jollity. ‘You’ll probably meet some young planter out there with pots of money.’
‘I don’t want any young planter.’ I stared at her. ‘You know something else, don’t you? What is it, Susan? Tell me!’
She looked at me, obviously in two minds.
‘He called.’
‘When?’
‘Just before the Master was took bad.’
‘Why was I not told?’
‘Been forgotten in all the confusion.’ She hesitated, unsure whether to go on. ‘There was a note, though,’ she said, finally. ‘From him.’
I felt my expectation unfurling from the place where I had folded it away.
‘When? What did it say?’
‘T’other day. What it said, I couldn’t say. Missis got hold of it and threw it in the back of the fire. Said that what you didn’t know wouldn’t hurt you. Notes from him would only put ideas in your head and encourage you to do summat stupid.’
‘But you could still have told me!’
‘She said if you found out, she’d know who’d told you, and she’d dismiss me.’ Susan began to cry, dabbed at her eyes with her apron.
I reached for my writing things. ‘Perhaps it’s not too late. I could send a note to William.’
‘There’d be no point.’ Susan sniffed and shook her head. ‘Navy left for Portsmouth this morning. Cook told me. Her Noah is serving on one of the ships. I am sorry, Miss, truly! But there’s nothing you can do!’
She was right. I could do nothing to prevent what was happening to me, so I helped to sort my summer clothes, taking them out of their presses ready to be packed into trunks. As I worked, I tried to put William out of my mind, but how could I? Where was he? What would he think of me? To send word, and yet to receive no reply? I certainly would have run away with him, if I had known, if the chance had been offered to me. My life seemed blighted. Bleak as a winter’s day.
I didn’t blame Susan. She had been a true friend, and I didn’t want to think ill of her. I even gave her some trifles of jewellery: a pearl brooch that she’d always fancied, along with a coral necklace and matching earrings.
Perhaps Mrs Wilkes sensed a change in me, or perhaps she felt sorry now for what she had done, for that night she treated me differently. She poured chocolate from her special silver pot and talked about my new life in Jamaica and what would be expected of me. It was as if I had crossed some kind of line, some invisible divide between girl and womanhood.
‘It’s a shock for a young girl ... ’ She paused, pleating her skirt with her fingers. ‘Especially at first. Not at all what one expects. Takes some getting used to ... ’
‘I’m sure,’ I said, thinking that she was still talking about life on a plantation.
‘I’m the nearest thing you have to a mother, so it rests on me ... ’ She paused again.
I looked at her expectantly. She was rarely at a loss for something to say.
‘But he’s hardly ever at home, so I hear,’ she finished. ‘So he shouldn’t bother you over much.’
She hurried off to organise Susan and to supervise the last of the packing. I followed after her and the conversation went out of my mind. In the morning, I would be departing. I had other things to think about. Anyway, I thought that she was talking about Joseph. And since when had he bothered me?
It draws a bitter laugh, even now, to think that I was ever so naive.
g
g
Chapter 8
I don’t know how many days I kept to my cabin, confined by seasickness and general wretchedness. The steward, Abe Reynolds, came and went, bringing me food I couldn’t even look at without wanting to heave.
‘You got to eat, Miss,’ he said, tugging at one of his long earlobes and looking aggrieved as I rejected yet another little delicacy meant to tempt me. ‘Perhaps you’re in need of some air. Ship’s steady now. Wind’s set fair. How about a turn on the deck? Other passengers find it quite a reviver.’
I told him I had no desire for company of any sort.
‘Prefer your own, do
‘I don’t want any young planter.’ I stared at her. ‘You know something else, don’t you? What is it, Susan? Tell me!’
She looked at me, obviously in two minds.
‘He called.’
‘When?’
‘Just before the Master was took bad.’
‘Why was I not told?’
‘Been forgotten in all the confusion.’ She hesitated, unsure whether to go on. ‘There was a note, though,’ she said, finally. ‘From him.’
I felt my expectation unfurling from the place where I had folded it away.
‘When? What did it say?’
‘T’other day. What it said, I couldn’t say. Missis got hold of it and threw it in the back of the fire. Said that what you didn’t know wouldn’t hurt you. Notes from him would only put ideas in your head and encourage you to do summat stupid.’
‘But you could still have told me!’
‘She said if you found out, she’d know who’d told you, and she’d dismiss me.’ Susan began to cry, dabbed at her eyes with her apron.
I reached for my writing things. ‘Perhaps it’s not too late. I could send a note to William.’
‘There’d be no point.’ Susan sniffed and shook her head. ‘Navy left for Portsmouth this morning. Cook told me. Her Noah is serving on one of the ships. I am sorry, Miss, truly! But there’s nothing you can do!’
She was right. I could do nothing to prevent what was happening to me, so I helped to sort my summer clothes, taking them out of their presses ready to be packed into trunks. As I worked, I tried to put William out of my mind, but how could I? Where was he? What would he think of me? To send word, and yet to receive no reply? I certainly would have run away with him, if I had known, if the chance had been offered to me. My life seemed blighted. Bleak as a winter’s day.
I didn’t blame Susan. She had been a true friend, and I didn’t want to think ill of her. I even gave her some trifles of jewellery: a pearl brooch that she’d always fancied, along with a coral necklace and matching earrings.
Perhaps Mrs Wilkes sensed a change in me, or perhaps she felt sorry now for what she had done, for that night she treated me differently. She poured chocolate from her special silver pot and talked about my new life in Jamaica and what would be expected of me. It was as if I had crossed some kind of line, some invisible divide between girl and womanhood.
‘It’s a shock for a young girl ... ’ She paused, pleating her skirt with her fingers. ‘Especially at first. Not at all what one expects. Takes some getting used to ... ’
‘I’m sure,’ I said, thinking that she was still talking about life on a plantation.
‘I’m the nearest thing you have to a mother, so it rests on me ... ’ She paused again.
I looked at her expectantly. She was rarely at a loss for something to say.
‘But he’s hardly ever at home, so I hear,’ she finished. ‘So he shouldn’t bother you over much.’
She hurried off to organise Susan and to supervise the last of the packing. I followed after her and the conversation went out of my mind. In the morning, I would be departing. I had other things to think about. Anyway, I thought that she was talking about Joseph. And since when had he bothered me?
It draws a bitter laugh, even now, to think that I was ever so naive.
g
g
Chapter 8
I don’t know how many days I kept to my cabin, confined by seasickness and general wretchedness. The steward, Abe Reynolds, came and went, bringing me food I couldn’t even look at without wanting to heave.
‘You got to eat, Miss,’ he said, tugging at one of his long earlobes and looking aggrieved as I rejected yet another little delicacy meant to tempt me. ‘Perhaps you’re in need of some air. Ship’s steady now. Wind’s set fair. How about a turn on the deck? Other passengers find it quite a reviver.’
I told him I had no desire for company of any sort.
‘Prefer your own, do
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