Read Online Rock and Roll Will Save Your Life by Steve Almond - Free Book Online
Authors: Steve Almond
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thrilled to see the record companies properly fucked by the fans they’ve been fucking for years. I’ve rather enjoyed seeing musical equity return to its origins: live performance, those ancient rituals of collective listening.
Still, I can’t help but view our sonic innovations as part of a massive techno-irony loop. Music has become more pervasive and portable than ever. But it feels less precious in the bargain. I don’t want to confuse artistic and commercial value, but it’s just a fact that some kid who rips an album for free isn’t going to give it the same attention he would if it cost him ten bucks. At what point does convenience become spiritual indolence?
I realize this makes me sound like an old fart, but sometimes I get nostalgic for the days when the universe of recorded sound wasn’t at our fingertips, when we had to hunt and wait and—horror of horrors—do without, when our longing for a particular record or song made it feel sacred. I miss the part of Fanaticism that involves unrequited longing, if that makes any sense. 5
List #3
Rock’s Biggest Assholes
Compiled in the full knowledge that rock stars are paid to be assholes.
1. U2
Conceived of a concert tour mocking consumerism that was so grandiose and unimaginative it actually served as an advertisement for consumerism. At a show in Oslo, the quartet got trapped inside the giant mirrored lemon from which they were supposed to emerge. Tragically, they were rescued before they could eat each other.
2. Mick Jagger
Hey, Mick, how do you justify charging thousands of dollars for concert tickets? “It’s super-competitive out there. There’s a lot of tickets to move … It’s capitalism. It’s America. It’s 2005.”
Oh.
3. Madonna
Responds to criticism of her devotion to Kabbalah by stating, “It would be less controversial if I joined the Nazi Party.” I smell a career move!
4. The Beastie Boys
What’s most obnoxious: that they dumped their original drummer because she didn’t have a dick, that they appropriate the bankable parts of African-American culture, that they mock the rockers from whom they’ve stolen their best riffs, or that they now condemn misogyny after years of inspiring dudes to get trashed and paw women? I give up.
5. Pete Townshend
“I hope I die before I get old, or, at least, before I have to be propped up onstage and have large sticks attached to my arms so I can execute my trademark windmill guitar until such a time as my broker wires the proceeds directly to my dialysis machine.”
6. Toby Keith
How to Get Rich, the Toby Keith Way:
Respond to 9/11 by singing, “We’ll put a boot in your ass/It’s the American way.”
When asked six years later if you supported the Iraq War, respond, “Never did.”
Shill for Ford Trucks.
Do a pro wrestling show.
Remember not to laugh.
7. Kurt Cobain
Back in the early nineties Axl Rose twice asked Cobain if Nirvana would open for Guns N’ Roses. Kurt responded by telling reporters how pathetic and untalented GNR was. It’s hard to out-asshole Axl Rose, but you, dead sir, have done it!
8. Johnny Ramone
“Punk is right-wing.”
9. Ted Nugent
George W. Bush once took the Nuge by the shoulders and said, “Just keep doing what you’re doing.” What action was the former president endorsing?
a) Introducing the phrase “wang dang sweet poontang” into the cultural lexicon
b) Shitting in Saddam Hussein’s bidet
c) Suggesting an animal rights activist be clubbed like a baby harp seal
d) Failing to pay child support for a kid he’s never met
and
taking legal custody of the seventeen-year-old girl he was bedding
e) Please don’t make me think about either of these men
10. Scott Stapp
Jesus has agreed to forgive the former Creed singer his drug addiction, gun fetish, and domestic abuse if he stops making records.
5. As I write this, it occurs to me that I’ve forgotten one configuration, the radio, which dominated my early childhood. I
Still, I can’t help but view our sonic innovations as part of a massive techno-irony loop. Music has become more pervasive and portable than ever. But it feels less precious in the bargain. I don’t want to confuse artistic and commercial value, but it’s just a fact that some kid who rips an album for free isn’t going to give it the same attention he would if it cost him ten bucks. At what point does convenience become spiritual indolence?
I realize this makes me sound like an old fart, but sometimes I get nostalgic for the days when the universe of recorded sound wasn’t at our fingertips, when we had to hunt and wait and—horror of horrors—do without, when our longing for a particular record or song made it feel sacred. I miss the part of Fanaticism that involves unrequited longing, if that makes any sense. 5
List #3
Rock’s Biggest Assholes
Compiled in the full knowledge that rock stars are paid to be assholes.
1. U2
Conceived of a concert tour mocking consumerism that was so grandiose and unimaginative it actually served as an advertisement for consumerism. At a show in Oslo, the quartet got trapped inside the giant mirrored lemon from which they were supposed to emerge. Tragically, they were rescued before they could eat each other.
2. Mick Jagger
Hey, Mick, how do you justify charging thousands of dollars for concert tickets? “It’s super-competitive out there. There’s a lot of tickets to move … It’s capitalism. It’s America. It’s 2005.”
Oh.
3. Madonna
Responds to criticism of her devotion to Kabbalah by stating, “It would be less controversial if I joined the Nazi Party.” I smell a career move!
4. The Beastie Boys
What’s most obnoxious: that they dumped their original drummer because she didn’t have a dick, that they appropriate the bankable parts of African-American culture, that they mock the rockers from whom they’ve stolen their best riffs, or that they now condemn misogyny after years of inspiring dudes to get trashed and paw women? I give up.
5. Pete Townshend
“I hope I die before I get old, or, at least, before I have to be propped up onstage and have large sticks attached to my arms so I can execute my trademark windmill guitar until such a time as my broker wires the proceeds directly to my dialysis machine.”
6. Toby Keith
How to Get Rich, the Toby Keith Way:
Respond to 9/11 by singing, “We’ll put a boot in your ass/It’s the American way.”
When asked six years later if you supported the Iraq War, respond, “Never did.”
Shill for Ford Trucks.
Do a pro wrestling show.
Remember not to laugh.
7. Kurt Cobain
Back in the early nineties Axl Rose twice asked Cobain if Nirvana would open for Guns N’ Roses. Kurt responded by telling reporters how pathetic and untalented GNR was. It’s hard to out-asshole Axl Rose, but you, dead sir, have done it!
8. Johnny Ramone
“Punk is right-wing.”
9. Ted Nugent
George W. Bush once took the Nuge by the shoulders and said, “Just keep doing what you’re doing.” What action was the former president endorsing?
a) Introducing the phrase “wang dang sweet poontang” into the cultural lexicon
b) Shitting in Saddam Hussein’s bidet
c) Suggesting an animal rights activist be clubbed like a baby harp seal
d) Failing to pay child support for a kid he’s never met
and
taking legal custody of the seventeen-year-old girl he was bedding
e) Please don’t make me think about either of these men
10. Scott Stapp
Jesus has agreed to forgive the former Creed singer his drug addiction, gun fetish, and domestic abuse if he stops making records.
5. As I write this, it occurs to me that I’ve forgotten one configuration, the radio, which dominated my early childhood. I
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