eat and still without an appetite, I put my untouched lunch into the fridge and slowly dragged myself up the stairs. The downstairs and stairwell were unlit, but I saw a flicker coming from my bedroom in the hallway and was greeted with the soft glow of strategically placed votive candles around the room, emitting a scent of vanilla cake. A towering crystal vase of red roses covered the dresser, their reflection in the mirror giving off
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