Read Online Paddy Clarke Ha Ha Ha by Roddy Doyle - Free Book Online

I got down and looked. I climbed in under. I found a soldier. A German World War One one with a spiky helmet.
    I read William. I read all of them. There were thirty-four of them. I owned eight of them. The others were in the library. William The Pirate was the best. I say! gasped William. I’ve never seen such a clever dog. I say! he gasped, he’s splendid. Hi, Toby! Toby! Come here, old chap! Toby was nothing loth. He was a jolly, friendly little dog. He ran up to William and played with him and growled at him and pretended to bite him and rolled over and over.
    —Can I’ve a dog for my birthday?
    —No.
    —Christmas?
    —No.
    —Both together?
    —No.
    —Christmas and my birthday?
    —You want me to hit you, is that it?
    —No.
    I asked my ma. She said the same. But when I said two Christmases and birthdays she said,—I’ll see.
    That was good enough.
    William’s gang was the Outlaws; him, Ginger, Douglas and Henry. It was Ginger’s turn to push the pram and he seized it with a new vigour.
    —Vigour, I said.
    —Vigour!
    —Vigour vigour vigour!
    For a day we called ourselves the Vigour Tribe. We got one of Sinbad’s markers and did big Vs on our chests, for Vigour. It was cold. The marker tickled. Big black Vs. From our diddies to our tummy buttons.
    —Vigour!
    Kevin threw the cap of Sinbad’s marker down a shore, an old one on Barrytown Road with goo at the bottom. We went into Tootsie’s shop and showed her our chests.
    —One two three—
    —Vigour!
    She didn’t notice or say anything. We ran out of the shop. Kevin drew a big mickey on Kiernan’s pillar. We ran. We came back for Kevin to draw the drops coming out of the mickey. We ran again.
    —Vigour!
    The Kiernans were only Mister and Missis Kiernan.
    —Did their children die? I asked my ma.
    —No, she said. -No. They had no children.
    —Why didn’t they?
    —Oh, God knows, Patrick.
    —That’s stupid, I said.
    They weren’t old. They both went to work, in his car. She 58 drove it as well. We got into their back when they were at work. It was a corner house; it was easy. The wall was higher because of the corner so we could stay in there for ages and no one would see us. The biggest risk was climbing out and that was brilliant. It was great being second; first was too scary. Your ma could have been walking by with the pram. You weren’t allowed to look first; that was the rule. You had to climb straight and slide over the wall without looking to see if there was anyone there. We were never caught. Missis Kiernan’s knickers were on the line once. I took the pole away and the line dropped closer to us. We grabbed Aidan. We hadn’t said anything but we knew. We made him, we shoved his face into the knickers. He sounded like he was being sick.
    —Lucky they’re not dirty ones.
    I put the pole back. We took turns. We ran, jumped and headed the knickers. It was brilliant. We did it for ages. We didn’t take them down off the line.
    My ma saw the V when we were having our bath on Saturday after tea. Me and Sinbad were in together. She always gave us five minutes to splash. She saw the V. It was nearly faded. Sinbad had one as well.
    —What are they? she asked.
    —Vs, I said.
    —What are they doing there? she asked.
    —We just did them, I said.
    She made the face-cloth real soapy. She held my shoulder while she rubbed the V off. It hurt.
     
    I was in Mister Fitz’s shop getting a half block of ice-cream. It was Sunday. Ripple ice-cream. I was to tell Mister Fitz to put it on my ma’s list. That meant she’d pay him on Friday. He wrapped the ice-cream in the paper he wrapped Vienna rolls in. He folded it up. It was already wet.
    —There now, he said.
    —Thanks very much, I said.
    Missis Kiernan was at the door; she was coming in, her shape was in the door. My face went hot. She was going to see my face and catch me. She’d know.
    I got past her. She was going to stop me, going to grab my shoulder. There were people; they were talking