nookie” is what she’s trying to say.’
‘What counts as old-fashioned?’
‘Oh, anything involving intromission.’
‘Isn’t that a horrible word?’
‘I was told a story about Lady Diana Cooper. Or was it Nancy Mitford? One or the other, anyway, posh. And they were – she was – on a transatlantic liner and whichever of them it was fucked one of the stewards one evening. And the next morning he ran into her in the fo’c’sle or whatever and said hello in a friendly way –’
‘As one would.’
‘As one would. And she replied, “Intromission is not introduction.”’
‘Ah, doncha love our upper classes? There’ll always be an England.’
‘That sort of story makes me want to stand on the table and sing “The Red Flag”.’
‘“The Ruby Flag”.’
‘You’re all avoiding my question.’
‘How can we be if we can’t remember it?’
‘Then shame on you.’
‘It’s not really the alcohol, or the lack of caffeine, it’s not even the tiredness. It’s more that by the time we get home we’re what we in our house call TFTF.’
‘An acronym you are about to deconstruct.’
‘Too Fat To Fuck.’
‘Talk about secrets of the bedchamber.’
‘You remember Jerry?’
‘The guy with the plastic testicules ?’
‘I thought you’d remember that detail. Well, Jerry was abroad for a few months, and Kate – his wife – started getting worried that her tummy was a bit on the fat side. And she wanted to be in perfect shape for Jerry’s return, so she went to a plastic surgeon and asked about liposuction. And the guy said yes, he could give her a flattie again …’
‘A flattie?’
‘I paraphrase the medispeak. The only downside, he said, was that she wouldn’t, as he so tactfully put it, be able to take any weight on her stomach for quite a number of weeks.’
‘Oh-oh. Posterior intromission only.’
‘Don’t you think, actually, that’s a story about true love?’
‘Unless it’s a story about female insecurity.’
‘Hands up all those who might like to know the derivation of the word “marmalade”.’
‘I thought you’d been a long time having a pee.’
‘It’s nothing to do with Marie malade . It comes from some Greek word meaning a kind of apple grafted on to a quince.’
‘All the great etymologies are wrong.’
‘You mean, you’ve got another example?’
‘Well, posh .’
‘Port out, starboard home, best accommodation to and from India, quarters on the side sheltered from the sun. Word applied to Lady Diana Cooper and Nancy Mitford.’
‘Afraid not. “Origin unknown”.’
‘That’s not a derivation, “origin unknown”.’
‘It says, “Possibly connected to a Romany word for money.”’
‘That’s most unsatisfactory.’
‘Sorry to be a spoilsport.’
‘Do you think that’s another national characteristic?’
‘Being a spoilsport?’
‘No. Inventing fanciful derivations and acronyms.’
‘Perhaps UK really stands for something else.’
‘Uro Konvergence.’
‘It’s not that late, is it?’
‘Maybe it doesn’t stand for anything at all.’
‘It’s an allegory.’
‘Or a metaphor.’
‘Will someone please explain the difference between a simile and a metaphor?’
‘A simile’s … more similar. A metaphor’s more … metaphorical.’
‘Thanks.’
‘It’s a question of convergence, as the prime minister put it. At the moment, the euro and the pound are miles apart, so their relationship is metaphorical. Maybe even metaphysical. Then they become close, like similes, and there’s convergence.’
‘And we finally become Europeans.’
‘And live happily ever after.’
‘Teaching them all about marmalade.’
‘Why didn’t you guys join the euro, as a matter of fact?’
‘We had the introduction, we just didn’t want the intromission.’
‘We were too fat to fuck at the time.’
‘Too fat to be fucked. By some lean and hungry Eurocrat.’
‘I think we should join on St Valentine’s
‘What counts as old-fashioned?’
‘Oh, anything involving intromission.’
‘Isn’t that a horrible word?’
‘I was told a story about Lady Diana Cooper. Or was it Nancy Mitford? One or the other, anyway, posh. And they were – she was – on a transatlantic liner and whichever of them it was fucked one of the stewards one evening. And the next morning he ran into her in the fo’c’sle or whatever and said hello in a friendly way –’
‘As one would.’
‘As one would. And she replied, “Intromission is not introduction.”’
‘Ah, doncha love our upper classes? There’ll always be an England.’
‘That sort of story makes me want to stand on the table and sing “The Red Flag”.’
‘“The Ruby Flag”.’
‘You’re all avoiding my question.’
‘How can we be if we can’t remember it?’
‘Then shame on you.’
‘It’s not really the alcohol, or the lack of caffeine, it’s not even the tiredness. It’s more that by the time we get home we’re what we in our house call TFTF.’
‘An acronym you are about to deconstruct.’
‘Too Fat To Fuck.’
‘Talk about secrets of the bedchamber.’
‘You remember Jerry?’
‘The guy with the plastic testicules ?’
‘I thought you’d remember that detail. Well, Jerry was abroad for a few months, and Kate – his wife – started getting worried that her tummy was a bit on the fat side. And she wanted to be in perfect shape for Jerry’s return, so she went to a plastic surgeon and asked about liposuction. And the guy said yes, he could give her a flattie again …’
‘A flattie?’
‘I paraphrase the medispeak. The only downside, he said, was that she wouldn’t, as he so tactfully put it, be able to take any weight on her stomach for quite a number of weeks.’
‘Oh-oh. Posterior intromission only.’
‘Don’t you think, actually, that’s a story about true love?’
‘Unless it’s a story about female insecurity.’
‘Hands up all those who might like to know the derivation of the word “marmalade”.’
‘I thought you’d been a long time having a pee.’
‘It’s nothing to do with Marie malade . It comes from some Greek word meaning a kind of apple grafted on to a quince.’
‘All the great etymologies are wrong.’
‘You mean, you’ve got another example?’
‘Well, posh .’
‘Port out, starboard home, best accommodation to and from India, quarters on the side sheltered from the sun. Word applied to Lady Diana Cooper and Nancy Mitford.’
‘Afraid not. “Origin unknown”.’
‘That’s not a derivation, “origin unknown”.’
‘It says, “Possibly connected to a Romany word for money.”’
‘That’s most unsatisfactory.’
‘Sorry to be a spoilsport.’
‘Do you think that’s another national characteristic?’
‘Being a spoilsport?’
‘No. Inventing fanciful derivations and acronyms.’
‘Perhaps UK really stands for something else.’
‘Uro Konvergence.’
‘It’s not that late, is it?’
‘Maybe it doesn’t stand for anything at all.’
‘It’s an allegory.’
‘Or a metaphor.’
‘Will someone please explain the difference between a simile and a metaphor?’
‘A simile’s … more similar. A metaphor’s more … metaphorical.’
‘Thanks.’
‘It’s a question of convergence, as the prime minister put it. At the moment, the euro and the pound are miles apart, so their relationship is metaphorical. Maybe even metaphysical. Then they become close, like similes, and there’s convergence.’
‘And we finally become Europeans.’
‘And live happily ever after.’
‘Teaching them all about marmalade.’
‘Why didn’t you guys join the euro, as a matter of fact?’
‘We had the introduction, we just didn’t want the intromission.’
‘We were too fat to fuck at the time.’
‘Too fat to be fucked. By some lean and hungry Eurocrat.’
‘I think we should join on St Valentine’s
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