justice.' 'Oh justice! I've never expected much in the way of justice. And hate has made me so boring. I bore myself. I know I bore you, dear Gabriel but you're the only one I can talk to and sometimes, like tonight, I feel I have to talk or I might go mad. And you're so wise, that's your reputation anyway.' He said drily: 'It's easy to get a reputation for wisdom. It's only necessary to live long, speak little and do less.' 'But when you do speak you're worth listening to. Gabriel tell me what I must do.' to get rid of him?' Fo get rid of this pain.'
42
ere are the usual expedients; drink, drugs, suicide. The first two lead to the third, it's just a slower, more expensive, more humiliating route. I don't advise it. Or you could murder him, but I don't advise that either. Do it in fantasy as ingeniously as you like, but not in
reality. Not unless you want to rot for ten years in prison.'
She said: 'Could you stand that?'
'Not for ten years. I might manage three but not more. There are better ways of coping with pain than death, his death or yours. Tell yourself that pain is part of life, to feel pain is to be alive. I envy you. If I could feel such pain I might still be a poet. Value yourself. You're no less a human being because one selfish, arrogant, insensitive mfin doesn't find you lovable. Do you really need to value yourself by the standard of any man, let alone Gerard Etienne? Remind yourself that the only power he has over you is the power that you give him. Take that power away and you take away the hurt. Remember, Frances, you don't have to stay with the firm. And don't say that there has always been a Peverell at the Peverell Press.'
q'here has since 792, even before we moved into Innocent House. Daddy wouldn't have wanted me to be the last.'
'Someone has to be, someone will be. You owed your father a certain duty in life but it ceased with his death. We can't be in thrall to the dead.'
As soon as the words were out of his mouth he regretted them, half expecting her to ask What about you? Aren't you in thrall to the dead, your wife, your lost children?' He went on quickly: %Vhat would you like to do if you had a free choice?'
'Work with children, I think. Perhaps train as a primary school teacher. I've got my degree. I suppose it would only mean another year's training. And then I think I'd like to work in the country or in a small country town.'
rhen do it. You do have a free choice. But don't go searching for happiness. Find the right job, the right place, the right life. The happiness will come if you're lucky. Most of us get our share of it. Some of us get more than our share even if it's concentrated into a little space of time.'
She said: I'm surprised you don't quote Blake, that poem about "joy and pain being woven fine, a clothing for the soul divine". How does it go?
43
Man was made for Joy and Woe; And when this we rightly know, Thro' the World we safely
Only you don't believe in the soul divine, do you?' 'No, that would be the ultimate self-deception.' 'But you do go safely through the world. And you understand about hate. I think I've always known that you hated Gerard.' He said: 'No, you're wrong, Frances. I don't hate him. I feel nothing for him, nothing at all. And that makes me far more dangerous to him than you can ever be. Hadn't we better start a game?' He took out the heavy chessboard from the corner cupboard and she moved the table between the armchairs then helped him to set out the pieces. Holding out his clenched fist for her to choose black or white he said: 'I think you ought to give me a pawn, the tribute of youth to age.' 'Nonsense, you beat me last time. We play even.' She surprised herself. Once she would have given way. It was a small act of self-assertion and she saw him smile as with his stiffened fingers he began to set out the pieces.
44
6
Miss Blackett went home every night to Weaver's Cottage in West Marling in Kent where, for the past nineteen years, she had
42
ere are the usual expedients; drink, drugs, suicide. The first two lead to the third, it's just a slower, more expensive, more humiliating route. I don't advise it. Or you could murder him, but I don't advise that either. Do it in fantasy as ingeniously as you like, but not in
reality. Not unless you want to rot for ten years in prison.'
She said: 'Could you stand that?'
'Not for ten years. I might manage three but not more. There are better ways of coping with pain than death, his death or yours. Tell yourself that pain is part of life, to feel pain is to be alive. I envy you. If I could feel such pain I might still be a poet. Value yourself. You're no less a human being because one selfish, arrogant, insensitive mfin doesn't find you lovable. Do you really need to value yourself by the standard of any man, let alone Gerard Etienne? Remind yourself that the only power he has over you is the power that you give him. Take that power away and you take away the hurt. Remember, Frances, you don't have to stay with the firm. And don't say that there has always been a Peverell at the Peverell Press.'
q'here has since 792, even before we moved into Innocent House. Daddy wouldn't have wanted me to be the last.'
'Someone has to be, someone will be. You owed your father a certain duty in life but it ceased with his death. We can't be in thrall to the dead.'
As soon as the words were out of his mouth he regretted them, half expecting her to ask What about you? Aren't you in thrall to the dead, your wife, your lost children?' He went on quickly: %Vhat would you like to do if you had a free choice?'
'Work with children, I think. Perhaps train as a primary school teacher. I've got my degree. I suppose it would only mean another year's training. And then I think I'd like to work in the country or in a small country town.'
rhen do it. You do have a free choice. But don't go searching for happiness. Find the right job, the right place, the right life. The happiness will come if you're lucky. Most of us get our share of it. Some of us get more than our share even if it's concentrated into a little space of time.'
She said: I'm surprised you don't quote Blake, that poem about "joy and pain being woven fine, a clothing for the soul divine". How does it go?
43
Man was made for Joy and Woe; And when this we rightly know, Thro' the World we safely
Only you don't believe in the soul divine, do you?' 'No, that would be the ultimate self-deception.' 'But you do go safely through the world. And you understand about hate. I think I've always known that you hated Gerard.' He said: 'No, you're wrong, Frances. I don't hate him. I feel nothing for him, nothing at all. And that makes me far more dangerous to him than you can ever be. Hadn't we better start a game?' He took out the heavy chessboard from the corner cupboard and she moved the table between the armchairs then helped him to set out the pieces. Holding out his clenched fist for her to choose black or white he said: 'I think you ought to give me a pawn, the tribute of youth to age.' 'Nonsense, you beat me last time. We play even.' She surprised herself. Once she would have given way. It was a small act of self-assertion and she saw him smile as with his stiffened fingers he began to set out the pieces.
44
6
Miss Blackett went home every night to Weaver's Cottage in West Marling in Kent where, for the past nineteen years, she had
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