Read Online Sarah Vaughan is Not My Mother: A Memoir of Madness by MaryJane Thomson - Free Book Online Page A

bipolar.”
    I have never heard of schizoaffective disorder but it sounds slightly schizophrenic. “What is it?” I say.
    He continues on. “It falls across the schizophrenia and bipolar spectrum and can take quite some time to diagnose. That’s why we have been keeping you here so long. Your mother is coming in later today. Do you think you might speak to her?”
    I feel confused at so much information all at once. “I’ll see her but I don’t want to go back and live with her.”
    â€œWell, I’ll be informing her of your diagnosis.”
    â€œYou know your mother loves you, MaryJane,” Waris says. “She comes and visits you every day.”
    The other doctor leans forward. “We find people always recover better with family support.”
    â€œYeah, well I don’t need their support. I can look after myself. I just wish you would all let me feed myself, clothe myself, and live the way I want. She is not as nice as she looks and neither is my father,” I say, looking at Dr Aso. “You think wearing those clothes makes you better people? I don’t dress for you or society. Society can get fucked.”
    â€œYes, but if you live in society you have to cohabitate in a harmonious fashion and some of your habits run counter to that,” Dr Aso says. He looks as if he’s about to lose patience with me.
    â€œYeah, well, you’re believing every word they say and not listening to me. Can’t they see I’ve changed from how I was when I was younger? I’m not a baby any more.”
    Dr Aso leans forward in his chair. “You’re a very intelligent young woman,” he says. “You have to do something to help yourself.”
    Waris says, “We can’t let you out alone, MaryJane. You just go out and find drugs. It is a symptom of your illness that you self-medicate. If you don’t stop taking drugs, you will just fall into a pattern of getting in and getting out.”
    Getting into a pattern of getting in and out of institutions is something to be taken seriously. I know I haven’t listened to the doctors, just gone on believing I don’t have a problem. Being unwell has become a familiar state. I struggle with my mental health but never do anything to greatly address it. I don’t like the medication they make me take in hospital, so when I get out I stop taking it. I don’t build a trusting relationship with my psychiatrist. I tell lies about what I’ve been doing, put up a front and say I take the meds.
    A lot of people go back to taking drugs when they get out of here. You can end up in some pretty vulnerable states, and these ultimately lead you back in. I know how hard it is to stay out and break the pattern. I give in because it seems too hard, and a pattern only special people break.
    Being institutionalised knocks my confidence and makes me lose hope for the future. I feel I haven’t got what it takes to handle the world, and have forgotten what it is like to live normally. If only I could remember. When was the last time I felt positive about myself? When was the last time I thought I had done something well? It’s easy to lose faith in yourself and slip back to the bottom. At least down here there’s nothing hard. I can just stay here if I want.
    Dr Aso starts looking at my file, which is growing larger by the minute. He says, “If you take the drugs we give you and not the ones you get out there, you might not have to keep coming in here.”
    I start to feel uptight. “Yeah, but I don’t like the side effects of the Olanzapine. I hate my body being altered.”
    He smiles. “We have different drugs to give you, Lamotrigine and Haloperidol.”
    New drugs, I think to myself. “What are the side effects?”
    â€œWell, there is no weight gain.”
    â€œWill my breasts lactate?” A lot of psych drugs have this side effect.
    â€œNo, your breasts