asked.
“That police detective show with Telly Savalas?” Sammy asked.
“Yeah, Kojak. He was a badass. Always cool under pressure.”
“All right,” Sammy replied. “Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that Kojak was a bald badass. So what?”
“So you have to imagine how Kojak would deal with this situation we have in front of us. He wouldn’t be worried about whether this girl digs bald guys. He would just walk right up to her, knowing that he’s a badass and just take care of business. You see, it’s all in the delivery.”
“The delivery?”
“Yeah, the execution. I learned that in my sophomore acting class. And from just watching people in action…How you say something is often more important than what you say. If you have the world’s slickest line and you deliver it pathetically, it’s doomed to fail. And if you have a really cheesy, unoriginal line that you deliver in the slickest, most confident way, it has a pretty good chance of succeeding.”
“And Kojak never delivers a line poorly,” Sammy concluded.
“Exactly. Because he’s Kojak. Now go over to that girl, and show her where Kojak learned his stuff.”
All pumped and ready to go, Sammy walked towards her, but by the time he was close enough to say anything, two football players had already begun talking to her. Sammy stopped in his tracks and thought to himself, “Why does that never happen to Kojak?”
While that was Sammy’s first and last attempt to approach a female on his own that night, several important concepts were born: “Kojaking” a situation; being a “Kojak”; and possessing “Kojak.” These terms would be regularly invoked by Carlos whenever Sammy needed some psychological fortification.
Despite all of Carlos’s best intentions and efforts to prop Sammy up, there was no helping the fact that Carlos also made Sammy’s physical handicaps (shortness, baldness, plumpness and plainness) stand out more by the stark contrast that was created when the two were together. And, as if Sammy’s odds of attracting a woman weren’t already bad enough, Sammy studiously avoided Jewish women, even though they were consistently the only ones who would even consider talking to him.
Early in their friendship, Carlos quizzed Sammy about this paradox.
“But if you’re proud to be a Hebrew, and you’re determined to marry a Hebrew woman some day, why won’t you date any?”
“Because then I’ll have to actually take her seriously. If my parents find out, they’ll be asking me about her all the time, hoping that I’m planning to marry her some day. I’ll have to have a real relationship. And if I can’t sow my wild oats now, in college – which is supposed to be the best time of your life – then when can I do it? When I’m married with two kids and have even less hair?”
“You got a point there, I guess. I mean, if I completely distort the rules of logic.”
“I don’t know what it is. Call me crazy.”
“No. I think I’ll call you Heeb.”
“Heeb?”
“Look, if you’re gonna call me Chucky, which is a gross Americanization of my name – ”
“Lucky Chucky sounds much better than Lucky Carlos.”
“But Chucky sounds nothing like Carlos.”
“It’s an approximate derivation. Charles is the American version of Carlos. And Chucky is a familiar version of Charles. Therefore Chucky is a familiar American version of Carlos.”
“Well, you’re Heeb. You’re a dweeby Heeby who explains nicknames with syllogisms.”
“How is Heeb anything like Sammy Laffowitz?”
“Because it’s completely laughable that a Hebrew who wants to marry another Hebrew can’t date any Hebrews, because he’ll sleep around with only non-Hebrews.”
“That’s not funny. I haven’t slept around with anyone in two years.”
“Well maybe if you stopped discriminating against your own kind you’d have better luck.”
“Can’t do that, Lucky Chucky.”
“Whatever you say, Heeb.”
Fortunately for
“That police detective show with Telly Savalas?” Sammy asked.
“Yeah, Kojak. He was a badass. Always cool under pressure.”
“All right,” Sammy replied. “Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that Kojak was a bald badass. So what?”
“So you have to imagine how Kojak would deal with this situation we have in front of us. He wouldn’t be worried about whether this girl digs bald guys. He would just walk right up to her, knowing that he’s a badass and just take care of business. You see, it’s all in the delivery.”
“The delivery?”
“Yeah, the execution. I learned that in my sophomore acting class. And from just watching people in action…How you say something is often more important than what you say. If you have the world’s slickest line and you deliver it pathetically, it’s doomed to fail. And if you have a really cheesy, unoriginal line that you deliver in the slickest, most confident way, it has a pretty good chance of succeeding.”
“And Kojak never delivers a line poorly,” Sammy concluded.
“Exactly. Because he’s Kojak. Now go over to that girl, and show her where Kojak learned his stuff.”
All pumped and ready to go, Sammy walked towards her, but by the time he was close enough to say anything, two football players had already begun talking to her. Sammy stopped in his tracks and thought to himself, “Why does that never happen to Kojak?”
While that was Sammy’s first and last attempt to approach a female on his own that night, several important concepts were born: “Kojaking” a situation; being a “Kojak”; and possessing “Kojak.” These terms would be regularly invoked by Carlos whenever Sammy needed some psychological fortification.
Despite all of Carlos’s best intentions and efforts to prop Sammy up, there was no helping the fact that Carlos also made Sammy’s physical handicaps (shortness, baldness, plumpness and plainness) stand out more by the stark contrast that was created when the two were together. And, as if Sammy’s odds of attracting a woman weren’t already bad enough, Sammy studiously avoided Jewish women, even though they were consistently the only ones who would even consider talking to him.
Early in their friendship, Carlos quizzed Sammy about this paradox.
“But if you’re proud to be a Hebrew, and you’re determined to marry a Hebrew woman some day, why won’t you date any?”
“Because then I’ll have to actually take her seriously. If my parents find out, they’ll be asking me about her all the time, hoping that I’m planning to marry her some day. I’ll have to have a real relationship. And if I can’t sow my wild oats now, in college – which is supposed to be the best time of your life – then when can I do it? When I’m married with two kids and have even less hair?”
“You got a point there, I guess. I mean, if I completely distort the rules of logic.”
“I don’t know what it is. Call me crazy.”
“No. I think I’ll call you Heeb.”
“Heeb?”
“Look, if you’re gonna call me Chucky, which is a gross Americanization of my name – ”
“Lucky Chucky sounds much better than Lucky Carlos.”
“But Chucky sounds nothing like Carlos.”
“It’s an approximate derivation. Charles is the American version of Carlos. And Chucky is a familiar version of Charles. Therefore Chucky is a familiar American version of Carlos.”
“Well, you’re Heeb. You’re a dweeby Heeby who explains nicknames with syllogisms.”
“How is Heeb anything like Sammy Laffowitz?”
“Because it’s completely laughable that a Hebrew who wants to marry another Hebrew can’t date any Hebrews, because he’ll sleep around with only non-Hebrews.”
“That’s not funny. I haven’t slept around with anyone in two years.”
“Well maybe if you stopped discriminating against your own kind you’d have better luck.”
“Can’t do that, Lucky Chucky.”
“Whatever you say, Heeb.”
Fortunately for
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