Read Online Out on the Cutting Edge by Lawrence Block - Free Book Online
Authors: Lawrence Block
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then and maybe that made it seem like a good idea.
And I figured nobody'd know. Secret ballot, right? Only I thought, yeah, there's supposed to be a secret ballot, but there's lots of shit that's supposed to be, and if they can take and vote us fifteen times all over town, maybe they can tell how we're voting. So I did what I was supposed to do."
"The straight ticket."
"You got it. Anyway, that was the first I ever voted. I coulda the year before, I was old enough, but I didn't, and then I voted fifteen times for Abe Beame, and I guess I got it out of my system, because I never done it since."
The light changed and we walked across Fifty-seventh. A blue-and-white patrol car headed north on Ninth with the siren screaming. We turned to follow it with our eyes until it was out of sight.
You could still hear it, though, whining faintly over the other traffic noises.
He said, "Somebody must of done something bad."
"Or it's just a couple of cops in a hurry."
"Yeah. Matt, what they were talking about at the meeting. The fifth step?"
"What about it?"
"I don't know. I think maybe I'm afraid of it."
The steps are designed to enable recovering alcoholics to change, to grow spiritually. The founders of AA discovered that people who were willing to grow along spiritual lines tended to stay sober, while those who fought change tended to go back to drinking sooner or later.
The fifth step calls for an admission to God, to oneself, and to another human being of the exact nature of one's wrongs.
I quoted the language of the step to Eddie and he frowned. He said,
"Yeah, but what does that boil down to? You sit down with somebody and tell him every bad thing you ever done?"
"More or less. Everything that bothers you, everything that weighs on your mind. The idea is that you might drink over it otherwise."
He thought about it. "I don't know if I could do that," he said.
"Well, there's no rush. You're not sober all that long, you don't have to be in a hurry."
"I guess."
"There's a lot of people will tell you that the steps are a load of crap, anyway. 'Don't drink and go to meetings and all the rest is conversation.' You've heard people say that."
"Oh, sure. 'If you don't drink you can't get drunk.' I remember the first time I heard somebody say that. I thought it was the most brilliant remark I ever heard in my life."
"You can't fault it for truth."
He started to say something, but stopped when a woman stepped out of a doorway into our path. She was a haggard, wild-eyed thing, all wrapped in a shawl, her hair stringy and matted. She was holding an infant in one arm, and she had a small child standing next to her, clutching her shawl. She extended one hand, palm up, wordless.
She looked as though she belonged inCalcutta , notNew York . I'd seen her before during the past few weeks, and each time I'd given her money. I gave her a dollar now, and she drew back wordlessly into the shadows.
He said, "You hate to see a woman on the street like that. And when she's got her kids with her, Jesus, that's a hell of a thing to see."
"I know."
"Matt, did you ever do it? Take the fifth step?"
"I did, yes."
"You didn't hold nothing back?"
"I tried not to. I said everything I could think of."
He thought about it. "Of course you were a cop," he said. "You couldn't of done anything that bad."
"Oh, come on," I said. "I did a lot of things I'm not proud of, and some of them were acts a person could go to jail for. I was on the force for a lot of years and I took money almost from the beginning. I never lived on what I drew as salary."
"Everybody does that."
"No," I said, "everybody doesn't. Some cops are clean and some are dirty, and I was dirty. I always told myself I felt all right about it, and I justified it with the argument that it was clean dirt. I didn't actually shake people down and I didn't overlook homicides, but I took money, and that's not what they hired me to do. I was illegal. It was crooked."
"I suppose."
"And I
And I figured nobody'd know. Secret ballot, right? Only I thought, yeah, there's supposed to be a secret ballot, but there's lots of shit that's supposed to be, and if they can take and vote us fifteen times all over town, maybe they can tell how we're voting. So I did what I was supposed to do."
"The straight ticket."
"You got it. Anyway, that was the first I ever voted. I coulda the year before, I was old enough, but I didn't, and then I voted fifteen times for Abe Beame, and I guess I got it out of my system, because I never done it since."
The light changed and we walked across Fifty-seventh. A blue-and-white patrol car headed north on Ninth with the siren screaming. We turned to follow it with our eyes until it was out of sight.
You could still hear it, though, whining faintly over the other traffic noises.
He said, "Somebody must of done something bad."
"Or it's just a couple of cops in a hurry."
"Yeah. Matt, what they were talking about at the meeting. The fifth step?"
"What about it?"
"I don't know. I think maybe I'm afraid of it."
The steps are designed to enable recovering alcoholics to change, to grow spiritually. The founders of AA discovered that people who were willing to grow along spiritual lines tended to stay sober, while those who fought change tended to go back to drinking sooner or later.
The fifth step calls for an admission to God, to oneself, and to another human being of the exact nature of one's wrongs.
I quoted the language of the step to Eddie and he frowned. He said,
"Yeah, but what does that boil down to? You sit down with somebody and tell him every bad thing you ever done?"
"More or less. Everything that bothers you, everything that weighs on your mind. The idea is that you might drink over it otherwise."
He thought about it. "I don't know if I could do that," he said.
"Well, there's no rush. You're not sober all that long, you don't have to be in a hurry."
"I guess."
"There's a lot of people will tell you that the steps are a load of crap, anyway. 'Don't drink and go to meetings and all the rest is conversation.' You've heard people say that."
"Oh, sure. 'If you don't drink you can't get drunk.' I remember the first time I heard somebody say that. I thought it was the most brilliant remark I ever heard in my life."
"You can't fault it for truth."
He started to say something, but stopped when a woman stepped out of a doorway into our path. She was a haggard, wild-eyed thing, all wrapped in a shawl, her hair stringy and matted. She was holding an infant in one arm, and she had a small child standing next to her, clutching her shawl. She extended one hand, palm up, wordless.
She looked as though she belonged inCalcutta , notNew York . I'd seen her before during the past few weeks, and each time I'd given her money. I gave her a dollar now, and she drew back wordlessly into the shadows.
He said, "You hate to see a woman on the street like that. And when she's got her kids with her, Jesus, that's a hell of a thing to see."
"I know."
"Matt, did you ever do it? Take the fifth step?"
"I did, yes."
"You didn't hold nothing back?"
"I tried not to. I said everything I could think of."
He thought about it. "Of course you were a cop," he said. "You couldn't of done anything that bad."
"Oh, come on," I said. "I did a lot of things I'm not proud of, and some of them were acts a person could go to jail for. I was on the force for a lot of years and I took money almost from the beginning. I never lived on what I drew as salary."
"Everybody does that."
"No," I said, "everybody doesn't. Some cops are clean and some are dirty, and I was dirty. I always told myself I felt all right about it, and I justified it with the argument that it was clean dirt. I didn't actually shake people down and I didn't overlook homicides, but I took money, and that's not what they hired me to do. I was illegal. It was crooked."
"I suppose."
"And I
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