Read Online Out of Mind by Jen McLaughlin - Free Book Online Page B

kept insisting I stop pushing her away, but maybe I should be pushing her away even harder. Maybe I should break it off with her. Set her free. Wouldn’t that be better than this? I eyed my pill bottle. It hadn’t been long enough for me to take another one yet, but the urge was there. I tried to ignore it.
    The door opened, and I lurched to my feet unsteadily. She slid inside the door, shut it, and then stood somewhere close to it. I couldn’t see her because it was too dark. “Finn? Are you in here?”
    For a second, and only a second, I debated not answering. She would go away, and I could drink myself into oblivion, and top it off with another pain pill or two. But then I remembered I loved her, and she loved me, even if I was an ass. “I’m here.”
    I heard her come closer. “Can I turn on the light?”
    “I prefer the dark. It soothes me.”
    “Okay.” Her weight dipped down on the bed beside me. “How’s your dad?”
    “He’s dying.” My voice cracked on the last word. I couldn’t fucking help it. I needed him here. God didn’t need him. I did. “It’s not fair.”
    Her arms wrapped around me from behind, entwining in front of my heart, and I clung to her joined hands with my good hand. It felt good. Right. Human. “I’m so sorry. But he’s still here. He could live another twenty years and surprise us all.”
    “Yeah. Maybe. He is stubborn like that.” I laughed. It felt foreign in my throat. “Must be where I got it from.”
    She was silent for a second, almost as if she couldn’t believe I made a half-assed joke, and then she laughed. It washed over me, soothing my soul. “Yeah. Must be.”
    “That was the wrong answer,” I teased. My fingers twitched on hers. “You were supposed to say I’m not stubborn at all.”
    “I would, but we promised not to lie to each other.” She kissed my shoulder. “So the truth it is, love.”
    Love . She hadn’t called me that since Germany.
    I closed my eyes, pretending I hadn’t just found out my dad was sick. On top of that, I pretended I wasn’t fucked up. Pretended we were in California, not D.C. Then I opened my eyes and woke the fuck up. “I appreciate that about you. You always tell me the truth.”
    She shifted behind me. “I try to, anyway.”
    “Do you still love me, Carrie?” I tightened my hand on hers when she tried to pull away. “And before you answer that, let me be clear. I’m not talking about the man I was before I left. I’m talking about the man I am now. Me . Do you love me ?”
    “Of course I do.” She wiggled free. I let her this time. “This will pass, Finn. I know you’re upset because it’s been a battle every second of every day, but it’ll get better.”
    “It might not.” I stared out the window. “I might be like the moon now. It will come and go in phases, but I don’t think the pain, the sheer helplessness and anger I feel at the world right now, will ever fully go away.”
    “Why are you angry?” she asked, her voice whisper light.
    “Because He took everyone else, but He let me live.” I shook my head and forced a laugh. “No matter how many times I look at it, and no matter how many different ways, that will never make sense to me.”
    Her hand found mine and held on tight. “Do you wish you’d died?”
    “I don’t think you want honesty on that question,” I said, my throat tight. “Not tonight, anyway. Ask me another time.”
    She made a weird sound, but stayed silent on the issue. “I’m glad you lived. It might make me selfish and horrible, but I’m glad.”
    “You don’t think it would be easier on everyone if I’d just died?” I asked, my voice oddly distant in my own head. “I think He made a mistake. I think I was supposed to die, too. That’s why I feel the way I do. That’s why I can’t let myself be happy. I’m supposed to be dead, like them. Hell, I feel like I’m dying already.”
    She cried out. “Don’t say that. It’s not true.”
    “I have to be