Read Online Only Ever Yours by Louise O'Neill - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Louise O'Neill
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hair out of its ponytail and nudging liz to do the same so that they’re identical again.
“Not in the dorms—there isn’t enough room for all of us to fit into one cubicle.” megan bites her lip in concentration. “I know! We’ll do it in the garden.”
“What about Isolation?” I ask.
“chastity-bernadette is on tonight.”
chastity-bernadette is rarely on night duty, because as soon as the lamps are turned off she starts dozing. You can hear her snores rumbling through the dorms within an hour of bedtime.
“It’s settled, right?” megan says as I silently plead with one of the others to object. “freida, you send out the invite on MyFace. Send it to all of final year.”
“Me?”
“I’m sorry, do you have an issue with that, freida ?”
She emphasizes my name, drawing out the syllables, making it sound like a curse. I want to say no, I want to say no so badly, but she’s looking at me and they’re all looking at me now, a mixture of disdain and pity in their eyes. They don’t think I have the courage to do it; they think I’m the most boring person in our class. They’re probably wondering how isabel managed to put up with me as long as she did.
megan rolls her eyes to heaven, jessie and liz immediately copying her. cara is doing her best not to get involved, scanning through fotogram. freja discreetly spits out her chewed-up veggies, placing the napkin next to her plate, the sticky mess seeping onto the table. My chest swells with fear and I can hear my voice saying, Yeah, yeah, of course I’ll send it , and I know that I’m really saying, Please like me, please like me , and I hate myself so much but they’re all smiling again, and I feel relieved and stupid all at the same time. It’ll be fine. I will just write the message in code. If I don’t use the words “party,” “gathering” or “unsupervised,” the eFilter shouldn’t pick up on it. liz and jessie get to their feet squealing, running to wrap their tanned limbs around me, giving me one of their infamous twin sandwiches for the first time. Warmth spreads through my limbs as I realize everyone is watching us. They’re jealous of me, like they used to be.
“Quiet down, girls,” chastity-theresa calls without enthusiasm, and the twins skip back to their seats.
“So invite everyone, yeah?” megan continues in a low voice. “Except isabel, obviously.”
“Obviously!” The twins giggle uproariously.
“But if we get caught it might be useful to have her there,” cara points out. “The chastities love her. She never gets in trouble.”
“No.” A thick vein pulses in megan’s forehead. “I don’t want her there.”
“Yeah. We don’t want her there,” liz and jessie repeat.
“Is that going to be a problem?” megan asks me, raising one eyebrow.
“No.” I feel an awful excitement at being the favorite for once, the thrill of being preferred to isabel squirming in my belly. “Of course not.”
I am a good girl. I am appealing to others. I am always happy and easygoing .
Every nerve in my body is fizzing as I listen to the Messages drone on. chastity-bernadette has been snoring since 10:45, but I warned everyone to wait until midnight. Or the “witching hour,” as I hinted in my stupid message. Some of the girls weren’t interested, but once I told them it was megan’s idea any doubts disappeared.
11:58 p.m.
I steal out of bed as quietly as I can, wrapping my lilac bathrobe around me. I peek my head out of my cubicle and see other girls doing the same, a row of floating heads. megan is at the main door to the dorms, signaling for the rest of us to follow. We scurry like mice after her through the cloisters until we fall into the garden, laughing breathlessly. She leads us around the plastic trees to a patch of lime-green grass enclosed by a ring of the poppy flowers. We gather in a circle just inside the poppy-flower border, twenty-nine girls in sheer kimonos, like geishas from Old
“Not in the dorms—there isn’t enough room for all of us to fit into one cubicle.” megan bites her lip in concentration. “I know! We’ll do it in the garden.”
“What about Isolation?” I ask.
“chastity-bernadette is on tonight.”
chastity-bernadette is rarely on night duty, because as soon as the lamps are turned off she starts dozing. You can hear her snores rumbling through the dorms within an hour of bedtime.
“It’s settled, right?” megan says as I silently plead with one of the others to object. “freida, you send out the invite on MyFace. Send it to all of final year.”
“Me?”
“I’m sorry, do you have an issue with that, freida ?”
She emphasizes my name, drawing out the syllables, making it sound like a curse. I want to say no, I want to say no so badly, but she’s looking at me and they’re all looking at me now, a mixture of disdain and pity in their eyes. They don’t think I have the courage to do it; they think I’m the most boring person in our class. They’re probably wondering how isabel managed to put up with me as long as she did.
megan rolls her eyes to heaven, jessie and liz immediately copying her. cara is doing her best not to get involved, scanning through fotogram. freja discreetly spits out her chewed-up veggies, placing the napkin next to her plate, the sticky mess seeping onto the table. My chest swells with fear and I can hear my voice saying, Yeah, yeah, of course I’ll send it , and I know that I’m really saying, Please like me, please like me , and I hate myself so much but they’re all smiling again, and I feel relieved and stupid all at the same time. It’ll be fine. I will just write the message in code. If I don’t use the words “party,” “gathering” or “unsupervised,” the eFilter shouldn’t pick up on it. liz and jessie get to their feet squealing, running to wrap their tanned limbs around me, giving me one of their infamous twin sandwiches for the first time. Warmth spreads through my limbs as I realize everyone is watching us. They’re jealous of me, like they used to be.
“Quiet down, girls,” chastity-theresa calls without enthusiasm, and the twins skip back to their seats.
“So invite everyone, yeah?” megan continues in a low voice. “Except isabel, obviously.”
“Obviously!” The twins giggle uproariously.
“But if we get caught it might be useful to have her there,” cara points out. “The chastities love her. She never gets in trouble.”
“No.” A thick vein pulses in megan’s forehead. “I don’t want her there.”
“Yeah. We don’t want her there,” liz and jessie repeat.
“Is that going to be a problem?” megan asks me, raising one eyebrow.
“No.” I feel an awful excitement at being the favorite for once, the thrill of being preferred to isabel squirming in my belly. “Of course not.”
I am a good girl. I am appealing to others. I am always happy and easygoing .
Every nerve in my body is fizzing as I listen to the Messages drone on. chastity-bernadette has been snoring since 10:45, but I warned everyone to wait until midnight. Or the “witching hour,” as I hinted in my stupid message. Some of the girls weren’t interested, but once I told them it was megan’s idea any doubts disappeared.
11:58 p.m.
I steal out of bed as quietly as I can, wrapping my lilac bathrobe around me. I peek my head out of my cubicle and see other girls doing the same, a row of floating heads. megan is at the main door to the dorms, signaling for the rest of us to follow. We scurry like mice after her through the cloisters until we fall into the garden, laughing breathlessly. She leads us around the plastic trees to a patch of lime-green grass enclosed by a ring of the poppy flowers. We gather in a circle just inside the poppy-flower border, twenty-nine girls in sheer kimonos, like geishas from Old
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