good.” I put off. I need to talk about it, but fuck where the hell do I fucking start.
“You hung up on Casey?” His words stop me, but I brush them off.
“Nah. She’s better where she is.”
“Didn’t ask you that shit. We all know that women are better off away from us. Wanna tell me the real reason you lied?”
Fuck. How the hell did he fucking know about all that shit and when the hell did we turn into a bunch of fucking pussies talking about this? My nostrils flare and I clench my fists ready to fucking punch my brother, but when he continues, I freeze. “Look, since she left, you’ve been a miserable fuck. You do your job, party, but it’s not you. That shit’s gonna get you killed. Your fucking head is not in it.”
I can’t fucking argue with that. My head is everywhere other than where it should be at the moment. But everything’s fucking riding me hard. Rubbing my hands up and down my face, “I’ll be good.”
I swipe my hand across my face standing up. “I just need some fucking sleep.”
Nothing. I feel nothing inside like I’m a void of a person, a waste of flesh and bones. My heart has no feeling; its only purpose is to keep me alive for some reason. Lying in this bed, all I do is exist breathing in air and taking it away from someone else on the planet. I haven’t been to class at all this week and more than likely, won’t go next week either. What the hell’s the point? My baby is dead. Gone. And what’s worse, there isn’t even a body to bury. Nothing, like I never had a life in my body, never carried it for weeks, never grew attached. Nothing. I can’t go visit my baby like I do Dad. The baby just vanished like she was nothing in this world.
“Casey. You have to get out of bed.” Bella comes by four or five times a day trying to get me to leave this bed. I’m now sorry I gave her a damn key to the place because all I want is to be left alone. “You have to eat. Come on.” I groan. I hate eating. I hate breathing for that matter. I thought the death of Dad was hard; this is a whole different kind of pain. One that has so many ‘what if…’ questions that it shreds my heart with each passing minute. I don’t even know why I exist anymore. At least with my baby, I had a purpose and a cause. Now, I have nothing.
“Jace is coming over to help me give you a shower. It’s either we give it to you or you take it yourself, but girl you are getting washed. You stink. And you are eating. I can see your damn bones Casey.”
I tune her out, close my eyes and will myself to sleep.
I’m coming to the realization fast that this pain in my chest will never go away. It’s so deeply embedded that nothing will help it or me. But I am trying to move. At least around the apartment. After Bella and Jace had given me their wonderful pep talks, I came to the conclusion that they weren’t going to leave me the hell alone and short of shooting them both, I needed to at least appear to want to get myself together.
But I refuse to go to classes. I told them I had a medical emergency and left it at that. My professors gave my assignments to Bella, but they sit on my desk untouched.
I’m never alone though. Either Bella or Jace is here at all times. I should be grateful to have them, but I’d really like it if they left me alone. They walk around on eggshells around me. Always giving each other looks and having some silent conversation between themselves. It feels like they want me to blow, but I have no desire to. There is no reason.
“What do ya want to do today?” Jace asks from the couch where he’s lounged with his feet up clicking through the channels on the TV. If I were in my right mind, I would tell him to get out and stop acting like this is his place. But I can’t and won’t.
“Nothing.” It’s my answer to his question every time he asks.
“Let’s watch a movie, you pick.” He pushes.
“No.” I walk around to the fridge, opening the door and closing it just
“You hung up on Casey?” His words stop me, but I brush them off.
“Nah. She’s better where she is.”
“Didn’t ask you that shit. We all know that women are better off away from us. Wanna tell me the real reason you lied?”
Fuck. How the hell did he fucking know about all that shit and when the hell did we turn into a bunch of fucking pussies talking about this? My nostrils flare and I clench my fists ready to fucking punch my brother, but when he continues, I freeze. “Look, since she left, you’ve been a miserable fuck. You do your job, party, but it’s not you. That shit’s gonna get you killed. Your fucking head is not in it.”
I can’t fucking argue with that. My head is everywhere other than where it should be at the moment. But everything’s fucking riding me hard. Rubbing my hands up and down my face, “I’ll be good.”
I swipe my hand across my face standing up. “I just need some fucking sleep.”
Nothing. I feel nothing inside like I’m a void of a person, a waste of flesh and bones. My heart has no feeling; its only purpose is to keep me alive for some reason. Lying in this bed, all I do is exist breathing in air and taking it away from someone else on the planet. I haven’t been to class at all this week and more than likely, won’t go next week either. What the hell’s the point? My baby is dead. Gone. And what’s worse, there isn’t even a body to bury. Nothing, like I never had a life in my body, never carried it for weeks, never grew attached. Nothing. I can’t go visit my baby like I do Dad. The baby just vanished like she was nothing in this world.
“Casey. You have to get out of bed.” Bella comes by four or five times a day trying to get me to leave this bed. I’m now sorry I gave her a damn key to the place because all I want is to be left alone. “You have to eat. Come on.” I groan. I hate eating. I hate breathing for that matter. I thought the death of Dad was hard; this is a whole different kind of pain. One that has so many ‘what if…’ questions that it shreds my heart with each passing minute. I don’t even know why I exist anymore. At least with my baby, I had a purpose and a cause. Now, I have nothing.
“Jace is coming over to help me give you a shower. It’s either we give it to you or you take it yourself, but girl you are getting washed. You stink. And you are eating. I can see your damn bones Casey.”
I tune her out, close my eyes and will myself to sleep.
I’m coming to the realization fast that this pain in my chest will never go away. It’s so deeply embedded that nothing will help it or me. But I am trying to move. At least around the apartment. After Bella and Jace had given me their wonderful pep talks, I came to the conclusion that they weren’t going to leave me the hell alone and short of shooting them both, I needed to at least appear to want to get myself together.
But I refuse to go to classes. I told them I had a medical emergency and left it at that. My professors gave my assignments to Bella, but they sit on my desk untouched.
I’m never alone though. Either Bella or Jace is here at all times. I should be grateful to have them, but I’d really like it if they left me alone. They walk around on eggshells around me. Always giving each other looks and having some silent conversation between themselves. It feels like they want me to blow, but I have no desire to. There is no reason.
“What do ya want to do today?” Jace asks from the couch where he’s lounged with his feet up clicking through the channels on the TV. If I were in my right mind, I would tell him to get out and stop acting like this is his place. But I can’t and won’t.
“Nothing.” It’s my answer to his question every time he asks.
“Let’s watch a movie, you pick.” He pushes.
“No.” I walk around to the fridge, opening the door and closing it just
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