months since she died!”
“Caroline please. There is something I wanted to discuss with you. Something important. Sit down please.”
I am torn between childishly storming out, and waiting to hear. I sit.
She locks her hands neatly on the table and looks directly at me, smudged green eyes enhancing her fragile heart shaped face. My mum doing her stern china doll look, with her delicate bone structure and pretty clothes. Taking a deep calming breath, I instruct myself to grow up and listen.
“Garry and I have become very close,” she begins nervously. Not so composed, now.
I really really hope she is not about to say they’re getting married.
“He has suggested we might like to live in Australia for a while. A couple of years actually. He’s been offered a teaching post, lecturing at a university in Sydney,” she grinds to a halt, waiting for me to say something.
I’m shocked out of my self-imposed silence, “Like, forever? Just leave here?”
“Not necessarily forever, we could see how it goes. The initial offer is for four years. You see, Caroline, I am not sure I can bear to stay here after Rose. I need to get away to move on. It would be a chance for both of us.”
“You didn’t move countries after Dad died, we just moved out of the army house, and you got over him okay.” Bitchy, I think.
“Just think about it Caroline.”
“Oh you do want me to come then? I thought you might want to just head off for your new life, just the two of you…” I can’t go on, and run from the room.
“Caroline! You must make your own decisions. You’re an adult now, not a child any longer, but we would love it if you came. Of course we would…” Her voice trails away as she realises, despite what she has just said I’ve just confirmed my childishness by storming out mid conversation.
My brain is spinning and I slam the bedroom door for good measure, and collapse on Rose’s bed, rubbing my burning cheeks. They want to move to the other side of the world? I don’t know what I think, I don’t want to have to deal with this! Something else nags me, something Mum said about grieving for Rose being the same as grieving for Dad, but it wasn’t.
Dad was a helicopter pilot in the army, and he was killed by a roadside bomb. Stuck in an armoured truck, that was transporting him and another crew to a remote base. Weird thing was I didn’t miss him for a bit. It was like he was just off on another tour of duty. It was weeks before it hit me he was never going to come through the door yelling “How’s my girls?” Smelling of sunshine and dust, tanned a deep gold, and totally exhausted. But still happy to have to small children jumping on the bed, dragging him out to funfairs, the beach (even in winter!) or for long walks in the woods. Then it hurt.
Dragging out the diary I double check the familiar bold scrawl, then I text Ashley;
‘Lorry – 0130 - ASH? Mean anything?’
With Rose it was instant, as soon as she didn’t come home that night I knew she wasn’t just staying over at a girlfriend’s, and when the police arrived to tell us, I had already known for almost five hours that she was dead. Because something in me died too, the way it never did with Dad. It’s funny that me and Rose were only eighteen months age difference, but she always seemed way older, my perfect big sister.
I snap up and grab Rose’s computer, logging onto LiveWire without a moment’s pause. I’ve just had an idea so good, and so scary it catches my breath. Plus whatever pathetic excuse Ashley comes up with I need to meet him. To think I felt sorry for him. Leo must have been right. They were dealing drugs; meeting a lorry on the road to get their..er…bag of pills? Except she didn’t die on any of the dates the lorry thing was marked….
Ignoring this, I’m fizzing with excitement as I quickly tap out Rose’s login details, luckily her password is saved. Leo was horrified when she confessed she scrawled all
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