Read Online Pray for Darkness by Virginia Locke - Free Book Online Page A

old enough to fantasize about such things.
    I used to think that the worst thing that could happen was that I’d never have her. That thought drove me crazy. I hated my brother so damn much for taking her way from me, and then I hated myself for being selfish. After that it wasn’t very long before I hated this unrequited love almost as much as I clung to it. I prayed that she’d one day break his heart and she’d turn to me. That it would be him alone in his room, haunted by images of my body and hers twisting together, holding his pillow and staring at the ceiling as he imagined how it would feel to hold her soft, damp body next to his after making love to it.
    I would have gone behind his back at any time to have this. If I’d had the opportunity, I wouldn’t have even thought twice about it. No matter how much I loved him, I wanted her more. I’d loved her before he did. That was my justification, my claim. I thought I’d do anything, anything at all, if it meant I could have her.
    And I guess I was right.
    That was what scared me most—that I truly had no limits. I’d become a monster if it meant she’d let me touch her. I had become a monster. Maybe there was a better way. Maybe, if I wasn’t so damn desperate, I could have found it instead of hurting her.
    My hands flex. I almost touch her shoulders, but luckily stop myself just in time. I can’t bring myself to touch that beautiful, soft body I’d always dreamed of touching. Not when I’d treated it so cruelly, and not when she’d wanted me to.
    I get off the mattress. She doesn’t move. Doesn’t even glance my way as I step into my jeans and zip them up. Well, if she isn’t going to look at me, I’m not going to look at her either. It’s a childish impulse, but one I can’t stop.
    So instead of looking at her, I step toward the drawn metal blinds and stuck two fingers in between them to create a small hole. I stare out it at the distant city lights peeking above the trees for what seems like forever.
    Forever is a long time, and a hell of a long time to go without a cigarette. I reach into my pocket.
    “Are you gonna smoke?”
    I freeze. “Yeah,” I say hesitantly. “You want one?”
    “Don’t smoke in here.”
    Me smoking never bothered her before, but oh well. I sigh and look out the window again, and when I can’t take it anymore I look back at her.
    Her back is to me. She’s looking at the wall. Looking at nothing. A beautiful shadow falls below her left shoulder blade over her delicate spine. She’s so thin that it looks otherworldly, almost like it’s really a wing.
    I wish I could draw it. I wish I could run my lips up her spine, kissing that shadow. I want to feel her heart beat faster beneath my mouth. I want to feel her tremble as she moans with pleasure beneath my hands.
    I want, and I want, and I want. I don’t want to want anymore. Wanting doesn’t help me or her. Never, in all the years I spent alone yearning, did I wish that I could stop loving her more than I do right now.
    “Put on some clothes.”
    ***
    Sasha
    His cruel, cold words slice through me.
    Put on some clothes.
    Spoken like I’m distasteful. Like he can see all the dirty pieces inside me. Like he’s really saying, Put on some clothes so I don’t have to look at you. You’re stained and disgusting. You need to cover your filthy skin.
    I hug my chest.
    I hear footsteps behind me, going further away. Is he going to leave?
    A door swings open. Dim light spills out, making my shadow on the wall more prominent. His footsteps sound a little louder on the vinyl. He turns on the sink.
    There’s splashing for a few moments. He’s probably washing his face. Then, he turns off the water, and nothing.
    Is he staring at himself in the mirror, wondering what he’s become? Or is he just watching the water drip from his face into the sink, trying not to look at his face or think about what I just made him do?
    Footsteps again. He turns off the light. I hear him make