studied it as if it were some remarkable
object from a strange civilization in the far reaches of outer
space.
"How come?"
"How come what?"
"You don't like beer, is that it?"
Cloudy turned his attention to the boy
again. "Don't you never start, Mr. Tadpole. What happened to me, I
used to drink all the time. Like beer? I loved it. Every chance I
got, I took a drink, 'cause when you're younger you think you can
do whatever you want and it won't bother you none. But the thing of
it is, I had a friend, name of Mr. Eustace Boggs." Ned laughed at
that. "You think that's funny?" Cloudy continued. "Well, everybody
called him Useless. That's the truth. Useless Boggs. Anyway, he was
in an accident one day, I don't remember exactly what it was, but
old Useless, he lost his legs or he couldn't walk no more,
somethin' like that, and then he really was useless. Stuck in the
house, in bed most of the time, and oh, he had a plague of a wife.
Marylou Boggs. Talk? That woman'd make the wallpaper curl up and
block its ears, the way she'd go on. It was Useless this and
Useless that, and poor old Useless couldn't do nothin' 'cept sit
there and listen. Well, I don't know why, but I kinda liked that
poor sucker. I guess I'd knowed him a long time. So I used to take
the newspaper up to him at his house every day and tell him what's
goin' on, jokes and gossip and stuff like that. Nobody else
bothered with him, so I was his only contact with the outside
world, you see. Now, we had a little system goin' between us and it
was a nice one. I'd wrap up a bottle of rye whiskey for him,
smuggle it in past Marylou, and Useless'd pay me for it. Sometimes
he give me a ten, sometimes a twenty, and I got to keep the change,
so we both done well out of the deal. He had a lotta money, see, on
account of the accident. He got a big payoff for losin' his legs,
so money was no problem.
"At first I didn't like the idea, you know.
I said to him, 'Useless, did your doctor tell you not to take no
drink?' He says, 'No, the doctor never say nothin' like that to me.
My wife did, but she's no doctor.' So you see, Marylou was the one
who didn't want him to have a drink, but what else has the poor man
got? He can't go nowhere, nor do nothin' without his legs, so I had
to help him out. I don't know what he did with it all, maybe he
watered the plants with it too, but he had to have a new bottle
every single day. Imagine that. Boy, we sure had some kinda system
goin' there for a while. Then it stopped."
"How come?"
"He died, for cryin' out loud. Fell right
outta his bed onto the floor. Useless Boggs, dead with a pint of
rye whiskey in his hand. Didn't spill a drop, neither, I heard. I
don't know, the doctor must've talked to somebody .... I never did
notice it myself but they say his liver was the size of a
basketball. And that's when I stopped drinkin' myself, right then
and there. "
"A basketball, gosh."
Cloudy began to laugh. "Yeah, it sure killed
him good, and I learned my lesson. That was the best payin' job I
ever had, and what I'd done was kill the goose that laid the golden
eggs, see. If I had it to do all over again I'd make Useless take
it a little slower like, so we'd both get a little more mileage
outta the situation. But you know one thing I never did find out
about him?"
"What?"
"How'd he get rid of all them empty bottles?
I give him a new one every day, but he never give me no empties to
smuggle out. I don't know how he did it. Maybe Marylou had
somethin' to do with it, maybe she wasn't really so bad after all
.... "
"How old was he?" Ned asked.
"Oh, just young, about forty or fifty, I
guess."
"Was this here in Lynnhaven?"
"Over in Old Woods, that's right."
"By the creek where Peeler and I caught craw
dads?"
"Over that way. All that way is the Old
Woods, Mr. Tadpole. That's where Useless lived, till he escaped
this world. They say he was swamp folks, you know, but that ain't
true."
"Swamp folks?"
"Yeah, they're the people who live deep in
the
object from a strange civilization in the far reaches of outer
space.
"How come?"
"How come what?"
"You don't like beer, is that it?"
Cloudy turned his attention to the boy
again. "Don't you never start, Mr. Tadpole. What happened to me, I
used to drink all the time. Like beer? I loved it. Every chance I
got, I took a drink, 'cause when you're younger you think you can
do whatever you want and it won't bother you none. But the thing of
it is, I had a friend, name of Mr. Eustace Boggs." Ned laughed at
that. "You think that's funny?" Cloudy continued. "Well, everybody
called him Useless. That's the truth. Useless Boggs. Anyway, he was
in an accident one day, I don't remember exactly what it was, but
old Useless, he lost his legs or he couldn't walk no more,
somethin' like that, and then he really was useless. Stuck in the
house, in bed most of the time, and oh, he had a plague of a wife.
Marylou Boggs. Talk? That woman'd make the wallpaper curl up and
block its ears, the way she'd go on. It was Useless this and
Useless that, and poor old Useless couldn't do nothin' 'cept sit
there and listen. Well, I don't know why, but I kinda liked that
poor sucker. I guess I'd knowed him a long time. So I used to take
the newspaper up to him at his house every day and tell him what's
goin' on, jokes and gossip and stuff like that. Nobody else
bothered with him, so I was his only contact with the outside
world, you see. Now, we had a little system goin' between us and it
was a nice one. I'd wrap up a bottle of rye whiskey for him,
smuggle it in past Marylou, and Useless'd pay me for it. Sometimes
he give me a ten, sometimes a twenty, and I got to keep the change,
so we both done well out of the deal. He had a lotta money, see, on
account of the accident. He got a big payoff for losin' his legs,
so money was no problem.
"At first I didn't like the idea, you know.
I said to him, 'Useless, did your doctor tell you not to take no
drink?' He says, 'No, the doctor never say nothin' like that to me.
My wife did, but she's no doctor.' So you see, Marylou was the one
who didn't want him to have a drink, but what else has the poor man
got? He can't go nowhere, nor do nothin' without his legs, so I had
to help him out. I don't know what he did with it all, maybe he
watered the plants with it too, but he had to have a new bottle
every single day. Imagine that. Boy, we sure had some kinda system
goin' there for a while. Then it stopped."
"How come?"
"He died, for cryin' out loud. Fell right
outta his bed onto the floor. Useless Boggs, dead with a pint of
rye whiskey in his hand. Didn't spill a drop, neither, I heard. I
don't know, the doctor must've talked to somebody .... I never did
notice it myself but they say his liver was the size of a
basketball. And that's when I stopped drinkin' myself, right then
and there. "
"A basketball, gosh."
Cloudy began to laugh. "Yeah, it sure killed
him good, and I learned my lesson. That was the best payin' job I
ever had, and what I'd done was kill the goose that laid the golden
eggs, see. If I had it to do all over again I'd make Useless take
it a little slower like, so we'd both get a little more mileage
outta the situation. But you know one thing I never did find out
about him?"
"What?"
"How'd he get rid of all them empty bottles?
I give him a new one every day, but he never give me no empties to
smuggle out. I don't know how he did it. Maybe Marylou had
somethin' to do with it, maybe she wasn't really so bad after all
.... "
"How old was he?" Ned asked.
"Oh, just young, about forty or fifty, I
guess."
"Was this here in Lynnhaven?"
"Over in Old Woods, that's right."
"By the creek where Peeler and I caught craw
dads?"
"Over that way. All that way is the Old
Woods, Mr. Tadpole. That's where Useless lived, till he escaped
this world. They say he was swamp folks, you know, but that ain't
true."
"Swamp folks?"
"Yeah, they're the people who live deep in
the
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