Read Online Service with a Smile by P.G. Wodehouse - Free Book Online Page B

steps.’
    ‘What
steps?’
    ‘Slip
somebody a couple of quid to smuggle the ghastly animal away somewhere, thus
removing Emsworth from its sphere of influence.’
    ‘My
dear Alaric!’
    ‘It’s the
only course to pursue. He won’t sell the creature, though if I’ve asked him
once, I’ve asked him a dozen times. “I’ll give you five hundred pounds cash
down for that bulbous mass of lard and snuffle,” I said to him. “Say the word,”
I said, “and I’ll have the revolting object shipped off right away to my place
in Wiltshire, paying all the expenses of removal.” He refused, and was
offensive about it, too. The man’s besotted.’
    ‘But
you don’t keep pigs.’
    ‘I know
I don’t, not such a silly ass, but I’m prepared to pay five hundred pounds for
this one.’
    Lady
Constance’s eyes widened.
    ‘Just
to do Clarence good?’ she said, amazed. She had not credited her guest with
this altruism.
    ‘Certainly
not,’ said the Duke, offended that he should be supposed capable of any such
motive. ‘I can make a bit of money out of it. I know someone who’ll give me two
thousand for the animal.’
    ‘Good
gracious! Who … Oh, Clarence!’
    Lord Emsworth
had burst into the room, plainly in the grip of some strong emotion. His mild
eyes were gleaming through their pince-nez, and he quivered like a tuning-fork.
    ‘Connie,’
he cried, and you could see that he had been pushed just so far. ‘You’ve got to
do something about these infernal boys!’
    Lady
Constance sighed wearily. This was one of those trying mornings.
    ‘What
boys? Do you mean the Church Lads?’
    ‘Eh?
Yes, precisely. They should never have been let into the place. What do you
think I just found one of them doing? He was leaning over the rail of Empress’s
sty, where he had no business to be, and he was dangling a potato on a string
in front of her nose and jerking it away when she snapped at it. Might have
ruined her digestion for days. You’ve got to do something about it, Constance.
The boy must be apprehended and severely punished.’
    ‘Oh,
Clarence!’
    ‘I
insist. He must be given a sharp lesson.’
    ‘Changing
the subject,’ said the Duke, ‘will you sell me that foul pig of yours? I’ll
give you six hundred pounds.’
    Lord Emsworth
stared at him, revolted. His eyes glowed hotly behind their pince-nez. Not even
George Cyril Wellbeloved could have disliked dukes more.
    ‘Of
course I won’t. I’ve told you a dozen times. Nothing would induce me to sell
the Empress.’
    ‘Six
hundred pounds. That’s a firm offer!’
    ‘I don’t
want six hundred pounds. I’ve got plenty of money, plenty.’
    ‘Clarence,’
said Lady Constance, also changing the subject, ‘is it true that you jumped
into the lake this morning with all your clothes on?’
    ‘Eh?
What? Yes, certainly. I couldn’t wait to take them off. Only it was a log.’
    ‘What
was a log?’
    ‘The
boy.’
    ‘What
boy?’
    ‘The
log. But I can’t stand here talking,’ said Lord Emsworth impatiently, and
hurried out, turning at the door to repeat to Lady Constance that she must do
something about it.
    The
Duke blew his moustache up a few inches.
    ‘You
see? What did I tell you? Definitely barmy. Reached the gibbering stage, and
may get dangerous at any moment. But I was speaking about this fellow who’ll
give two thousand for the porker. I used to know him years ago when I was a
young man in London. Pyke was his name then. Stinker Pyke we used to call him.
Then he made a packet by running all those papers and magazines and things and
got a peerage. Calls himself Lord Tilbury now. You’ve met him. He says he’s
stayed here.’
    ‘Yes,
he was here for a short time. My brother Galahad used to know him. Miss Briggs
was his secretary before she came to us.’
    ‘I’m
not interested in Miss Briggs, blast her spectacles.’
    ‘I
merely mentioned it.’
    ‘Well,
don’t mention it again. Now you’ve made me forget what I was going to tell you.
Oh,