my turn to shrug. “It’s your funeral.”
***
Being inside the hospital had the same tightening effect on my nerves that it had the night before. I couldn’t quite pin down what it was about the place that made me so jumpy. Maybe it was just the total loss of control I had difficulty coping with.
I knew from bitter experience that if you came in here as anything other than a visitor suddenly any personal freedom was stripped away. Complete strangers could come and rob you of your dignity any time they felt like it. They governed your sleep, your food and water, and your pain.
Making a conscious effort to relax, I led Jamie on towards the waiting area I’d occupied the night before. From there a nurse directed us to the female orthopaedic ward.
The male nurse at the ward entrance looked surprised when I mentioned her name. “She’s a popular lass today,” he remarked. And when we neared her bedside I found out what he meant.
Sean Meyer was sitting in a plastic visitor’s chair next to Clare’s bed and was chatting to her like it was the most natural thing in the world that he should be there.
I stopped dead and they both looked up at us. Clare was marginally less pale than she had been the night before, but it was a close-run thing.
They’d erected a framework around her bed like a minimalist four-poster. Wires stretched from it to pins that appeared, from this angle, to actually go right through her legs, like she was some kind of suspended executive toy. The equipment seemed medieval in its crudeness. I could almost believe that the pins I could see sticking out of her torso were penetrating her body completely, impaling her to the bed.
Jamie was silent next to me. When I glanced at him he was staring fixedly at Clare. He seemed to sense my gaze and looked away quickly. But for that unguarded moment his expression had been on full view and there was no mistaking its stricken quality. So he wasn’t quite as hard-faced about all this as his mates had been.
Then Sean stood up and I’m ashamed to admit that my attention was entirely diverted. He looked exactly the same as he had the last time I’d seen him. Tall and wide without ever being bulky, he nevertheless filled the narrow space between the bed and the window, exceeded it, even.
He was wearing black jeans and a black v-necked T-shirt that emphasised the shifting layers of muscle across his chest and shoulders but I knew it wasn’t intentional. He dressed more for comfort and necessity. There was no vanity to Sean.
“Hi,” I said, uncertain and a little defensive when I should have been nothing but grateful. “I didn’t expect you to come.”
I found I was clutching my Arai helmet against my body like a shield. My legs had started to tremble and I had the horrible feeling I was just about to burst into tears but I couldn’t understand why.
“I know you didn’t,” he said, eyeing me closely. He turned back to Clare with one of those slow smiles of his. “Would you excuse us for a moment?”
“Of course,” Clare said, her cheeks dimpling.
Sean just gave me time to dump my stuff down on an empty chair before he took my arm.
Jamie, meanwhile, had kept his head down during the exchange. Now, he edged round the pair of us and sat down quickly in the chair Sean had just vacated. I wasn’t sure if I needed to introduce Jacob’s son to Clare, but Sean was already ushering me towards the door and I didn’t get the chance.
We got as far as the waiting area where I’d spent so much time the previous day before he stopped and put both hands on my upper arms, turning me to face him.
“Are you OK?” he said, those near-black eyes skimming over my face like a laser targeting system.
“Yes, no – I don’t know,” I said helplessly and my eyes began to fill. I shook my head, annoyed with myself. “Sorry, I’ve been fine until now.”
“It’s OK,”
***
Being inside the hospital had the same tightening effect on my nerves that it had the night before. I couldn’t quite pin down what it was about the place that made me so jumpy. Maybe it was just the total loss of control I had difficulty coping with.
I knew from bitter experience that if you came in here as anything other than a visitor suddenly any personal freedom was stripped away. Complete strangers could come and rob you of your dignity any time they felt like it. They governed your sleep, your food and water, and your pain.
Making a conscious effort to relax, I led Jamie on towards the waiting area I’d occupied the night before. From there a nurse directed us to the female orthopaedic ward.
The male nurse at the ward entrance looked surprised when I mentioned her name. “She’s a popular lass today,” he remarked. And when we neared her bedside I found out what he meant.
Sean Meyer was sitting in a plastic visitor’s chair next to Clare’s bed and was chatting to her like it was the most natural thing in the world that he should be there.
I stopped dead and they both looked up at us. Clare was marginally less pale than she had been the night before, but it was a close-run thing.
They’d erected a framework around her bed like a minimalist four-poster. Wires stretched from it to pins that appeared, from this angle, to actually go right through her legs, like she was some kind of suspended executive toy. The equipment seemed medieval in its crudeness. I could almost believe that the pins I could see sticking out of her torso were penetrating her body completely, impaling her to the bed.
Jamie was silent next to me. When I glanced at him he was staring fixedly at Clare. He seemed to sense my gaze and looked away quickly. But for that unguarded moment his expression had been on full view and there was no mistaking its stricken quality. So he wasn’t quite as hard-faced about all this as his mates had been.
Then Sean stood up and I’m ashamed to admit that my attention was entirely diverted. He looked exactly the same as he had the last time I’d seen him. Tall and wide without ever being bulky, he nevertheless filled the narrow space between the bed and the window, exceeded it, even.
He was wearing black jeans and a black v-necked T-shirt that emphasised the shifting layers of muscle across his chest and shoulders but I knew it wasn’t intentional. He dressed more for comfort and necessity. There was no vanity to Sean.
“Hi,” I said, uncertain and a little defensive when I should have been nothing but grateful. “I didn’t expect you to come.”
I found I was clutching my Arai helmet against my body like a shield. My legs had started to tremble and I had the horrible feeling I was just about to burst into tears but I couldn’t understand why.
“I know you didn’t,” he said, eyeing me closely. He turned back to Clare with one of those slow smiles of his. “Would you excuse us for a moment?”
“Of course,” Clare said, her cheeks dimpling.
Sean just gave me time to dump my stuff down on an empty chair before he took my arm.
Jamie, meanwhile, had kept his head down during the exchange. Now, he edged round the pair of us and sat down quickly in the chair Sean had just vacated. I wasn’t sure if I needed to introduce Jacob’s son to Clare, but Sean was already ushering me towards the door and I didn’t get the chance.
We got as far as the waiting area where I’d spent so much time the previous day before he stopped and put both hands on my upper arms, turning me to face him.
“Are you OK?” he said, those near-black eyes skimming over my face like a laser targeting system.
“Yes, no – I don’t know,” I said helplessly and my eyes began to fill. I shook my head, annoyed with myself. “Sorry, I’ve been fine until now.”
“It’s OK,”
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