Read Online Pigeon English by Stephen Kelman - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Stephen Kelman
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it means she’s slack. Everybody agrees.
Miquita kept showing me her dancing. I didn’t want to watch it. She kept shaking her behind in my face. Adjei, I just had to give up. I went to my room to put the CD player on (only a fiver from the watch doctor at the market). Ofori Amponsah makes the best music for burying Miquita’s stupid voice with.
Miquita: ‘Where you going Harri, you gonna make your lips nice and soft for me? You wanna borrow my Chapstick?’
Me: ‘No thanks, Pigface! I’d rather kiss my own behind!’
Asweh, Miquita looks stupid in her costume. It makes her boobs look too close up like they’re going to jump out and eat you. I even wish there was no such thing as boobs, then you wouldn’t want to squeeze them all the time.
I only had to come out again to greet the chief, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Miquita was going. She gave Lydia a Nisa bag. They were looking inside it like it was some kind of crazy treasure. When she saw me she tried to hide it but it was too late. Both the two of them made a face like I’d broken some special secret. Then Miquita just split. Lydia put the bag in the black sack with the washing. She poked her head outside and started looking around like for enemies.
Lydia: ‘Stay there, I won’t be long.’
Me: ‘Are you going to the launderette? I’m coming! I go beat you at the washing game again.’
Lydia: ‘Too late!’
Lydia shut the door in my face. I wasn’t going to take it lying down: I counted to ten, then I opened the door proper slow. I saw the lift doors closing. I ran down the stairs and watched Lydia get out at the ground floor. I followed her proper carefully all the way to the launderette. I hid around the corner where I could still see through the window.
Nobody else was in there. Lydia took just the things from the Nisa bag and put them in my favourite machine. Then it was some funny thing – she got Mamma’s bleach from the washing sack and squeezed it all in the machine, all over the things inside. She did everything proper fast like it was a mission. Her hands were going so fast she couldn’t even get the money in at first. You have to push the money slot in proper hard, if you do it too soft it just springs out again and you have to start from scratch. It took her about five goes to get it right. Then when the machine was going round she took the sack with the real washing still inside and split. She nearly crashed into me outside.
Lydia: ‘How! Why did you follow me? I told you to stay indoors.’
Me: ‘What was in the bag?’
Lydia: ‘Nothing!’
Me: ‘I saw it already.’
Lydia: ‘I don’t care. What is it then?’
Me: ‘Just some stupid things.’
Lydia: ‘Don’t bring yourself, you don’t even know. It’s only leftover bits from the costume. They were no good, we got paint on them.’
You always know when Lydia’s lying because her face goes angry (I always smile when I try to lie. I can’t help it. I just have to give up. It’s too risky and it makes me feel sick after). I saw the things in the bag and they didn’t belong to a costume, they were the wrong colour and the material wasn’t shiny. It was boy’s clothes. I could see the hood and the Ecko rhinoceros. There was red all over. It was too dark for paint and too light for Shito. My belly went all cold.
X-Fire was coming with Harvey. When Lydia saw him she went proper quiet. Harvey pulled at his lead and licked his lips like a hungry wolf. I got my finger ready behind my back for if I needed to stick it up his bumhole. You won’t be eating me today, mean dog! I’ve got a trick for you!
X-Fire: ‘Did anyone see you?’
Lydia: ‘No.’
X-Fire: ‘Best get going, Ghana. He’s hungry, innit.’
Harvey was pulling and sniffing all around like the air was made of meat. Me and Lydia just split before he got too crazy.
Me: ‘Mamma go sound you when she finds out you used all the bleach.’
Lydia: ‘I’ll just tell her it was you. I’m not the
Miquita kept showing me her dancing. I didn’t want to watch it. She kept shaking her behind in my face. Adjei, I just had to give up. I went to my room to put the CD player on (only a fiver from the watch doctor at the market). Ofori Amponsah makes the best music for burying Miquita’s stupid voice with.
Miquita: ‘Where you going Harri, you gonna make your lips nice and soft for me? You wanna borrow my Chapstick?’
Me: ‘No thanks, Pigface! I’d rather kiss my own behind!’
Asweh, Miquita looks stupid in her costume. It makes her boobs look too close up like they’re going to jump out and eat you. I even wish there was no such thing as boobs, then you wouldn’t want to squeeze them all the time.
I only had to come out again to greet the chief, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Miquita was going. She gave Lydia a Nisa bag. They were looking inside it like it was some kind of crazy treasure. When she saw me she tried to hide it but it was too late. Both the two of them made a face like I’d broken some special secret. Then Miquita just split. Lydia put the bag in the black sack with the washing. She poked her head outside and started looking around like for enemies.
Lydia: ‘Stay there, I won’t be long.’
Me: ‘Are you going to the launderette? I’m coming! I go beat you at the washing game again.’
Lydia: ‘Too late!’
Lydia shut the door in my face. I wasn’t going to take it lying down: I counted to ten, then I opened the door proper slow. I saw the lift doors closing. I ran down the stairs and watched Lydia get out at the ground floor. I followed her proper carefully all the way to the launderette. I hid around the corner where I could still see through the window.
Nobody else was in there. Lydia took just the things from the Nisa bag and put them in my favourite machine. Then it was some funny thing – she got Mamma’s bleach from the washing sack and squeezed it all in the machine, all over the things inside. She did everything proper fast like it was a mission. Her hands were going so fast she couldn’t even get the money in at first. You have to push the money slot in proper hard, if you do it too soft it just springs out again and you have to start from scratch. It took her about five goes to get it right. Then when the machine was going round she took the sack with the real washing still inside and split. She nearly crashed into me outside.
Lydia: ‘How! Why did you follow me? I told you to stay indoors.’
Me: ‘What was in the bag?’
Lydia: ‘Nothing!’
Me: ‘I saw it already.’
Lydia: ‘I don’t care. What is it then?’
Me: ‘Just some stupid things.’
Lydia: ‘Don’t bring yourself, you don’t even know. It’s only leftover bits from the costume. They were no good, we got paint on them.’
You always know when Lydia’s lying because her face goes angry (I always smile when I try to lie. I can’t help it. I just have to give up. It’s too risky and it makes me feel sick after). I saw the things in the bag and they didn’t belong to a costume, they were the wrong colour and the material wasn’t shiny. It was boy’s clothes. I could see the hood and the Ecko rhinoceros. There was red all over. It was too dark for paint and too light for Shito. My belly went all cold.
X-Fire was coming with Harvey. When Lydia saw him she went proper quiet. Harvey pulled at his lead and licked his lips like a hungry wolf. I got my finger ready behind my back for if I needed to stick it up his bumhole. You won’t be eating me today, mean dog! I’ve got a trick for you!
X-Fire: ‘Did anyone see you?’
Lydia: ‘No.’
X-Fire: ‘Best get going, Ghana. He’s hungry, innit.’
Harvey was pulling and sniffing all around like the air was made of meat. Me and Lydia just split before he got too crazy.
Me: ‘Mamma go sound you when she finds out you used all the bleach.’
Lydia: ‘I’ll just tell her it was you. I’m not the
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