Read Online Pants on Fire by Maggie Alderson - Free Book Online Page A

sometimes. It trains you to be able to get things out of people without them realising. We did first girlfriends and important girlfriends, girlfriends fought over and girlfriends still pined over, and then I directed him to the subject of current girlfriends—as in girlfriends, current, did Billy have one? No. No, he didn’t have a girlfriend and neither did Rory. He was very firm about it. And then I masterfully changed the subject. Oh wow, look at those skateboarders . . . Shall we stop and watch?
    We sat on a park bench and watched them do their impossible leaps and flips until Scooby decided it was really boring and we walked back to the ute. By now I was feeling ready for my afternoon nap and as Rory drove me home I fell asleep, with Scooby draped across me, her head out of the window, ears blowing in the breeze.
    I woke up with a start when we stopped outside my building. With manners as impeccable as Billy’s, Rory jumped out and came round to open the passenger door. No man under the age of sixty had ever done this for me in London. I was about to kiss Scooby goodbye when I remembered something.
    â€œRory—Billy told me that Scooby is a champion jumper. Will you show me?”
    â€œSure,” he said, grinning. He put his head back into the ute and came back holding a dog biscuit. “Scoobs!” he said, holding it above his head. “Biscuit!”
    Scooby leapt straight up in the air. It was amazing how high she went. I clapped and Rory gave her the biscuit.
    â€œYou should be in the Olympics, you clever old high jumper,” I said to Scooby, giving her a big kiss. She gave my face a good licking in response. Rory was beaming as he walked me to the door. Then there was a slightly awkward moment.
    â€œWell, that was really fun,” I said shyly. “Thanks for driving me home and thanks for the dog-replacement therapy.”
    â€œIt was our pleasure. Wasn’t it, Scoobs? Well, I’ll be off then. It was great to meet you, Georgia. Hope to see you again next time I’m up in Sydney.”
    â€œYeah, that would be great. As long as you bring Scooby.”
    I kissed him on the cheek and he stayed still for one extra beat. There was something hanging in the air at that moment. I didn’t know what to do, so I just went inside.
    I was cream crackered. What a weird twenty-four hours. I put on my comfiest nightie and lay on the sofa with a packet of Kettle Chips (the grease craving had just kicked in) and pondered all the events since I’d arrived at Danny Green’s party the day before.
    Jasper O’Connor’s dickhead hat and jungle joints. Antony Maybury and his dancing eyebrows. Billy Ryan’s unannounced tongue kiss and unerect penis. About twenty-five new best friends whose names I couldn’t remember. The wicked plate. The heavenly dancing. The heavenly snogging. The unheavenly dog poo. The stupidity of the bed incident and subsequent embarrassment. The surprising morning phone call followed by the incredible disappearing date. Rory Stewart’s kind smile. Scooby dooby doo.
    What was Billy playing at? Talk about hot-cold hot-cold. One minute he was kissing me, then he was running away laughing, then he was nearly ravishing me in a public place, then he was running away, then we were having a cosy breakfast, then he was running away. If he wasn’t so gorgeous I probably would have dismissed him as a kookalooka, but he was the perfect package. The full Town Like Alice fantasy. My parents would adore him. Even my brother would like him. My grandfather would be beside himself. He’d hated Rick—too urban. Couldn’t comprehend a man who didn’t like fishing. Billy was bound to like fishing, and shooting too. Perhaps we could divide our time between Australia and Scotland. Wouldn’t that be the perfect life? I wondered when he would call me again.
    But as I fell asleep, my mouth full of half-chewed crisps—or chips, as I