screeched. 'You need a SHRINK! No—you need an agony aunt!'
'Now you know what it was like living with Ed!' I said grimly as I gave Rudy a grape.
'Er, yes. '
'Imagine having to listen to all those vile and untrue things!'
'You've got problems, Rose!' Rudy squawked. 'And will you stop stop STOP tidying up!'
'Ridiculous!' I said, as I reached for my Marigolds and began cleaning out his cage.
'Er… you'd better not let prospective men hear him, ' said Bea carefully, as I disposed of the newspaper.
'Hmm. '
'It might, you know, put them off. '
Over supper—I'd bought a quiche and a bag of salad—the conversation turned to cash. The twins want to find a shop.
'We need premises, ' said Bea. 'They don't have to be big, but that way we'll get passing trade. We're on the look-out in Kensington but it's bloody expensive and we don't have much cash. '
'Nor do I, ' I said vehemently. 'I've hugely over-extended myself. I got my first mortgage statement this morning—it's going to be nine hundred quid a month. '
'Christ, that's a
lot
of money for one person, ' said Bella.
'Yes. ' I felt sick. 'I
know
!
'But you must have known that when you bought it?' she added.
'I was too distressed to give it much thought. '
'Have you got the money?' asked Bea.
'Just about. It'll be fine if I never eat anything, never buy anything, never have a holiday and never, ever go out. Nine hundred pounds, ' I groaned. 'I'll be totally broke. I could try and get another column, ' I mused.
'No, ' said Bea firmly. 'You work hard enough as it is. '
'Then I'll have to raid a bank. Or win the lottery; or get lucky with a premium bond. '
'Or get a flatmate, ' suggested Bella. I looked at her. 'Get a flatmate and you'll be fine. '
'Yes, get a flatmate, ' said Bea. How weird—they were agreeing! 'A flatmate would really help. '
'But I couldn't bear living with anyone else after Ed. '
'You couldn't bear living
with
Ed, ' Bea pointed out. 'So how could a flatmate be worse?'
'Rose, ' said Bella. 'Get a lodger—you've got that big spare room on the top floor. You could find some nice girl. '
'But I'm too old for flatsharing, ' I wailed. 'Having to write "Rose Costelloe" on all my eggs, drawing up a rota for the washing up, bitching about who's turn it is to hoover.
'You love hoovering!'
'… and arguing about the phone! I'm just not prepared to live the student life again, ' I shuddered.
'But, Rose, ' said Bea slowly, 'you never did. ' This was true. I was set to read Art History at Sussex, but flunked my 'A' levels: as I say, I had a shock at eighteen.
'We think you should get a flatmate, ' the twins repeated, in unison.
'Absolutely not, ' I replied.
The following morning I received this.
Dear Rose, I have a problem which is bothering me and I'm wondering if you can help. One of my most valued customers has greatly exceeded her overdraft. The debt is currently £3, 913. 28 against agreed borrowing of £2, 000. I don't want to be too heavy about it because I know that she's just moved house. But at the same time I feel that she ought to try and sort out her finances a bit. As you can imagine, I'm much too embarrassed to mention this to her myself so was wondering if you could help. Do you have any suggestions as to how this important client of mine might reduce her debt? Thank you so much for your advice in this delicate matter, Rose, and I look forward to your reply. Yours truly, Alan Drew (Branch Manager), Nat West Bank, Ashford. PS. Please do not print.
Holy shit! Nearly four grand! That did it. The twins were right.
Dear Mr Drew
, I wrote.
Thank you for your recent letter and I'm so sorry to hear that you've been having this problem with such a valued customer. How thoughtless of her to let things get out of hand like that! As it happens I do have an idea which I'll discuss with her, and I'm confident that her debt will soon be reduced
.
I sealed it, stamped it and posted it, then phoned the
Camberwell Times
.
When I opened the
'Now you know what it was like living with Ed!' I said grimly as I gave Rudy a grape.
'Er, yes. '
'Imagine having to listen to all those vile and untrue things!'
'You've got problems, Rose!' Rudy squawked. 'And will you stop stop STOP tidying up!'
'Ridiculous!' I said, as I reached for my Marigolds and began cleaning out his cage.
'Er… you'd better not let prospective men hear him, ' said Bea carefully, as I disposed of the newspaper.
'Hmm. '
'It might, you know, put them off. '
Over supper—I'd bought a quiche and a bag of salad—the conversation turned to cash. The twins want to find a shop.
'We need premises, ' said Bea. 'They don't have to be big, but that way we'll get passing trade. We're on the look-out in Kensington but it's bloody expensive and we don't have much cash. '
'Nor do I, ' I said vehemently. 'I've hugely over-extended myself. I got my first mortgage statement this morning—it's going to be nine hundred quid a month. '
'Christ, that's a
lot
of money for one person, ' said Bella.
'Yes. ' I felt sick. 'I
know
!
'But you must have known that when you bought it?' she added.
'I was too distressed to give it much thought. '
'Have you got the money?' asked Bea.
'Just about. It'll be fine if I never eat anything, never buy anything, never have a holiday and never, ever go out. Nine hundred pounds, ' I groaned. 'I'll be totally broke. I could try and get another column, ' I mused.
'No, ' said Bea firmly. 'You work hard enough as it is. '
'Then I'll have to raid a bank. Or win the lottery; or get lucky with a premium bond. '
'Or get a flatmate, ' suggested Bella. I looked at her. 'Get a flatmate and you'll be fine. '
'Yes, get a flatmate, ' said Bea. How weird—they were agreeing! 'A flatmate would really help. '
'But I couldn't bear living with anyone else after Ed. '
'You couldn't bear living
with
Ed, ' Bea pointed out. 'So how could a flatmate be worse?'
'Rose, ' said Bella. 'Get a lodger—you've got that big spare room on the top floor. You could find some nice girl. '
'But I'm too old for flatsharing, ' I wailed. 'Having to write "Rose Costelloe" on all my eggs, drawing up a rota for the washing up, bitching about who's turn it is to hoover.
'You love hoovering!'
'… and arguing about the phone! I'm just not prepared to live the student life again, ' I shuddered.
'But, Rose, ' said Bea slowly, 'you never did. ' This was true. I was set to read Art History at Sussex, but flunked my 'A' levels: as I say, I had a shock at eighteen.
'We think you should get a flatmate, ' the twins repeated, in unison.
'Absolutely not, ' I replied.
The following morning I received this.
Dear Rose, I have a problem which is bothering me and I'm wondering if you can help. One of my most valued customers has greatly exceeded her overdraft. The debt is currently £3, 913. 28 against agreed borrowing of £2, 000. I don't want to be too heavy about it because I know that she's just moved house. But at the same time I feel that she ought to try and sort out her finances a bit. As you can imagine, I'm much too embarrassed to mention this to her myself so was wondering if you could help. Do you have any suggestions as to how this important client of mine might reduce her debt? Thank you so much for your advice in this delicate matter, Rose, and I look forward to your reply. Yours truly, Alan Drew (Branch Manager), Nat West Bank, Ashford. PS. Please do not print.
Holy shit! Nearly four grand! That did it. The twins were right.
Dear Mr Drew
, I wrote.
Thank you for your recent letter and I'm so sorry to hear that you've been having this problem with such a valued customer. How thoughtless of her to let things get out of hand like that! As it happens I do have an idea which I'll discuss with her, and I'm confident that her debt will soon be reduced
.
I sealed it, stamped it and posted it, then phoned the
Camberwell Times
.
When I opened the
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