how it happened.”
“What do you mean?”
“I wasn’t watching him that night. I left to pick up my girlfriend, and I didn’t even check on him when I got back. Or at all. I don’t even real y know when he snuck out. Then, when he called, I bitched about having to pick him up. I yelled at him on the ride home, tel ing him what a worthless pain in the ass he was.” I took a deep breath, then spit out the rest of it, to get the bitter taste off my tongue. “That’s the last thing he heard before that asshole slammed into us. The truth is that if I’d been watching him, he wouldn’t have been on that road in the first place.”
At first, she could only stare at me, trying to process everything. “So you…?”
“So when the reaper spelled it out for me, I had to do it. I couldn’t let me yel ing at him be the last thing he ever heard.”
“I can’t believe you did that.…” She scrubbed her face with both hands, and stray curls tumbled over them, effectively blocking me out. I had no idea what she was thinking or feeling.
My heart dropped into my stomach, and the tone of my entire afterlife suddenly seemed to depend on what she said next. On the judgment I would surely see in her eyes. Her hands fell from her face slowly and my mother stared at me through layers of pain and regret I couldn’t imagine. “I don’t think you even understand what you gave up for him. I don’t think you will, until we’re both long gone.”
“I don’t think you understand.” My own guilt was a strong, steady pressure on my chest, slowly compressing my lungs, sending an ache through my heart. “This wasn’t some noble gesture, Mom. I wouldn’t have had to save him if I hadn’t put him in the path of that car in the first place. I just needed you both to know that it wasn’t his fault. I made the call.”
Finally she nodded, though she looked like she wanted to argue. “Thank you. For al of it.”
I stood to go—I’d had all the post-death reunion I could stand for one day—and she stood with me.
“Are you going to get in trouble for this?” she asked. Translation: Am I going to lose you again?
“I don’t think so. My supervisor’s pretty cool, for a dead kid. He brought me here the other night, and I’m pretty sure he knows where I am now. If I get caught by someone else, he’l deny knowledge, but he’s not gonna bust me himself.”
In retrospect, I’d realized what Levi obviously understood from the start.
Watching my family mourn wouldn’t make me want to let them go. It would make me want to keep them close—and that was the only benefit worth accepting the job for.
“In that case, don’t be a stranger.” Her eyes teared up again and she sniffled, pulling me close for a hug. “It can’t be like it was before, but you’re welcome here any time.”
Relief eased some of the sting from our bittersweet reunion. That was exactly what I’d needed to hear.
“Do you want to talk to Nash?”
I shook my head firmly. “Not now. I’ll show myself eventually, but I’m not ready yet.” This soon after the accident, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to keep the truth from him. He’d know something was weird— something beyond his brother’s less-than-triumphant return from the grave—and I wouldn’t be able to lie convincingly enough to cover it up.
“Okay.” Mom squeezed me one more time, then let me go. “But don’t drag it out too long. The longer you wait, the more jarring it’ll be for him.”
But what she didn’t say—what we both knew—was that no matter how jarring my return was for my little brother, it couldn’t be more jarring than waking up ten days postmortem in the clothes he was buried in. Nash would never know what that felt like.
Nor would he ever know that what was supposed to be the end of his life became the beginning of my afterlife instead.
Eleven months and ten days after my first nursing home rotation, I blinked into the hospital’s ER to find Levi
“What do you mean?”
“I wasn’t watching him that night. I left to pick up my girlfriend, and I didn’t even check on him when I got back. Or at all. I don’t even real y know when he snuck out. Then, when he called, I bitched about having to pick him up. I yelled at him on the ride home, tel ing him what a worthless pain in the ass he was.” I took a deep breath, then spit out the rest of it, to get the bitter taste off my tongue. “That’s the last thing he heard before that asshole slammed into us. The truth is that if I’d been watching him, he wouldn’t have been on that road in the first place.”
At first, she could only stare at me, trying to process everything. “So you…?”
“So when the reaper spelled it out for me, I had to do it. I couldn’t let me yel ing at him be the last thing he ever heard.”
“I can’t believe you did that.…” She scrubbed her face with both hands, and stray curls tumbled over them, effectively blocking me out. I had no idea what she was thinking or feeling.
My heart dropped into my stomach, and the tone of my entire afterlife suddenly seemed to depend on what she said next. On the judgment I would surely see in her eyes. Her hands fell from her face slowly and my mother stared at me through layers of pain and regret I couldn’t imagine. “I don’t think you even understand what you gave up for him. I don’t think you will, until we’re both long gone.”
“I don’t think you understand.” My own guilt was a strong, steady pressure on my chest, slowly compressing my lungs, sending an ache through my heart. “This wasn’t some noble gesture, Mom. I wouldn’t have had to save him if I hadn’t put him in the path of that car in the first place. I just needed you both to know that it wasn’t his fault. I made the call.”
Finally she nodded, though she looked like she wanted to argue. “Thank you. For al of it.”
I stood to go—I’d had all the post-death reunion I could stand for one day—and she stood with me.
“Are you going to get in trouble for this?” she asked. Translation: Am I going to lose you again?
“I don’t think so. My supervisor’s pretty cool, for a dead kid. He brought me here the other night, and I’m pretty sure he knows where I am now. If I get caught by someone else, he’l deny knowledge, but he’s not gonna bust me himself.”
In retrospect, I’d realized what Levi obviously understood from the start.
Watching my family mourn wouldn’t make me want to let them go. It would make me want to keep them close—and that was the only benefit worth accepting the job for.
“In that case, don’t be a stranger.” Her eyes teared up again and she sniffled, pulling me close for a hug. “It can’t be like it was before, but you’re welcome here any time.”
Relief eased some of the sting from our bittersweet reunion. That was exactly what I’d needed to hear.
“Do you want to talk to Nash?”
I shook my head firmly. “Not now. I’ll show myself eventually, but I’m not ready yet.” This soon after the accident, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to keep the truth from him. He’d know something was weird— something beyond his brother’s less-than-triumphant return from the grave—and I wouldn’t be able to lie convincingly enough to cover it up.
“Okay.” Mom squeezed me one more time, then let me go. “But don’t drag it out too long. The longer you wait, the more jarring it’ll be for him.”
But what she didn’t say—what we both knew—was that no matter how jarring my return was for my little brother, it couldn’t be more jarring than waking up ten days postmortem in the clothes he was buried in. Nash would never know what that felt like.
Nor would he ever know that what was supposed to be the end of his life became the beginning of my afterlife instead.
Eleven months and ten days after my first nursing home rotation, I blinked into the hospital’s ER to find Levi
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