Read Online Scarleton Series I : Before the Cult by Sandy Masia - Free Book Online Page A

letting go of long held guilt or confession of a burdensome
secret you had kept for so long to a loved one. I had never felt
better and worse in my life. “I wanted to kiss it, take his picture
and cum a dozen more times. Oh… it was beautiful. It was a
disgusting thought but I couldn’t help myself…I can’t help myself.
Like a porn addict who wants to stop. The only difference is that I
don’t want to stop.” I paused and wiped my tears with the back of
my hand and I could feel dirt on it. I realized I had been
unconsciously punching the ground. I could not hold my head up and
or face their eyes. The weight of the shame and the pain was
paralyzing. I felt like a crack-whore, dirty, ruined and helpless.
Hated every inch or thought of my being and my heart more for
sustaining the abomination I am.
    Hearts…mindless careless things , I thought.
    Macxermillio
unwrapped something, then gave it to me. It was slim and cold in
the weather. Unwrapped, it was a razor blade. “Takes the edge off,”
he told me.
    The warmth of
the fire was comforting like a blanket on a cold night, but the
razor blade was better comforter. The first cut across on my wrist
burned, the blood slowly seeped out. The most elegant thing I had
ever seen. Then the shawl of pain and shame slipped off like the
wind blows a hat off. I wanted more and the more I cut my wounds
seemed to heal. The five fresh scars on my wrist, oozing, was one
of the most enrapturing sights I had seen in the cosmos. It had to
just make one happy. I watched, fascinated as each drop soaked the
ground between my legs, if I could I would have devoured the soil
but I was transfixed.
    “The crop can
rid us of all this pain,” Maxcermillio told me.
    “How do you
know this?” I asked.
    “It is all
intuitive. The truth is we don’t know in what nature does it exist
but we have seen and felt enough to know it does exist”
    “Like
what?”
    “Those man’s
eyes, maybe. And how you have always felt a wrongness about you,
the world and the not belonging here. Like you are lost. Feeling
like something is hidden from you and your every move to find it is
hindered constantly because you are constantly watched.”
    “What are the
fields or the crop?” My heart hang for the answer.
    “That’s what we
need to uncover. I’m sorry I know only what I have told you and
nothing more.” He paused and gazed at my wrist. “The blade won’t
ever rid you of the pain, it is temporary but still even when most
of it is gone the afterglow of the pain can drive a man mad. It
might kill you doing it too much and we are not sure yet if that is
a way. Watch how much you cut as much as you can, as long as you
can, we lost our friend Calvin from the self-harm. He endured to
his limits and so can you. You have gotten this far alone, and now
you have us.”
     

Chapter
5

1
     
    We went up the
first flight of steps.
    “Remind me, is
this our fourth or fifth visit here? “Macfearson asked.
    Looked over my
shoulder. “Yeah. I think so.”
    “The agreement
was that you share with us what you learn. It’s either there is not
much help you are getting or you are being selfish.”
    It hard was to
tell what made me annoyed me the most, the fact that he was
alluding to how frustrating the sessions were and how smug his tone
was. The gloating kept me from giving up and admitting how wrong I
was or how bad the idea was starting to seem now. I simply couldn’t
give him that satisfaction. Macxermillio was not bothered by the
pace, it gave him time to delve into his notes on the ontology of
worlds and beings and to review the sampling and make better sense
of the calling. In his leather bound book, he kept with him, he
would scribble and scratch notes almost constantly. With my student
card he accessed a lot of resources and books from the university’s
main library. Other than that he was preoccupied with filling his
time with other habits in an attempt to tame his craving for blood.
For Macfearson